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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be jealous

87 replies

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 11:30

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Gwendimarco · 30/09/2023 08:55

I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel the way you do. I would probably feel the same way in your shoes.
How long, realistically, will it be until your debts are paid and the scrimping and saving ease off? If this is only a short-term situation, that will ease in a few years, focus on the future.

If this lifestyle looks to be for the forseeable, maybe consider if there are changes you can make so that you can spend more time with the children.

coldcallerbaiter · 29/09/2023 21:19

Is there still a right to buy a council home? People are saying the OP has invested in a home which is true, but if the friend gets a discount on buying, she could get a mortgage for the rest, with the partner's income. I think what is unfairer is a private renting couple who work, it is them that end up with nothing in terms of home assets. I never agreed with the right to buy for so many reasons.

beachcitygirl · 22/05/2023 18:38

This is a hard thread to read. @TokyoStories you're worth 100 of the OP and her ilk.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/05/2023 13:18

**The only way someone can get a larger amount of benefits

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/05/2023 13:17

Swrigh1234 · 22/05/2023 07:50

Unfortunately this is why people’s attitudes have become hardened towards welfare. Because it’s not a safety net, it used by many as a lifestyle choice. Why would people be happy to see that they contribute to a system to be worse off than and feel a greater financial pinch than those they facilitate to sit at home and do nothing.

If people’s attitudes have hardened because of obviously inaccurate details then they should have a word with themselves.

You don’t get to have a large amount in saving and a working partner as well as getting “quite a lot” of benefits just for choosing not to work. That just doesn’t happen.

The only way someone can get an amount of benefits and have money in the bank and a working partner is if there’s a disability involved somewhere.

If there’s not that then the Op’s story of shiny new house, lots of benefits, lots of redundancy money and a working partner has something missing in it, because it doesn’t happen.

Swrigh1234 · 22/05/2023 07:50

Unfortunately this is why people’s attitudes have become hardened towards welfare. Because it’s not a safety net, it used by many as a lifestyle choice. Why would people be happy to see that they contribute to a system to be worse off than and feel a greater financial pinch than those they facilitate to sit at home and do nothing.

Luckyduc · 22/05/2023 07:08

There's always going to be someone richer than you and someone poorer than you, but to choose a friendship where you are the wealthiest seems sad imo...maybe try try focus on your own life and stop comparing your situation to others.

AgnesX · 21/05/2023 17:56

Stay away that should read.

AgnesX · 21/05/2023 17:56

There are always times where the grass seems greener. Things aren't always as they seem so rather than be envious and sour whatever friendship you have srat away for a while. Do that and focus on your own life. Distance will put things in perspective.

pikkumyy77 · 21/05/2023 17:40

The OP has a major asset! Her friend does not. Why is it so hard for people to grasp that they are short of cash now because they are able to invest in their house which will create wealth for them in the future? Someone who can’t afford the lump sum and mortgage to do so is at a permanent disadvantage—as are their children! Historically getting on the property ladder has meant a difference in wealth outcomes for generations.

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:38

Also forgot to add that my jealous friend ended up in a very bitter divorce. They sold the house and hardly made any money after costs. She had a lovely holiday and bought a car but now lives in a council flat and works in a job she dislikes. She has no formal qualifications as she owned a business with her ex.
Im sure she’ll get back on her feet, as she is savvy and determined. I hope she does! However it just illustrates that being smug about doing it the ‘right way’ and having a brighter future isn’t always the way it turns out

foxlover47 · 21/05/2023 17:35

@TokyoStories you sound like a far nicer person :)

LadyRos · 21/05/2023 17:34

Jealously ruined a friendship for me, my “friend” being jealous of me.
jealously is a wasted emotion.

foxlover47 · 21/05/2023 17:34

Oh how the people in their 40/s who wasted their life with their kids doing arts and crafts and home diy must be resentful and bitter of you home owners !!!
Absolute crap !!!
This is a thread to benefit bash and stealth brag about one's children off to uni and home owning ...
Here's a thought ... my kids went to uni , single parent non home owner .. brillaint relationship with them , not bitter of any of my friends who own their homes because I want my "friends to be happy "

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:28

Also the comment about the council moving her into a smaller house ‘at their will’ is completely inaccurate.
If your friend has a secure tenancy, the council will not move her out. The only way this would happen is if they needed the house back for major works or if they needed to sell the land. In which case, the tenant is offered ‘like for like’ properties to choose from.
it’s one thing being bitter, but spreading false information is quite another!

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:24

Hard one this. She’s your friend so you shouldn’t be jealous. She is very lucky though. Some of the comments about how her life will look are very bitter and presumptuous tbh. She won’t necessarily live in benefits forever and have a shit retirement.
I got a council place due to a set of extraordinarily shit circumstances. However, my home is a beautiful little cottage by the sea. I do work now but worked part time when they were little due to being at uni. My friend used to get really jealous that she worked and bought a house in a not so great area, because she felt my life and home were better than hers. She’d make comments similar to on here about the future and being a good example to her kids because she was so envious.
Anyway fast forward 15 years- my kids are older and one is at uni. I’m back working in a professional job and although I struggle with the COL crisis, I know that I can progress. I’m still super happy in my little house and my ‘nest egg’ for the kids will be from inheritance that I will pass on to them.
My advice to you,OP is to feather your own nest and know that it will all be worth it one day, take your energy away from other peoples situations and do the best you can, for you

Outofthepark · 21/05/2023 16:56

@TokyoStories I think you sound awesome. Just saying.

Outofthepark · 21/05/2023 16:53

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 11:30

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

Tbh sounds like her redundancy won't last long at the rate she's burning through it, and it probably wasn't a big payout any way given she's in her mind 20s. So before you both hit 30 she's probably gonna have to go back to the workforce with less money than you have and with a joke in her CV. In life you have to play the long game OP, appreciate the ebbs and flows.

Sunshine275 · 21/05/2023 16:37

Chances are she’s up to her eyeballs going and dreads the bills coming through.

TokyoStories · 21/05/2023 13:02

What horrible attitudes on this thread.

It’s almost as if some people are positively gleeful at the thought of people on benefits and/or in council properties still struggling years from now while they sit smugly on their ‘hard-earned’ assets, enjoying an early inheritance from their parents so they can benefit from free care in their old age (oh the irony).

I’m on disability benefits. To look at me you would never guess. I am not the unpleasant, stereotypical image of one that is peddled by the media, and the likes of some on this thread. I’m intelligent, clean, well-spoken and articulate. I’m kind and generous to others. I don’t talk about my past unless I’m asked about it. I don’t do drugs. I rarely drink.

I also have a ‘friend’ like the OP, pissed off that she apparently has nothing handed to her, unlike me.

Actually, she’s had a whole lot handed to her. She’s been handed a great deal of cards. She has a very supportive family who help her with a range of practical support, and an early inheritance on the way from the sale of the house. She can live with her mum rent free if she chooses, and has done previously. She will never have to worry about being homeless or without support. All of these things have set her up for success and security, and not one of them was ‘hard-earned’.

I, on the other hand, grew up being abused. My dad died when I was young. My mother was absent and neglectful. Extended family didn’t want anything to do with me. I ended up in care. There was and is no support, there will never be any family money. I have been technically homeless. I have a chronic illness and have had to attend every hospital appointment alone. If I have a general anaesthetic I have to ask a friend to pick me up and lie to the doctors that there will be someone with me during my recovery, because I can’t put that on my friends. If I’m ill I can’t call my mum and ask her to help. I have always had to do everything myself. And it’s hard. I have fought so hard and I’m still fighting, to get my degree and to build up to working full time because I don’t want to be on benefits forever. I volunteer twice a week to try to contribute to society as much as I can.

I hope the spiteful, disgruntled posters enjoyed reading that, I hope they got some smug satisfaction from the idea that in a few years’ time they’ll be flying and I’ll no doubt still be struggling, despite trying my best. But none of it matters because I’m just a feckless benefit claimant who gets handouts from the government whose life is worth nothing.

Always remember there is an actual person, and a story, behind every ‘benefit claimant’. And never forget what was handed to you.

Curtains70 · 21/05/2023 12:03

Oh have a day off 🙄

NordicNora · 21/05/2023 12:01

It’s tough being jealous. It’s harder when you are working with kids and everything feels like a struggle. It will get better.

You will have a pension and better choices in the future. Don’t underestimate that.

I don’t envy anyone or want to be like anyone who is healthy and who has chosen to live on benefits or off their partner’s income. They are both the same thing to me. You have your own source of income. Good for you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/05/2023 12:00

They also pay council tax and a mortgage which you get no help with if you become unemployed.

Thats factually incorrect.

If you’re unemployed you can claim the same help toward your council tax as someone on benefits - it’s the same income based calculations. Council tax reductions aren’t based on home ownership (or non-ownership)

And whilst not as generous/helpful as previously because it’s now a loan, help toward mortgage interest payments still exists in the form of SMI.

Anoushkaka · 21/05/2023 11:51

I would rather my own home and supportive partner any day of the week over a council house and a dickhead partner.

Know a few people claiming benefits years and when myself and DH were struggling trying to work, pay mortgage and look after young kids I was quite jealous too. A few years on though and all our work has paid of. We have a beautiful home that's ours, savings, pensions etc. The ones on benefits are still living week to week with the risk of being homeless because the rents are increasing and there's a shortage of housing for council tenants. So nah, they can keep their benefit money.

ADHDmam · 21/05/2023 11:47

and to add to my comment above - ‘the house always wins’, originally said about gambling establishments, but very much applies to government and local governments…

also, this post is massively benefit bashing and it’s frankly fucking gross.

I’ve been renting since I was 18, a single teenage mother. I’ve bettered myself in lots of ways but all you home owners stating any renter MUST be jealous. Fuck. Right. Off. So full of yourselves, it’s absolutely unreal!

Op, do your ‘friend‘ and fuck off out of her life. Who needs enemies with people like you?

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