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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child never picked..

111 replies

Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 15:43

My child's communion is in a couple of weeks & loads of children have been given roles in the mass... My dc had her reconciliation in Feb, the teacher said whoever doesn't get a role will have something in the communion mass.. My dc has been given nothing in this either & is so disappointed. Especially as the teacher said that those who didn't get a part in the reconciliation would have a part in the communion mass.. I feel so disappointed on my childs behalf, please talk sense into me. I don't want to be that parent!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:29

I'm not entirely sure how many left without.. Dc said some of the kids picked are complaining as they don't want a role.. I did mention in the email that some kids have jobs in both & that wasn't supposed to happen.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 18/05/2023 09:25

But she's right, there aren't 60 jobs over the course of the 2 events? She needs to change the 4 students who had a role in both events as that is grossly unfair and definitely needs an explanation! How many other students have been left without a role in it?

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:21

I'm already on the rota 😩@fiftiesmum ... Wonder will she reply to my sharp email! I would like an explanation as to how the roles were allocated & the pta kids & kids from prominent families all have roles. Some getting roles in both reconciliation & communion🤔

OP posts:
fiftiesmum · 18/05/2023 09:18

Don't forget that there will be lots of jobs they will want parents to do around communion time - cleaning, tidying up afterwards, bringing stuff for communion breakfast. You can conveniently forget to volunteer to do these. Funnily enough you are likely to get asked - time to find some excuse or other.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:16

Doesn't look like I have got anywhere.. The reply was very cordial but unfortunately not enough roles for everyone.. I replied roles were created yesterday & dc wasn't chosen.. My reply was much longer & very curt so we'll see what she replies.
Also said she would speak to dc to say there's not enough for everyone to go round & not to be disappointed. This sounds very patronising.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 09:11

Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:48

@NeedToChangeName I know it is however I do suffer from anxiety & I'm really not good in these types of situations hence why I find mumsnet invaluable at times like this. DH was staunchly against emailing so we weren't branded as "troublemakers" so I'm glad mumsnetters convinced me otherwise & to parent up!

You’ve been awake all night fretting and your H is petrified of standing up for his kid in case he’s disliked by a teacher.

I’m glad you’re seeing the light, OP.

Being an amenable and therefore overlooked child is soul destroying. Having meek parents too afraid to stand up for you sets them up to repeat the cycle.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/05/2023 09:07

I think you've done the right thing, and now it is up to them. I don't feel it would take much effort for them to invent a small role (I believe I was once responsible for ringing that little bell thing).

If nothing else her teacher is aware that your daughter is conscious of being overlooked, and if she is any good at her job she will make her feel more visible for the remainder of the term.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 08:58

She emailed back saying unfortunately there's not jobs for everyone. I sent back a more formal email to say that she was the only one out of 60 to do the singing afterschool & also that some children have a part in both..

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 18/05/2023 08:36

So there's 60 kids, but not 60 jobs between reconciliation and communion? So 4 have gotten jobs for both but even if those 4 are replaced with people who didn't get jobs at reconciliation is there still a chance your DC won't get one?

You were not unreasonable at all to email and highlight concerns about people getting jobs for both when they were specifically told that wouldn't happen. YABU to not sleep over it. I too suffer from anxiety, you need to learn coping mechanisms for that. 💕

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:48

@NeedToChangeName I know it is however I do suffer from anxiety & I'm really not good in these types of situations hence why I find mumsnet invaluable at times like this. DH was staunchly against emailing so we weren't branded as "troublemakers" so I'm glad mumsnetters convinced me otherwise & to parent up!

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 18/05/2023 07:46

Lying awake all night is an overreaction. Take care not to project your own concerns about this on to your child

FWIW, I was v involved in PTA and received no privileges or special treatment

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:43

GuiltyGeraldine · 18/05/2023 07:37

Sure you would.

In our house, my kids understand not everything goes their way and that can be upsetting but that’s life and I will fight their corner where necessary.

I would never stop anything that’s slightly upsetting because I’m not about raising a total wet wipe of a human.

Show quote history

Sure, if it's something they are interested in, have to do or really benefit from.... Taking part in organised religion doesn't fall within any of those categories to me.

Are you catholic btw?

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:42

@Shudacudawuda thank you, that's it.. I was awake all night, I socially anxious & really hate confrontation so my brain went into overthink mode.. I do think I'd have really regretted it if I didn't send the email.
Dc mentioned being moved from the seat again this morning as she didn't have a job even though the seats were assigned alphabetically... The seat is for the child's family, pta child with job put there & dc moved back..

OP posts:
Shudacudawuda · 18/05/2023 07:37

I'm with you OP, if they said that the children who got a role in the first event wouldn't get a role in the second, they should stick to that.
I'm glad you're advocating for your DC, who else will?

GuiltyGeraldine · 18/05/2023 07:37

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:30

How about stop making your child engage in organised religion which is upsetting them. I would say that to anyone moaning about the practices of their organised religion, espeically where such practices are negatively influencing or impacting their kids.

Show quote history

Sure you would.

In our house, my kids understand not everything goes their way and that can be upsetting but that’s life and I will fight their corner where necessary.

I would never stop anything that’s slightly upsetting because I’m not about raising a total wet wipe of a human.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:34

It's not the church in this case it's the teachers. Same scenarios happen in school plays, sports teams, music concerts. Should parents pull children out of these too?

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:30

GuiltyGeraldine · 17/05/2023 21:51

Would you say the same to a Jewish or Muslim poster?

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How about stop making your child engage in organised religion which is upsetting them. I would say that to anyone moaning about the practices of their organised religion, espeically where such practices are negatively influencing or impacting their kids.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:18

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Well done you. Sounds exactly like the scenario with my dc.. Always volunteers but jobs always go to the same kids. Dc said they were given their seat allocations in the church yesterday, was very happy with her seat initially as it was near the front but was made swap with another child because dc doesn't have a job. The seats were originally allocated alphabetically but dc had to move down the back...

OP posts:
SodapopCurtis · 18/05/2023 06:29

As a teacher and leader of communion classes. Please say. I'm sure I've found my list of those who have had a turn, but I have said to parents. Please if they don't get words this time, turn round and let me know.

Back the email up with a little note. X has not been given a part in the communion mistakenly as he did not have a role in the reconciliation. He is very willing to read/sing... thank you

GoodChat · 18/05/2023 06:21

Maybe your kid just isn't that great a singer. There's no point repeatedly bumping your thread.

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 06:09

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Why would you even want your child at a school with such an inept head?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 05:59

TheOriginalEmu · 18/05/2023 05:29

I think the laughing thing was a response to the way that potential email was worded, rather than sending an email at all.

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It was, thank you for clarifying

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 05:31

@TheOriginalEmu yes it was an email that was suggested.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 18/05/2023 05:29

BritInAus · 18/05/2023 01:24

Since when was one quick, short, polite question to the teacher (either in person or email or messaging app) something that would make a parent the 'laughing stock of the staffroom'? This is just bizarre.

"Hi teacher. Hope you're having a good week. Just wanted to confirm - does XXXX have a particular role in XXX event? He seems to think everyone has a role but I'm unsure. Thanks!"

I think the laughing thing was a response to the way that potential email was worded, rather than sending an email at all.

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