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Original poster

To have just exploded today

162 replies

Cantstandbullies · 16/05/2023 23:39

I’ve name changed because it’s outing but tbh I have nothing to be ashamed over.

I’ve posted in the past about this bully in my sons class (y6) about him saying sexual things to my son & to other kids, the school had to ring social services over him.

I have always tried to remain dignified at the school even though I really wanted to say something to his mum, who has never once apologised for her sons vile behaviour. Even though the school have had to ring SS over him & keep him away from my son.

my little one has Cystic Fibrosis & had a feeding tube fitted recently, I got a call today from the school saying he’d fell on school tires & hit his tube. Let’s just say when I got there it looked like he’d been in a road accident how bad it was. The blood everywhere. Had to take him home & see the stoma nurse. Thankfully it’s ok now.

I get a text off my sons friend. They go to the same school, saying “her son wanted to tell her that the bully pushed my son on the tire & made him fall on his tube but he knows my son is to scared to tell me” I asked him after physically getting on my hands & knees & begging him because I just knew he was hiding it. My son went grey. I’ve never seen anyone go that colour. He finally caved.

He’s been picking on my son AGAIN when the teachers haven’t been looking, the past year has been horrific. Now it all makes sense. The weight loss, the picking at his lips to the point every part of his lips have no skin just scabs, the pulling his nail beds to pieces, I asked him months ago, was the bully in question bullying you again, please tell me you’re in no trouble. I’ve always made it clear he will never ever be in trouble he just needs to talk to me. But he’s put on such a bravado that he truly convinced us he was just down over his CF, so he’s been seeing the CF Psychologist.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore & I approached the bully’s mum (with the intentions to tell her to actually have words with her son) Soon as I approached her in the most non confrontational way she jumped on the offensive, I just exploded. Told her to keep her horrible nasty bullying son away from mine. I’ve had enough. I absolutely went off on one. I’m not proud of it but I’ve watched my son go from the most loveliest, kindest boy to a shell of himself.

He was pretending he was down because of his Cystic Fibrosis. I feel like I’ve failed him as a mum. I can’t stop crying, the school have done nothing at all. I don’t feel bad for the things I said to his mum though, her son is exactly the way he is because she can’t see no wrong in her son & that was so obvious today.

I know I’m not BU, (maybe some might say I am for even approaching her) I’d expect her to react the same had my son been the bully & I would wipe the floor with my son.

So now I’m in limbo, I just don’t know whether to home school him now but then I think why should the bully be let off the hook.

Im just distraught seeing my little sons face crumble. The colour he went was pure fear, it is scorched in my brain. I’ve had talks with him from when he was old enough to understand about how important it is to stand up for yourself but also that it’s ok if you are scared just tell me or your dad so we can fix it.

So sorry for going on. I’m just gutted. Sorry. I don’t even know what I’m looking for on here. I’m just so so heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstandbullies · 17/05/2023 15:32

Hi everyone. Unfortunately the school are not interested.

The headteacher who is the safeguarding also said, we have established it was an accident, my son & his friend are both saying it wasn’t. Basically calling my son a liar.

She said we can guarantee he isn’t getting bullied as we are monitoring them closely, I said if that was the case then how did he “accidentally push” my son? Basically went around in circles.

I gave them a chance so now I’m reporting it to 101 & my son isn’t going back to the school. I said, you have all failed my son. I knew you would find a way to defend the bully & yet again you’ve lost a brilliant pupil in favour for a horrid little bully.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I’m not even going to waste my time meeting the governors because it’s all a clique with them. I’m simply reporting it to the police & I’ve contacted my local paper. I was this plastered everywhere.

My son has been like a cat on a hot tin roof today with worrying, so I’ve spent all day with him & just talked over everything again & said you don’t ever have to go back & he seems a lot better.

Thanks for the supportive messages. They have meant a lot x

OP posts:
cadink · 17/05/2023 15:23

Please escalate this to the head, it is a safeguarding issue - escalate it to the board of goveners too and to the local council if necessary and even the department for education and ofsted. Your son has a disability which is a protected characteristic and they are failing to safe guard him. Do not be ashamed but be sure to escalate escalate escalate - the school is failing in its duties and this needs to go higher

bornintheuk2 · 17/05/2023 11:48

I was once in a situation where there was insidious bullying of a lovely but timid child . The bully was the Head Teacher's daughter!! After I told her I was aware of her behaviour she told her dad's partner, also a teacher in the school, who casually announced in the staff room that 'somebody had accused x of bullying....how absurd was that. No action taken!

Frogsdinner · 17/05/2023 11:40

Thars horrible, if they are yr6 will they be at the same secondary in September?

Nordicrain · 17/05/2023 11:36

I can understand why you reacted the way you did, and I think many people would feel the same, but - kidnly - I thin YAB a bit U. Mainly because it won't help anyhting at all.

This needs to be addressed with the school urgently. If they don't take it seriously escalate. I would be using terms like "duty of care".

I am sorry for your poor little boy. Don't blame yourself, we can't protect them from everything.

VolAuVentsForTheComeback · 17/05/2023 11:32

The school are letting down the OP's vulnerable son, and, when you think about it, they are letting down the 11 year old boy with ASD who assaulted him.

My son (on the spectrum) was a victim of a bigger boy (also on the spectrum). The school minimised it, said there was nothing they could do. I actually moved my son to a different school after assault #2, which was a good move. My son is now a happy young adult, working, in a loving relationship, busy with life. The other boy, who didn't get the support he needed but was allowed to carry on hitting and damaging - well, he's in and out of prison for assaults, wasting his life and messing up his own little kids'.

Preventing children with ASD from committing assaults, and teaching them about the serious consequences, IS part of safeguarding. It's safeguarding their futures, their lives' potential, their capacity for contentment. There may well be a reason why there's a disproportionately high number of adults in the prison estate with ASD - it's linked to their being shockingly badly let down by a school system that has learned to shrug rather than intervene (due to underfunding: see MN threads, passim ).

Sorry for the polemic.

Good luck, OP Flowers

Heartsnrainbows · 17/05/2023 11:11

I had the same at school. After 4 years of being assaulted daily, having at least monthly trips to A&E and my parents doing everything right, my mum sent my older brother to meet me from school, he saw it happen and snapped.

Absolutely went apeshit and beat the crap out if both boys and told them to go tell their useless parents and he'd knock them out too.

Neither boy touched me again and in fact never even spoke to me for fear that I would tell my brother. Funny really as my brother is such a kind and loving person but was just pushed to the absolute limit by the school repeatedly refusing to deal with the bullies.

Steppered · 17/05/2023 10:57

OP, I wanted to cry after reading your post. That is heartbreaking for your wee boy. I can't say I would have done any differently, I think she deserved to hear some home truths. You have had some great advice on here and I would be getting police involved too. You sound like a wonderful Mum, I hope that today goes well and your son goes from strength to strength. God love you both x

Scarlettpixie · 17/05/2023 08:36

I am so sorry this has happened OP. My son was assaulted in year 7 in the local park after school. I reported it to school and to the police and both were brilliant. I rang 101 and reported it and an officer phoned me back. They contacted the school who helped ID the culprits and then some time after I was asked what outcome I wanted. I said I would just be happy if they got a bollocking from a police office but in they end they were made to write apology letters to my son and attend a day with offenders where they talk about how horrible it is in prison. He never had anymore trouble from them. Hopefully they were young enough that the whole experience made them think twice about bullying anyone else.

When wondering if calling the police is the right thing, think what you would do if the same happened to an adult. If someone punched me in the face at the park I would call the police so why not for my child?

Good luck today.

cleanasawhistle · 17/05/2023 08:35

Your poor son and you having to go through all this.
Well done for standing up for your child.
I really hope things can be resolved and the school do there bit.
Sending hugs to you both xx

I too had to do the same thing after approaching a parent for a civilised chat...silly cow thought she could get away with saying if my son is being accused of doing something he hasnt done then he may as well do it.

silverfullmoon · 17/05/2023 08:19

Cantstandbullies · 17/05/2023 08:16

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t replied, I had to turn my phone off to try to sleep. I’ve woken up with a calmer head but still angry over what happened.

I am going in to school this morning to see the headteacher (she’s the safeguarding teacher too) I’m requesting a meeting with the governors. I know the bully will be protected because he has ASD. They try to play his actions down because of this but it’s not on anymore.

My son has CF & also ASD but there’s no excuse to bully people. I’ve contacted local paper & if I’m not satisfied after this meeting I’m taking it all the way. If the bully isn’t dealt with properly.

Thanks again everyone x

Well done OP! I fully support you in this

Original poster
Cantstandbullies · 17/05/2023 08:16

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t replied, I had to turn my phone off to try to sleep. I’ve woken up with a calmer head but still angry over what happened.

I am going in to school this morning to see the headteacher (she’s the safeguarding teacher too) I’m requesting a meeting with the governors. I know the bully will be protected because he has ASD. They try to play his actions down because of this but it’s not on anymore.

My son has CF & also ASD but there’s no excuse to bully people. I’ve contacted local paper & if I’m not satisfied after this meeting I’m taking it all the way. If the bully isn’t dealt with properly.

Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 17/05/2023 08:02

Your poor son. That’s awful. I’d have exploded too.

id tell the school you’re getting your local Mp and news papers involved if they can’t protect your son.

maranella · 17/05/2023 07:59

Cantstandbullies · 17/05/2023 02:57

Do I just go into the police station? I’ve checked online but nothings really showing about how I report it? Thanks for replying x

Show quote history

Yes OP. You either call the police or you walk into the police station and you say 'I need to report an assault'. Your poor DS. I'm so glad you now know about this and are going to deal with it. Schools are often absolutely bloody useless with this stuff unless the parent of the DC being assaulted kicks up an almighty fuss. It's good you have evidence and a witness. I really hope you get justice for your DS Flowers

Seriously79 · 17/05/2023 07:57

OP, my heart breaks for your son, and you x

Like others have said, get everything in order, speak to the head, governors, Ofsted and the police.

You sound like a great mum, let us know how you get on x

Digitallis · 17/05/2023 07:55

Ionacat · 17/05/2023 07:15

I’m really sorry about your son, it sounds horrific.

This is what you need to do in terms of dealing with the school: (I’m a safeguarding governor.)

Find the complaints policy, safeguarding policy and bullying policy (sometimes it is separate from safeguarding, sometimes it’s within in it.)
Highlight the parts where they are not keeping your son safe and where they are not following the policy.
Ask what they are going to do to keep your son safe.
Ask about playground supervision.
Ask about what the school are doing to stop the bullying.
Don’t ask what is happening to the bully, they won’t be able to tell you, focus on your son and his safety and well being.
Take someone with you if you want, or take notes. Make a note of any actions the school said they were going to make with agreed deadlines.
Send your minutes back to the head e.g. saying from this meeting we agreed the following with the following deadlines. It is important to have a paper trail.

You can also combine it with a formal complaint, your complaints policy will have the procedure to follow. You can’t jump steps, you can’t go directly to the governors. As a governor, whilst we might sympathise, they should just direct you to the complaints policy, some don’t, but if there was any action to be taken against the head, it would fail because procedures haven’t been followed, so it is really important to stick to the policies. Again, the key thing here is to highlight where policies aren’t being followed, failure to keep your son safe and any noticeable gaps in the policy as well.

Please ignore all the posters saying go straight to the governors and Ofsted. You won’t get anywhere. Ofsted expect you to have exhausted the complaints procedure first and they’re not a school complaints body. Governors, well if you do end up taking it further then you’re going to need governors with no prior knowledge to sit on governor panels, we‘re not going to be able to do anything unless it is presented via the proper channels. There is some extremely poor advice on Mumsnet regarding complaining to schools.

I hope your meeting goes well.

^^This

I am also a school governor (not safeguarding). You will likely not even have contact details for the governors and we can’t assess anything as an escalation until the formal processes have played out, as outlined on the school website.

finallyme2018 · 17/05/2023 07:50

Id remove him from school an home educated. My son has serious medical needs as well as autism’s and had similar experiences in primary school three children pinned him to the floor so another could punch him in the face. Secondary the main bully attacked him an seriously hurt him. We had to go hospital and he to go through another medical procedure. Same as you I was watching my son go down hill and I just couldn’t do it anymore, I removed him from school an he now has such a wide circle of friends at last from home ed groups. He is happy an smiling and able to cope when situations occur. The education system is broken and they are either unable or unwilling to deal with bullying now adays. Before having to quit my job I worked in the education system. It is completely broken. School will promise so much that they will fix it and the bully will be dealt with. In the 3 schools my son attended each one failed to safe guard and be able to support his medical and learning needs.

maddening · 17/05/2023 07:40

Call the police about the physical assault at school and call the school and tell them you want this escalated immediately as a failure by them to safeguard your ds and the bully is to be physically kept.away -not in same room or playground - so if he has to be excluded from classes so be it.

CoffeeLover90 · 17/05/2023 07:40

I was once the skinny little kid that got bullied through primary. It was reported to the school but parents were never confronted. I wish they had been, so good for you. I would report to police too, simply because you've tried everything else and this assault could have caused serious damage. A lesson needs to be learnt.
The bullying stopped when I got to secondary school. Basically I hit back, shocked them all and they moved on to another victim.
Keep supporting him, that's all he needs right now. Don't let this affect the rest of his life.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 17/05/2023 07:38

OP your ds should absolutely have an EHCP, and a FULL risk assessment should have been done when he returned to school with a feeding tube.

Today I would go to school and ask for an appt with the head and designated safeguarding lead. I would request that a risk assessment be done immediately (if it hasn't already, ask why, massive safeguarding risk) and with updates after yesterday's incident.

Then you need to document everything with them, give your ds friends mum's name and ask them how they are going to protect your ds from the escalating violence from the other boy. I would also contact the police and notify school that you have done so.

Then I would tell them that he will be returning to school ONLY when they can guarantee his safety from a known threat (the other boy)

Good luck.

EatYourVegetables · 17/05/2023 07:35

Make it clear this is a formal complaint and you will escalate to governors, LA and OFSTED if they don't start acting now.

This. In fact, I would consider escalating as a default. The Head needs to act.

Meeting · 17/05/2023 07:32

Cantstandbullies · 17/05/2023 02:57

Do I just go into the police station? I’ve checked online but nothings really showing about how I report it? Thanks for replying x

Show quote history

Yes, and you're not reporting bullying. You're reporting an assault.

To be honest what you did was tame. I without a doubt would have been physical. I'd have wanted her to feel the way my son felt.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 17/05/2023 07:31

I am truly sorry this has happened to your son, he sounds lovely and I am furious on your behalf that this kind of bullying behaviour still goes on unchecked. WTF are some schools thinking.

There have been some great suggestions here and I hope you feel the support of every mum whose child has had to go through this shit and fight for the basic rights of their child. Can you imagine if this happened in a workplace with grown adults? No. Because not a fraction of what your vulnerable young son has experienced would be acceptable for an able bodied grown up.

How far you take this is up to you. One thing I would do is write a pre-emotive statement detailing the times, severity etc of the attacks and the responses from the school and then tell them the responses you will not accept, no deflecting, minimising or lessons will be learned. If you can anticipate their responses and get in there first they will be left without a script and may founder themselves. If you can, record the meeting or at least take comprehensive notes of what they say. Tell them that a transcript of this meeting will be sent to the Governors and to OFSTED and unless a solid plan is in effect immediately that this will also be reported to the police and local media. Use the words safeguarding, duty of care, and explain the physical and mental consequences of their lack of action on your son. If this boy bullies others also then ask why his rights trumps theirs as well as your son.

I am so fucking angry on your behalf.

Dragonsandcats · 17/05/2023 07:26

Seems like you’ve had some really good advice, I really hope the school step up and deal with the bullying and your son can have a nice summer. Will they be going to different secondary schools?

savethatkitty · 17/05/2023 07:24

How awful. I'd press charges. This is totally unacceptable, someone needs to be accountable.