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Original poster

Lads holiday

109 replies

Kristenb6 · 15/05/2023 23:16

What is everyone’s opinions on “Lads holidays” in their 40s? My husband has told me he would like to go on holiday with friends next year for his upcoming big birthday, our children have never been on holiday nor have we together or as a family in over a decade for various reasons. We currently live in a house that is too small and our children are crammed into rooms where 2 there are in one room and 3 in the other. Our youngest also has special needs so holidays have not been a priority lately. My husband works hard as do I, we both have well paid jobs and share everything and divide our incomes equally. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that the money would be better spent on a bigger house for our family or we could go on holiday together? I just couldn’t imagine leaving him and the kids to go on a girls holiday with my friends given our situation!

OP posts:
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SleepingStandingUp · 17/05/2023 14:49

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 00:27

I am one of those normally cool wives too, but this has honestly thrown me. A midlife crisis maybe? I would love to know more opinions. We have never been on holiday list children, a lot of our outgoings are spent on his own hobbies and interests. He is of the opinion that we can offer more to the kids (by way of disposable income) if we stay in a smaller house and has suggested even that we sleep in the lounge so that it frees more space up for the children and our eldest can have a room to themselves. He is not always home he works away a lot so generally I am with the kids when I am not working 24/7. I realise he might just want a holiday and some downtime with his friends as life is stressful and full on at home I get it but I do think it’s incredibly selfish of him to even suggest it when we are living this way in the first place

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Honestly I think you need a really BIG chat on a night when he's home and the kids are asleep.

Most of your disposable income goes in HIS hobbies, but living in an over crowded house is supposed to be so there's more money for the kids.

He wants to move into the living room in a house he's only living part time in due to work meaning that you are the one who ends up with no private space and you're the one doing most of the physical stuff of turning it into a bedroom every night and a living room every morning.

He gets plenty of time away from the kids with work and hobbies. You get none. No free time and no allocation of disposable income.

He refuses to holiday with you and the kids but wants to go off on holidays alone.

As an aside, I have a kid with complex needs and I know families with way more complex kids. They all manage holidays. Ask on a new thread here for ideas with details about your lads needs. There are ways and means and Family Fund.

Original poster
Kristenb6 · 17/05/2023 14:42

I’m not sure how this thread has taken a political turn … whatever our voting preference or social class is it’s good to get opinions from all backgrounds. As someone previously asked why keep having children if we can’t fit into our house, we didn't intend in our 5 year plan previous to cover that we would end up in this house, however, here we are. Can’t return the children can we? And we had our children because we wanted to have a big family and can afford to. Obviously it is a drain on finances so holidays have fell by the wayside… The problem is I have ALL the say on our lives. From finances to the running of the household and everything in between. DH works away frequently so I do the main bulk of the work at home and care for the kids as well as my own career. This is why I was asking if I was being unreasonable for not wanting my DH to go on holiday with friends but as we are both saving and putting money into the pot, we are both working hard I wanted to know what others would do if in my situation. Ultimately we are working towards a bigger house and saving and I’m sure it’s possible that we will get a family holiday together one day. For me I can see the bigger picture and long term goal, he on the other hand cannot but at the same time I don’t want to stop him from doing what he wants 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/05/2023 09:15

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 00:27

I am one of those normally cool wives too, but this has honestly thrown me. A midlife crisis maybe? I would love to know more opinions. We have never been on holiday list children, a lot of our outgoings are spent on his own hobbies and interests. He is of the opinion that we can offer more to the kids (by way of disposable income) if we stay in a smaller house and has suggested even that we sleep in the lounge so that it frees more space up for the children and our eldest can have a room to themselves. He is not always home he works away a lot so generally I am with the kids when I am not working 24/7. I realise he might just want a holiday and some downtime with his friends as life is stressful and full on at home I get it but I do think it’s incredibly selfish of him to even suggest it when we are living this way in the first place

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You have a major DH problem

Do you have a written budget? You need one and you need to spell out where the money needs to go

It also sounds like you don't have much of a say in your lives

Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:59

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Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:55

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DollyTrolly · 17/05/2023 08:49

It's really it fair to continue to derail this thread so I'll respond to these points and then leave it.....

Because I’m fascinated how someone working in academia at a senior level voted to leave the EU. It blows my tiny brain.

Because he researched it extensively and made a decision that felt right to him.

if nothing else - it impacts his industry so much

It's one of many, many things that impacts the higher education sector and you need to remember that many academics also work alongside industry and that will impact their views on politics.

and surely he had many international colleagues?

He still does..... that's not changed. I also work at a university and still have lots of international colleagues and increasing numbers of international students.

In my experience It hasn't meant we stopped working with colleagues from the EU, it's just changed the process in some cases. Plus, the vast majority of my international colleagues are not from EU countries anyway.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 17/05/2023 08:29

CountZacular · 15/05/2023 23:21

Holiday with friends? Fine. Holiday with friends when his own children have never been on one and are stuck in cramped conditions? Incredibly selfish of him.

This.

Sunshine275 · 17/05/2023 08:29

I would see no issue with this in general, however to say you’ve not had a family holiday. This should take priority, why would be chose a holiday with the lads over a family holiday you’ve never had would annoy me.

Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:23

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DrManhattan · 17/05/2023 08:22

WTF has Brexit got to do with this? (apart from the fact he will now have to queue to get through passport control)

SecretVictoria · 17/05/2023 08:21

Itsanotherhreatday · 17/05/2023 07:42

Living in cramped conditions? Yet you continued to have children knowing your own circumstances and now is the time to save?

Wow - I have no issue with DH going on holiday and why not? You should do the same especially if ‘you need it more’

If he’s clueless about finances then why not show him? Give him a monthly update and put him in charge?

I agree with this. Generally I’d be fine with it, your living circumstances mean I might think differently. BUT if I lived in a small 3 bed, I wouldn’t have had 5 kids and then be trying to save.

Soapyspuds · 17/05/2023 08:18

Having read the updates I think he needs to sacrifice his hobbies for a while to balance the books. Sorry I did not initially read 5 children.

Soapyspuds · 17/05/2023 08:17

If you both have well paid jobs then there is no reason he cannot have a moderate or low cost holiday and you all have a family holiday too

You need to look at your outgoings if you cannot afford both.

I would not begrudge my OH a trip away with their friends childcare permitting.

Catspyjamas17 · 17/05/2023 08:16

DH and I both go away with friends for a weekend/long weekend but probably not longer due to cost. But we only have two kids who are older now - completely difference circumstances.

Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:13

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Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:12

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DollyTrolly · 17/05/2023 08:11

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Why?
What's it got to do with you? Why is it so mind boggling that someone would have a different opinion to you?

Not all leave voters fit your stereotype.

DollyTrolly · 17/05/2023 08:09

Your posts are making me laugh. My husband is none of the things you mention and definitely didn’t vote leave. He has been away with friends in his forties and fifties but didn’t call it a ‘lads holiday’. Is that ok? I am trying to work out which is the crucial bit!

Madness isn't it?

Maybe if we refer to it as a weekend away with friends it would be viewed differently....although in my dh's case it's a trip to watch a sporting event and will involve lots of drinking so really is a 'lads' holiday.

Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:07

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Lucyislooking · 17/05/2023 08:06

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DollyTrolly · 17/05/2023 08:05

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Depended which colleagues he was speaking to..... unfortunately lots of them are as narrow minded as you appear to be.

It's no different to me keeping my gender critical views relatively quiet amongst my academic colleagues.
Unfortunately higher education isn't the place for the free exchange of ideas it once was.

However, none of your assumptions and ill informed stereotypes help the OP do they?

DrManhattan · 17/05/2023 08:04

Not good op. Feel like he's checked out of family life and happy to let you do all the heavy lifting. His family should be coming first.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 17/05/2023 08:00

I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for a father to prioritise a lads holiday over one with his family.
That said it's obvious some only posted to boast that they can afford both family holidays and separate holidays with their friends, absolutely fine but that's not the case here.

Spookysnake · 17/05/2023 07:51

The whole "lads' holiday" concept is incredibly primitive anyway; generally it's just an excuse for boozing and cheating.

TheaBrandt · 17/05/2023 07:51

I don’t really understand your life plan here. Five kids in cramped conditions isn’t optimal is it?