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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep her this weekend?

33 replies

moominmummie · 11/05/2023 20:19

DD has gone to her dad 3 weekends in a row, it's a 1.5 hour round trip for me as he doesn't drive. He told me last week he was going to be away working this weekend and for the next few weekends.

I planned to go swimming, McDonald's etc with DD. Tonight he reveals he hasn't gone away to work and started making plans with her about tomorrow night over FaceTime. I said I thought she was with me this weekend, he said he's not going until Monday, but he said the exact same thing last weekend and that it was important she stayed as he wouldn't see her.

She even said to him she wants to spend the weekend with me, completely off her own accord. He thinks I've swayed her decision (obviously) and is pissed off with me. He's livid I'm taking her swimming & says I get to see her all the time.

It's not like I'm stopping him from seeing her, I always drop her off and pick her up on a Sunday. Am I being unreasonable to stick to my guns and have her with me this weekend?

OP posts:
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Nobsandnockers · 13/05/2023 15:45

He doesn’t have to control you. Stop letting him.-
no more face times

toothbrusher · 13/05/2023 15:30

Absolutely taking the piss. I can't drive but still take DD halfway and pick her up on public transport

viques · 13/05/2023 15:25

To pinch a quote there are three of you in this relationship. Your daughter has already said she wants a weekend with you, and her needs and desires should also be accepted and considered. Sometimes kids just need to chill out with their stuff, see their friends, or not, go swimming, or not, lie on their beds or ride their bike in the park,or not, in other words be given choice and autonomy in what they do , and not be driven for hours to be somewhere they don’t want to be that day.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/05/2023 15:17

Stop answering his facetimes. Tell him communication by text only in future. You don't need to dance around him. Court order could be beneficial x

NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:27

moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:21

@NameChange900 I would be more than happy to talk privately if you would like to know a bit more. I just don't feel comfortable writing the specifics on here

I use the app so don't think I can see messages on here. It sounds to me like you need to go to court and ask for a formal arrangement. This shouldn't be too difficult. I also suspect you could use a call with women's aid to unpick what happened when you were together as I get the impression you are tiptoeing around him. This isn't normal but is completely understandable if you have had negative or abusive experiences with him.

www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/ this is worth looking at beforehand. I am quite sure you will recognise a lot of his behaviours. I can tell from your posts.

You're doing a great job OP. You're not doing anything 'wrong' by bowing to his demands, you are simply trying to protect yourself from harrasment and consequences. You will need support in building your assertiveness and ensuring you are safe in doing so.

Shoxfordian · 11/05/2023 21:26

You’ve been more than accommodating to do all the driving op; stop doing that. If he wants to see her then he can get a bus or a train or a cab. Get a formal arrangement in place as well - only communicate about your dd

Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:23

Really appreciate the comments & support everyone xx

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 11/05/2023 21:23

At the very least reduce contact to every other weekend and he has to travel halfway to meet her. He can use public transport.

Hurryupandleave · 11/05/2023 21:22

I could literally die and he would still expect me to text back

He can expect all he likes but you don't have to carry the weight of that expectation, you can simply choose to stop caring. I know that sounds trite and I'm not suggesting it will solve all your problems but it's another step towards being properly free of him.

wistfullyfocused · 11/05/2023 21:21

I would go to court and make contact court prescribed. End of.

Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:21

@NameChange900 I would be more than happy to talk privately if you would like to know a bit more. I just don't feel comfortable writing the specifics on here

OP posts:
Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:18

@NameChange900 yes yes and yes. Things I cannot write about on here. But things have happened in the past when I have put my foot down. I guess you could say I 'handle with care' when it comes to him.

OP posts:
NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:18

moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:16

He is very controlling, & I have struggled so much in setting strong boundaries as he doesn't respect them.
He's been messaging a lot recently saying how he is really depressed and low. I ignore them, then get another saying 'thanks lol'.

I could literally die and he would still expect me to text back.

Another red flag. Abusive characters do this as they know you're kind and think you will worry and they'll be on your mind (even if that's not the case). Do you mind unpicking with us what your relationship was like? Why did you separate? If you could list all the things he did that would upset/scare/confuse/worry you, what would they be?

Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:17

@CoronationKicking his licence was taken off him..

OP posts:
Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:16

He is very controlling, & I have struggled so much in setting strong boundaries as he doesn't respect them.
He's been messaging a lot recently saying how he is really depressed and low. I ignore them, then get another saying 'thanks lol'.

I could literally die and he would still expect me to text back.

OP posts:
CoronationKicking · 11/05/2023 21:15

What do you mean he did all the driving when the tables were turned? So he does drive?

granhands1 · 11/05/2023 21:15

He FaceTimes you when your DD is with him? He is keeping tabs on you and trying to stop you enjoying your freedom

NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:14

OP this may sound awfully dramatic, but was he controlling when you were together? The way you talk about him wanting you in his life, blossoming without him, the constant phonecalls and wanting you to reciprocate, the expectation that you will do all the travel etc etc makes me worry about you and what he would do/how he would act if you put your foot down.

Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:13

*sorry I meant 4-5 times when DD is with him.

OP posts:
NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:12

moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:09

I agree with everyone, he really is calling the shots. Last week when DD was getting a bit much and I could tell as he kept video calling me, he pretended he had work on the Monday and asked me to pick her up a day early.
Occasions have happened before when he said you'll need to pick her up tomorrow now as my plans have changed.

He thinks I should be doing all the driving without question because when the tables were turned he did all the driving, difference was back then we only lived 10 minutes away, not 45. He'd also only pick her up on weekends that suited him, or pick her up, drop her at his mums then go out on the piss.

He also FaceTimes me 4-5 per DAY & asks why I don't do the same in return as he would like to have more contact. It's terribly intrusive into our lives as we are busy a lot of the time.

This all boils down to the fact he wants me in his life but I've suffered so much because of him that I'm not the person I was when we met. I've blossomed and thrived without him and he is losing his grip on me, he doesn't know how to handle it so will control me in ways he can - our DD.

He facetimes you up to 5 times a day? Hell no OP. He sees the kids on his weekends. It would be reasonable for him to talk to them in the evening if you are happy with this (I spoke to my dad every night before bed, and my mum when I was with my dad, it was nice), but not 5 times a day. Even worse if he's wanting to talk to you when the kids aren't around.

This is classic control.

Hurryupandleave · 11/05/2023 21:10

With kindness OP, stop letting him get in your head and convince you you're wrong when you're so obviously not. He's had DD the last 3 weekends, he said he would be working and so you (very reasonably) made plans based on that information and then he disregarded the fact that you may have made plans and started speaking to DD about seeing her after all without even consulting you first! On what planet would this possibly be ok?!

Stick to your guns and don't let him keep dragging you back into arguments about it, DD is with you this weekend, you have plans and that's that. It sounds like he's good at making you doubt yourself and buy into his narrative of his time with DD being more important than yours, that needs to stop so I'd be having a think about strengthening your boundaries around him.

Is contact court ordered currently or just arranged between you? Would it help to formalise it if it's not court ordered? Is there too much contact between you and him? Would it help to limit communication to a designated email or only read/respond to messages at set times? All questions to think about and see whether there's ways to shut down his attempts to guilt trip or manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Have a lovely weekend with your DD Flowers

Original poster
moominmummie · 11/05/2023 21:09

I agree with everyone, he really is calling the shots. Last week when DD was getting a bit much and I could tell as he kept video calling me, he pretended he had work on the Monday and asked me to pick her up a day early.
Occasions have happened before when he said you'll need to pick her up tomorrow now as my plans have changed.

He thinks I should be doing all the driving without question because when the tables were turned he did all the driving, difference was back then we only lived 10 minutes away, not 45. He'd also only pick her up on weekends that suited him, or pick her up, drop her at his mums then go out on the piss.

He also FaceTimes me 4-5 per DAY & asks why I don't do the same in return as he would like to have more contact. It's terribly intrusive into our lives as we are busy a lot of the time.

This all boils down to the fact he wants me in his life but I've suffered so much because of him that I'm not the person I was when we met. I've blossomed and thrived without him and he is losing his grip on me, he doesn't know how to handle it so will control me in ways he can - our DD.

OP posts:
Fiddeldedah · 11/05/2023 21:07

YANBU. Keep her this weekend. She was looking forward to it, you were looking forward to it. He is in the wrong to expect you to change your plans just because his have changed.

You need to agree a formal contact schedule and rules. If his work means you need flexibility you can factor that in but only as long as it doesn’t mean you have to dance to his tune.

He sounds bitter, many are, limit your contact with him as much as possible for your own sanity. It helps!

NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:05

NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:04

You need a set schedule. If he can't make it, he misses that weekend. This isn't for your sake, or for his, but for your child's. I went to my dad's every other weekend, very occasionally my parents swapped weekends when they had plans or were away, but 99% of the time we stuck to the routine. This gave me and my 2 siblings a sense of stability and we always knew whether we were coming or going. It also allowed my parents to make plans on their weekends off and to plan ahead. Playing it by ear is never a good idea and it sounds like that's what you are both doing.

Is he doing the travelling?
Has he tried to agree flexible working?

*is he doing ANY travelling?

He needs to learn how to drive, unless there's a good reason he can't. If not, he can take them on the train or the bus. He will never step up if you do everything. Does he contribute to your fuel costs?

NameChange900 · 11/05/2023 21:04

You need a set schedule. If he can't make it, he misses that weekend. This isn't for your sake, or for his, but for your child's. I went to my dad's every other weekend, very occasionally my parents swapped weekends when they had plans or were away, but 99% of the time we stuck to the routine. This gave me and my 2 siblings a sense of stability and we always knew whether we were coming or going. It also allowed my parents to make plans on their weekends off and to plan ahead. Playing it by ear is never a good idea and it sounds like that's what you are both doing.

Is he doing the travelling?
Has he tried to agree flexible working?