To keep my son off school.

This thread is going round in circles.
OP posts AIBU

Everyone says yes and offers loads of good advice

OP doesn't listen and says everyone is being horrible to her..

The thread isn't doing the OP's anxiety any good. I wonder how long it will stay.

@ThankYouMama It sounds like one of many therapists that just tells a client what they want to hear.

Ker-ching.

That is actually quite old fashioned or entry level therapy; most therapists also offer something more directive now, to give a client tools for change.

No decent or qualified therapist would say these things to you… they certainly wouldn’t comment on where your child is best placed. It would open them up to a whole world of trouble if something happened and no therapist I know would even comment on that.

Unintentional emotional neglect (due to similar extenuating circumstances) from a parent has ruined my life. I have chronic complex post traumatic stress disorder that's very difficult to live with.

I know you are working on it but please, in your own time consider medicating your anxiety and getting more help. Therapy can't help anxiety at this level until you've calmed it down a bit.

They feel a bit odd to start but you adjust and can drive and function normally. And once they work function even better.

I think you are also thinking that money insulates children from trauma. I know for a fact that it doesn't.

You need to be interested.

A bit more brutally: if you carry on in the way you are, and SS become involved, you will be regarded as culpable for failing to protect your children.

OP, you keep mentioning the cost of school fees, but I have paid the sums you mention several times over (more than one DC from 4-18), so that tells you nothing. Regardless of how much you are paying, any decent teacher would notice that a child is struggling with family issues. If you think they haven't noticed, you are deluding yourself. Your older child has seen his younger brother being shipped off to his grandmother. He wishes he were there too. His father, his primary caregiver, is suddenly absent. You are unable to parent him in a stable and reliable manner (he's going to sleep with his iPad, not with bedtime stories and safe routines). This will all come out at school, through his behaviour if not through his words.

My very extensive experience specifically of private schools is that anyone who isn't in a pretty middle of the road 'mould' attracts attention. The 'mould' is middle class/educated and generally reliable/responsible/engaged with their children and the school. The outliers are those who don't conform to this stereotype. I know it sounds snobby, but the outliers stand out to the teachers as well as to the other parents.

Or this is what I am telling myself, because it's a bit of a comfort to think that your 6 yr old will be on the radar of his teachers, when neither of his parents is able to care for him adequately.

@ThankYouMama engaging in talking therapy is great. It’s a positive step that shows you want to make changes. Your situation is really tough and I honestly believe you need more help than just therapy. This isn’t a criticism of you. This is about your severe anxiety, managing the tricky task of motherhood and your partner’s severe mental illness. That is a HUGE amount to deal with.

I don’t think “just starting medication” is the answer. I think there are many things you can do to slowly make changes and see improvements. This includes having supportive friends and family, considering medication, possible psychiatric appt for yourself,
getting specific child based therapies e.g. play therapy, getting help with childcare (doesn’t have to be a nanny, could be a babysitter or a mothers help). These are all ideas and I’m sure some will be more suitable for you. You may have done some of these or think of more helpful ones.

I am struck by the fact you clearly have access to considerable funds which means you can access resources most people could only dream
of. I hope you use this to your advantage and make life so much happier and healthier for you and your boys. Don’t you think you are all worthy of that? Don’t you think you deserve better? Don’t you think you should be thriving and enjoying life more? Best of luck, seriously. I hope you seek out as much help as possible. Your anxiety is telling you not to but you won’t be judged. Asking for help is extremely brave. I’m glad you posted, I hope you can take something positive away from this.

He has a very harmful home life.

The fact that you can't accept that is even more harmful.

I'm really sorry but he does have a suboptimal home life.

He lives with two parents with severe mental health problems who are modelling frightening and confusing behaviour, his baby brother has been removed from the household, his dad has disappeared and his mum is prioritising his dad over him and his sibling. If it isn’t chaotic and harmful then what is it?

To be fair, OP, you've said yourself that your child copies his father's rituals and cleaning routines.

Excellent post @Teder

I wasn’t suggesting anything about your son’s behaviour or progress at school. I was expressing my hope that school notices his chaotic and harmful home life, and takes steps to help him. The other adults in his life are failing him.

I was also expressing how sad and angry I am that my parents managed to cover up, from the school, the chaos and harm I grew up using the veneer of money and class. I was hoping for better for your son than I had.

The issue with paid for help as opposed to public help is the paid for variety often caters to what the customer wants to hear and often isn’t as good. Like you op, I live in a nice part of London and have the ability to pay for things in the way you describe, however from experience I can absolutely confirm that this isn’t always the best help.

As many people have said, SS are there to help and are amazing at supporting parents who are finding it difficult to look after their children, exactly like you. You might live near Knightsbridge and take taxis rather than the underground, but that doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the standards of those who don’t have your lifestyle.

People on this particular have been enormously kind (in fact, by Mumsnet standards, it’s one of the kindest threads I’ve read). Try not to see it as horrible and upsetting. Everyone is trying to help.