Ibiza after cheating

Hi OP. Sorry you’re going through this. I’d really recommend joining the Reddit forum /asoneafterinfidelity - you’ll find advice from people who have dealt with exactly this dilemma. (Rather than loads of people telling you to leave him, which isn’t what you asked 🙈.)

Set aside the rest of the relationship and what has already happened for a moment. Why are boyfriend and his mates going on a 'lads holiday' to Ibiza?

Will they be going to galleries and museums? Exploring the local craft scene? Progressing their adventure sports in the great outdoors? Taking in cultural events? No. No, they won't.

A 'lads holiday' in Ibiza is about alcohol and sex. Lots of alcohol and as much sex as they can get. Letting loose and being an arse. A drunken, misogynistic, abusive arse. Why would you hang on to a man who thinks this is a good time, a man who has already cheated on you?

Why would a decent man cheat? Why would a decent man have these friends and make these plans? Why would a decent man make this your problem?

A decent man would have already re-thought his life choices on his own, and quietly pulled out of this holiday without making it your problem.

Nope. Deal breaker with him cheating. Throw him back. Move on. Or you will spend the rest of your life wondering whether he will cheat again.

Don't be that woman who sacrifices her life on the alter of pathetic men.

He will resent you if he doesn’t you. You resent him for breaking trust. Why stay with him? He’s done it once so could do it again,

Building trust after cheating is a long process. It can’t be dove overnight and it can’t be done because you’ve decided to stay together. It’s a hard journey.

Personally I don’t think this should be your decision, he should be making it because he wants you to feel safe. Putting the ball in your court is a tactic designed for him to get his own way and go because you’ll feel so guilty that you prevented him based on your issues.

But this isn’t your issue this is his and it’s his responsibility to help you feel safe and to put that above his lads holiday if rebuilding g is what he wants.

TBH without ties (marriage, children, financial) I would not take a cheater back, but as you’ve given him this gift he should be working hard to prove that he’s worthy of it. The fact you’ve come here shows he is not.

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

If the only way you feel able to trust him now is by knowing where he is all the time then this relationship isnt going to work. You cannot possibly know he's not cheating even if he doesnt leave the country as there are many opportunities throughout the day for him to potentially cheat if he really wants to. Trust is either there or it isnt and if you start banning him from going on holiday then he'll end up resentful and you'll end up upset. Dont get me wrong- I fully understand your reasoning but trust is based on your feelings about that person, not about tracking where they are at all times- thats not healthy and will only lead to further issues. Personally, I could not get past cheating and it would be the end but you really need to consider if this is something you can deal with as stopping him from going places will only cause issues in your relationship down the line.

When people show you who they are, believe them. He's shown he has no respect for you by jumping in to bed with another woman. You're a mug if you keep going with this.

YABVU

Of course he should still go on his holiday.

Him cheating is awful but it’s completely separate issue.
If my DP asked me not to go on holiday because he wanted me to stay with him then I would end the relationship.

You either trust him or you don’t.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to see whether you actually can trust him or not.
If you cannot cope with him going on holiday then you know this relationship cannot work.
You cannot live your life worrying about what he’s doing.

Good god OP do yourself a favour and end it..he betrayed and disrespected you and now you don't trust him and you probably never will. He is not a good man, stop defending him after how he's treated you.

If he was really interested in showing you how much you mean to him and how much he wants to fix things, he would have cancelled without you asking. But he didn’t.

I would suspect you can do better.

Hate to say it but I agree.
I'm 2 years younger than you OP but 5 years ago I would've gave chance after chance to people who cheated. Convincing myself they wouldn't do it again, but of course they did.
Now, nah. I'm too old for that crap

Well, he didn’t need to go to Ibiza to cheat on you before, he managed to do that right under your nose!

Trust is gone end it

By this time next year you will be over it

Break up book yourself a nice relaxing holiday somewhere with your friends. Rebuild YOURSELF. And find yourself an honest man who adores you

Have you been together long?

Is he going to Ibiza with the same 'lads' (yuk) he was on a night out with when he cheated? Are his friends generally dogs to good men?

I think at 31 with no kids it's probably time to cut your losses rather than let this one die a slow painful death and rob you of your 30s. But it's your choice.

It's completely understandable for you to not want him to go but you shouldn't have to ask him not to.

He should have cancelled of his own accord without discussion.

It's the responsibility of the cheater to do whatever they can to rebuild the trust that they have destroyed, and that takes a great deal of time, effort and sacrifice - far more than "I've said sorry, so you should get over it."

He should be doing everything he can to prove to you he is trustworthy. Going to Ibiza isn't one of them. He'd be ditching the trip if he was seriously trying to reconcile

It seems many posters haven't read about the repair stages following infidelity so are just replying on instinct. You are correct that he should want to make you feel safe and repair the relationship before testing it and replicating the circumstances of betrayal won't do that.

However, seriously consider whether this man can offer you a lifetime of love and stability. You have no children with him and can walk away in time to meet someone else.

Absolutely this.

Raise your bar! For goodness sake!

You are 31 years old. He's a cheat. Get rid. Find a good man.

If you had young children and it meant breaking up a family home, I'd see the sense in trying to make things work, but you aren't .

This is the easy bit where you have time and attention for each other, before lack of sleep, demands of kids, pregnancy illnesses, etc etc take their toll....despite that he still can't manage to be faithful. He's not a good man, he's a creep.

In your situation I would actually prefer he went to Ibiza. If the only way to stop him from cheating is to make sure he doesn’t have any opportunity, it’s going to be a pretty miserable stressful life. If he goes and shows he can behave himself I would be more inclined to view his cheating as a one off. Some people can get past cheating, others can’t. Only you know which it is going to be for you,

Sometimes people fuck up and cheat. This whole 'cheaters never change' trope is bullshit and naive.
It does take a long time to rebuild trust. But it isn't done by keeping him close or stopping him doing things. You either let him crack on and he proves to you that he's trustworthy. Or if you can't trust him at all (which would be fair enough), then move on with your life.
What would be miserable for you both is wasting the next god knows how many years arguing about his infidelity, never trusting him, holding it against him, accusing him of XYZ every time he goes out and him feeling stifled. If that situation is likely to happen, then for his sake and yours, dump him and move on.
Your relationship isn't doomed but you both need to work hard to make it work now.

Dump him. He's a cheat who is interested in being single.

There are a 1000 other guys out there you could be dating who won't pull this crap.

It may be unfair but it’s the truth. If you don’t trust the person you are in a relationship with then there is no basis for a relationship IMO. I’ve been in relationships with both kinds of men and the ones I don’t have trust in aren’t worth my time.

I’m pretty simple in that regard. I can’t be in a relationship without trust. I also don’t really don’t believe in rebuilding trust. For me it either there or it isn’t. No amount of ‘proving yourself’ will ever bring that back, and to go through trust exercises again and again aren’t helpful for anyone.

If you're not married and don't have children then I think you should separate. Why let your trust and self esteem take a kicking? He's shown you that he is not trustworthy, honest or caring.