real reason for not wanting another

Gosh it must be incredibly hard not being able to communicate with your Partner. Not sure how the marriage survived this long?

Just tell her.

Yeah, another fudge. This could be the point when the dw hears that he's beyond the baby stage and talks about fostering instead. At some point you just need to push past being a coward and get on with it.

Oh come off it. Most people aren't into fostering and we have no evidence that his wife would want to do that.

If they are both in their 40s, biology will pretty quickly make this discussion unnecessary anyway.

Yeah, another fudge. This could be the point when the dw hears that he's beyond the baby stage and talks about fostering instead. At some point you just need to push past being a coward and get on with it.

that's not his honest thoughts though.

Just say you find it tiring and don’t enjoy the younger years it’s too much and it will make it even harder and more tiring and that you want to enjoy the ones you have as they are getting older and you are getting life back a bit and want to continue it getting easier and more freedom to do things

All of this would have been a lot easier if you hadn't presented two dishonest barriers to having a third at the outset. Hitting your limit for caring responsibilities is a perfectly good reason to stick to two. I wouldn't make up any more Mickey Mouse excuses because you'll burn up all your trust capital.

Excuses causes arguments..... just be honest with her
'I love you and I love our children dearly but I feel now I'm in my 40s I'm tiring more easily with 2 children..... I really don't think I will cope if we have a 3rd. We are in a situation where they're grown and more independent so having a newborn and back to sleepless nights etc is just not doable for me, I'm sorry babe'
She may understandably be upset but will respect and understand your honesty more

Not quite true...nothing prepares you for the first one, but you can't say you're clueless after that, so choosing to have a second if you don't like parenting the first is really all on the person choosing it.

This. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the kids he already has.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a third, you couldn't pay me to go back to the baby stage. I think both of you need to agree to have another, and if one of you doesn't agree then it's not happening. Everyone has to be up for the chaos a baby brings, the financial burden etc.

I'd have more sympathy for your wife if you had no children, but that's not the case here.

I highly doubt your wife will leave you over this.

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

Well said.

I think people's reality of parenthood can be quite a shock.
I thin it is human nature to think you know exactly how to parent before you have children, but nothing prepares you for the sleepless nights, the endless drudgery or the emotional and financial cost of having children.

I love DD to bits, but it hasn't always been easy. And you never stop worrying about them even when they are adults.

I'm not saying its not reality. I'm saying that you have thoughts and not share them. You can think what you want about whether you should have had kids or not, but once you have them, you can't go back. So you get the fuck on with it and do your best.
Nobody, not your co parent or the children, need to hear that you made a mistake.

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

I remember a friend telling me that her DH told her that he didn't really enjoy being a parent. He had a vasectomy before his second child's first birthday.

I think he enjoyed it more when they got older.

What he actually said was "I don't enjoy being a parent that much". Current, not past. He's not talking about finding the early days hard, he's saying he's not happy right now.

I would find it very hard to hear from my partner that he did not enjoy being a parent to our children. I would feel like he doesn't really love them, or our family, or our shared life.

I wouldn't leave him over the third child issue, but I might if he said our life was somewhat of a lie.

There is nothing wrong with saying "I found parenting our two really difficult, and can't cope with another"

Really? You don't think "I don't like parenting the children we already have" isn't going to cause major issues in their relationship?

I would stick to the line that you’re tired, mentally & physically. You can’t face all the upheaval a new baby would bring. You’re enjoying your children being a bit older and more independent. You like your current lifestyle and children are very expensive. You don’t want any more children.

Great reasons.

Just say you’re done. Two is enough. You don’t want any more. You are tired enough as it is. The one who doesn’t always trumps the one who does.

You're tired. You feel too old to start again with sleepless nights. You're enjoying the balance that your children growing up slightly has brought back to your life. You don't think you've got enough energy for another child. You are really happy with the two children that you currently have. There are various genetic risks that increase with age.

But honestly an 'I dont want to' should be enough. Your relationship sounds a bit odd - your references to 'the wife' and implications that you can't be truthful with her about how difficult you find parenting

I also would like to know what the 80k WFH job is please (I am considering retraining and changing careers!).

Perfectly reasonable to not want a third kid. I can see admitting you don't enjoy parenting your current kids might feel like a bad thing to admit, perhaps stick to mentioning the worst bits and saying you don't want to do that again (e.g sleepless nights).

Also there are some practical considerations, it's harder to find a car that will seat 3 child seats for example. Once you have more kids than parents the dynamic might change (some say the oldest kid gets a kid - might be more responsibility than is fair for oldest).

I would stick to the line that you’re tired, mentally & physically. You can’t face all the upheaval a new baby would bring. You’re enjoying your children being a bit older and more independent. You like your current lifestyle and children are very expensive. You don’t want any more children.
All very reasonable.