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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I look pretty?

89 replies

Itssunnybutwereindoors · 07/05/2023 14:58

Dd, 5 has started saying this recently. My dad always says she looks pretty or she’s so pretty in this dress or that. I know he doesn’t mean any harm by it, but I hate him saying it. She always used to ask if she looked *Cool when she got dressed up in various play clothes etc and it was quite funny, just feels a bit weird for me that she’s now focussing on looking pretty.
Aibu and need to relax?

OP posts:
RoseRobot · 07/05/2023 15:24

"You look great. You always do." Then change the subject. Avoid the word pretty. "Great" covers being muddy and sporty or academic in white lab coat and spectacles. Great suggests she looks fine because she is fine in whatever mode she chooses.

Daffodilwoman · 07/05/2023 15:23

I would say something to your dad too. If he carry’s on say right back “And you looks pretty too grandad!” Evert time I will guarantee he will not like it. It’s another subtle way of enforcing in females that their self worth is tied to their looks. I bet he doesn’t say this to makes does he?

Afternoonteaandicecream · 07/05/2023 15:21

My DD 4, started doing this a lot since she started school so I think she’s picked it up from her classmates. She does also ask if she looks stylish or cool as well so it’s not always if she’s pretty.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/05/2023 15:21

Heroicallyfound · 07/05/2023 15:14

I don’t think you’re being uptight at all, you’re protecting your daughter. If she gets praised for her looks she’ll attach praise to being pretty, so how’s that going to make her feel if she’s ever not pretty for any reason? Eg she gains weight or gets teenage spots. Who defines ‘pretty’ anyway?

The opposite - never ever saying it - can backfire, as you grow up thinking if your parent has never said you're pretty, that must mean you're ugly. Same way if they never tell you you're clever, logic dictates that they must think you're stupid.

It also makes somebody who does compliment you instantly the best person in the world, whether it's a genuine compliment or one made with ill intent.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 15:17

I would have a quiet word with your dad and ask him to praise her for other stuff, not her looks.

Girls grow up internalising that our looks are the most important thing about us and that is baked in at a young age (when I opened this thread I thought it might be from an adult woman which shows how often women start threads worrying about their looks on here)

Heroicallyfound · 07/05/2023 15:14

I don’t think you’re being uptight at all, you’re protecting your daughter. If she gets praised for her looks she’ll attach praise to being pretty, so how’s that going to make her feel if she’s ever not pretty for any reason? Eg she gains weight or gets teenage spots. Who defines ‘pretty’ anyway?

Iwantmyoldnameback · 07/05/2023 15:13

All 5 year olds are pretty when nicely dressed but agree with mentioning things she has some control over. Like being kind.

HappyMe6 · 07/05/2023 15:11

agree with the poster peachyboop

HappyMe6 · 07/05/2023 15:10

Agree with peachy

Original poster
Itssunnybutwereindoors · 07/05/2023 15:07

My fear is I don’t want her to be interested in her looks..I know it’s inevitable when she’s older, but not at 5! I don’t want her to even think about how she looks or if she’s *Pretty or not, I don’t know, I just don’t like it and it really grates on me when he says it. I haven’t said anything as I’m sure everyone would think I was being uptight

OP posts:
Peachyboop · 07/05/2023 15:05

I don’t think I would worry about it too much, but I think if she asks if she looks pretty you should say other things that are great about her too. E.g yes you do but you’re also really smart / nice / good at running etc just anything to deflect the pretty! Real examples of what she’s done are good rather than generalisations.

Maybe ask your Dad to give her other compliments too not just pretty.

TwinkleSprite · 07/05/2023 15:03

Not an issue as long as she's praised for other things and it's not disproportionately looks-based compliments.

Feliciacat · 07/05/2023 15:02

Were not we’re. Don’t not do t.

Feliciacat · 07/05/2023 15:01

Hmm. Hard to say without more detail on why you feel uneasy about this. Do you feel that pretty is anti-feminist? We’re you hoping your daughter would care less about her looks? I do t think your DH meant anything harmful by it but I guess it’s easy for young girls to internalise misogyny. Maybe have a word with him about your issues with the word pretty.