Do I look pretty?

I’m pretty sure it does.

Oh my God, please not this. I am sick to the back teeth of memes like, ‘you may not have the prettiest face in the class but you can have kindest heart’ or philosophy for kids , ‘would you rather be pretty or kind’. As if we can have no ambitions or boundaries for our daughters beyond being pretty or kind. Kids pick up in that y’know. The idea that girls, unlike boys, are most judged, most important in terms of life-limiting options being pretty or kind. Both boys and girls absorb that damaging message about girls.

Kind is also a quite dangerous ambition to set for girls. You pop along to the relationship threads and see how many women stay in shit relationships because they don’t want to hurt the man they are with because ( his mental health/ addictions/ childhood issues/ he’s got no mates and he’ll be lonely) as if these women can’t imagine mattering in their own right or putting themselves first in their own lives, as they have internalized ‘kindness’ as a goal for women. Look at how women’s basic safeguarding is being thrown away for the need to ‘be kind’, look at how women who say, ‘hang on a minute’ about all this are accused of ‘hoarding rights’ because we, as a society’ have so absorbed the message that girls and women should prioritize kindness above themselves.

Ever young girl should be taught how to be well boundaried before being kind. ‘toxic empathy’ is not a good way to live one’s life.

I grew up valued only for my academic ability and never got told I looked lovely. One day my granny took a look at me and said 'You're very good looking!' This was when I was 20. It actually meant the world to me, At school, I was good academically and very sporty but it might have been nice if I had been more confident in my looks. Give praise where praise is due but what's wrong with your dad telling your DD she's pretty. I just don't get it.

Yes because training them to accept bullying is what I said .. in my experience it makes you appreciate to let things go over your head, but each to their own… it does no harm to have this humour with your children

No, you want to train a young girl to accept bullying and humiliating statements. It is not appropriate behaviour from adults to children.

I wouldn't love it and I might ask him to say "You look lovely" instead.

But all the girls in DS's class knew by the age of 5 who was pretty. It is something they are very aware of by then - I was once appalled when a friend's daughter at that age explained that her best friend was her best friend because she was prettier than her other friend. You can't protect them from this stuff unfortunately.

I like this poem ...

More so that I think she might not take the pretty complements so seriously, it’s does no harm as long as they understand you’re joking and get a laugh out of it, braces them to not be so hurt/sensitive if someone did ever say this to them. Which I hope they don’t, but I’m sure we all know what kids at school can be like.. maybe it’s just our family but we aren’t too bad and definitely not sensitive about people commenting our looks 🤣

This is 100% true.

It's so important to tell kids that they are beautiful. Other things should be emphasised more, but this is also important.

My DH always used to greet our daughter with the word 'Good Morning pretty girl.' I would respond with 'yes, pretty awesome/amazing/powerful....' But she's now a young woman and I've mellowed. He always knew that she was more than 'pretty' and treated her accordingly and perhaps it's ok to know that even on your shittiest days, your dad thinks you're gorgeous.

It's important to tell children that they are beautiful.

Being smart, kind etc. is more important, but our society also cares about looking nice, you do too even if you won't admit it, and if you don't tell her while she's little she'll have problems later on.

From my experience, people who never get complimented on their physical appearance really crave this and are more at danger to being groomed as teenagers by guys who tell them they are beautiful.

Don't do this to your daughter, please. Tell her she is kind, smart, helpful but also tell her she is beautiful. It's important to hear this from your parents.

Why would she call her ugly 🤣, so she gets more fussed about being pretty?

I wouldn't like this either, we don't constantly comment on boys looks. I think it shows she's beginning to think looks matter more than they do, which is inevitable but I think I'd have a word with your dad. As you say the more you can ingrain that other things are more important, the better equipped she will be to deal with an insane focus on beauty when she becomes a teenager.

I think this is fine but people also need to drop in the jokey ‘ewwww you smell’ or ‘you uugggly’ - make her understand you’re joking and and it’s funny, get her to laugh about it

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but I would make sure to praise her for other things too.
I personally don’t really use the word “pretty”, but I do say “you look lovely” or “that’s such a cool outfit”. I also praise my daughter’s drawing skills, her sense of humor, her kindness etc.

Interesting, where does your view come from?

I think people are only vulnerable to flattery when they haven’t experienced unconditional love.

And I think people can feel like the most attractive being on earth when they’re experienced a parent’s unconditional love, without the parent even commenting either way on their looks.

I tell my 4 year old son he looks handsome or cool depending on what he's wearing.

And I agree that it's important to also say that you love them even when they don't look fabulous because they're always beautiful to you

I think it's pretty normal. I make a conscious effort to praise things like kindness and cuddling skills as much as looks but it's ok to praise looks too, especially if they've done something like washed their hair (finally).

My DD is four and asks the same, but I think it’s a lot to do with whatever clothes she is wearing. Like, she’ll ask if she looks beautiful if she’s wearing a dress, fancy if she’s wearing all her jewellery, or cool if she’s got a new hat or something. She’ll also tell me that she has strong legs when she’s riding her bike, or big muscles when she’s doing the monkey bars, or that she’s a good sharer when she’s playing with toys. I don’t want all her value to come from her looks, but I do want her to think she’s beautiful, kind, strong and hardworking. I think it’s okay to praise all of those things.

Logic leads potentially to the internalised 'I'm ugly and Mummy only loves me when I'm clean and tidy - if I look messy or play and get dirty, she won't care about me at all'.

Does she watch content where the women are pretty princesses etc ?
I think it's fine to use pretty if it's balanced with other compliments like fast, brave, kind, funny...

I quite like this.

Also focussing on activity perhaps - stuff like - you look like someone ready to play football / go on a walk

you look like someone who has spent all morning snuggled away in their pyjamas, or well you don't look like someone who is ready for bed?

could you answer with something like 'you look clean and tidy, that's all I care about' it may sound a bit grumpy but I think it'd be better in the long term.

Males not makes.