Do I look pretty?

100% this

I tell my little girl she is pretty all the time, as well as beautiful, gorgeous, that she has a lovely face, amazing eyes, etc! It is nice to be told that. I think you're overthinking it 😊

Haha well you don’t know me nor do I know you so let’s leave our opinions now, as I’d rather not spend my Saturday afternoon battling with someone on Mumsnet, although you sound a barrel of laughs

Ah yes. Banter. That defensive term that is only ever used by those giving out the ‘banter’ , never those receiving it, who have quite a different term for it.

Calling your child ugly in a humorous way. Only someone who uses the term ‘banter’ would ever think this is ok.

Perhaps the diet of compliments needs to be balanced.

Think about portion sizes when complimenting physical attributes/beauty/ dress sense, positive personality traits, and academic prowess/sports/musical/artistic skills.

I only ever got compliments on exam performance. I reached adulthood believing I was a minger and terrified of failure.

My close friend received compliments from her mum all the time, and her mum also tried to cheer lead me too. Her inherent sense of self worth has definitely helped her throughout life, she's far more confident facing life's challenges.

I think you need to stop overthinking ....I tell my ds if he looks smart, or handsome, sometimes I tell him he looks beautiful. Same with dd, I'll say she looks pretty or smart when she does.

They both take pride in their appearance but it isn't the be all and end all and it isn't a negative......they both have a.damn sight more confidence in how they look than I, who can't ever remember being complimented on how I looked by my own mother. It's left me with a lot of confidence issues tbh. 😕

I think OP it is ok if you call her pretty as long as you mention how kind she is (for example) and don't focus just on looks only.

I don’t think there is much harm meant here as long as your dd is told of other positive attributes she has.
Not pretty but I tell my daughter every day she is beautiful because I want her to feel beautiful and grow up confident in herself. However I tell her alongside this that she is kind, caring and smart and that I am proud of her. I read her The Twits around age 5/6 and we spoke about how being beautiful is about the whole person, how they treat others and about being kind, caring and respectful.
We are exceptionally lucky that our dd is a kind soul but I have been so proud of her (I always am) in particular on a few occasions when she has stood up for others when people have commented on appearance and race.
I don’t agree that we don’t comment on boys looks. I always tell my nephews that they look beautiful or handsome. Again alongside other compliments. I think no matter what you look like it’s good for people to tell you you are beautiful and loved, I hope it helps them love themselves more when they get older and more self conscious.

Beautiful ≠ pretty

Snap! I was going to post that Dawn French anecdote myself. No matter what size Dawn is she always feels attractive. And she is. Her dad sounds wonderful. I've got sons and I told them they were good looking.

Absolutely not what I’m saying.. I don’t think saying your child is stinky or ugly in a HUMOROUS way is abusive in the slightest… but as you seem to have read every book about parenting I’ll believe you ✌🏼 my whole point was about having a laugh with them and teaching them not to take it so serious, as a parent you will be their safe space. It’s not to say if you ever called your child this and they came home one day saying someone else has called them it, that you’d agree? Of course you wouldn’t. If you didn’t agree with my views or wouldn’t have light hearted banter with your children in this way, then don’t???? Simple 🤣

Is there a back story here with your own self esteem?

100 percent. A child who is raised to never be told she’s pretty or beautiful or handsome is one who grows up with self esteem issues.

Ok fine at 5 to not want that but she should be raised to be interested in her appearance, a well rounded person is multi faceted and your appearance and how you present to thr world is part of that. As is many other things, from intellect, to empathy,to drive and so on.

raising a child to not be interested in her appearance is doing a massive disservice to her. But agree not at 5

however at that age I recall my daughter saying do I look adorable, clearly if said it a lot. She is now a young adult and I can assure you doesn’t run around asking folks if she looks adorable.

Of course you should tell your daughter she is pretty. It's important that she feels confident in her looks as well as her abilities. Five year olds are well aware of what pretty means and that some children are prettier than others.

Maybe get DH onside and revert back to "cool"?

I personally wouldn't worry. She'll hit goth stage soon enough and hate anything pretty [slightly light hearted - mum of teens].

I was never told I was pretty . Smart or neat (as in tidy) but not pretty. It would have been good for me to have heard this sometimes. I have lots of self esteem issues. Ot shouldn't be the main or only focus but it is nice to think others think you look pretty. Pretty can be different things to different people.

OP - for your 5yo, I don't think you need to over-think it. Answer something like 'as beautiful as a flower' or 'I love your dress/hairclip' or simply 'you are always my beautiful girl' whilst sweeping her up in a cuddle.

So long as you're also praising her for other things, it's surely a good thing that she knows you think she's beautiful.

‘Be abusive to your children first, because they will meet some abusive people in their life’ has to be the most fucked up parenting advice ever. There is a reason no-one has ever written a parenting book based around that concept y’know.

Instead they work on building up children’s resilience by instilling a sense of being likeable, loveable, capable and having enough self-worth that you can see setbacks as just that, rather than road ends.

Having no place to go to of feeling unconditionally loved as even your parents denigrate and mock you, is not a way to raise children with self worth and resilience.

Agree with this and other posters.

I read an interview once with Dawn French and she attributed a lot of her self confidence, and being comfortable in her own skin to her dad telling her she was beautiful every day.

Agreed. I wasn't ever told I was pretty, or encouraged to think about my looks (don't misunderstand: my parents were very nice - and I think well-intentioned!) and even now I feel embarrassed to try to make myself look nice ('Not for the likes of me' ). My best friend at Uni had to persuade me that yes, I really could buy a red top (not only drab colours).

When I look back at my 20-year-old self, I was slim and nice looking (not especially pretty, but ok). I really wish I could go back to how I looked then and actually wear some interesting, fashionable clothes! I'm now middle-aged and overweight, and everything genuinely does look terrible on me! Maybe I should still try to push myself out of my comfort zone and wear something other than jeans, tops and the simplest of dresses. If not now, when?

I regularly compliment my DD(10) if she's made an effort with her appearance. Sometimes saying that she's chosen a good combination, or simply that she looks nice. I call her 'my beautiful girl' all the time... as well as calling her strong and fast and agile, or praising her when she's been thoughtful or logical or creative or come up with a good idea.

I'm desperate for her to feel comfortable with how she looks for herself. And I very much hope she can enjoy youthful fashion - again for herself.

I have always told DD she is funny, clever, pretty, wise, a good daughter.

Not hard to do is it?

Ok tell your children what they want to hear then, and once they reach the real world I’m sure it will hurt a whole lot more hearing that people will say this sort of stuff, without even thinking twice