Am I being petty? Or is this normal?

Going against the grain here! But my DD moved schools in y3. We had the same issue with her being friends with everyone but never invited to parties.

We thought about a whole class party but then someone pointed out it would be harder for her to form closer friendships if we gave the impression she was a floater between friendship groups by inviting everyone. She ended up choosing 6 or 7 girls to a smaller party and after that she ended up being invited to more parties and lots more play dates. Not just from those who had been invited but also those who hadn't (I think a couple of queen bee mums had their noses put out of joint because their "super popular" DCs hadn't been one of the chosen few).

Party politics and slightly childish but it did work!

My dd started a new school in year 3 in January, Op. In May for her birthday we invited the whole class, but it was only 12 and all girls. It really helped her make friends 😊. Having said that it was a really friendly class year anyway.

Parties tend to be smaller by year 3 and to some she may still be the “new” kid. I would just bite the bullet and invite who she wants and hopefully that will help things along

I would see who DD wants to invite first ( say 6 friends) then decide who else to invite based on that.

make new friends
but keep the old
one is silver
the other gold.

if she's happy at school, don't worry about party invites. Most kids that age have school friends, club friends, family friends and smaller number for parties & it's not indication of how much they like your DD.

18 in total?! Wow I assumed it was 30! Then I would definitely do a whole class party, they won’t all come anyway. If it’s a small class then that can make it difficult to establish friendships but try to give it time, she’s still only fairly new to the class.

What does your daughter want? This isn’t about you or Mumsnet, it’s her birthday. How does she want to celebrate? Does she prefer being in smaller groups or big groups? Does she prefer doing adventurous activities or sitting down to eat cake? Have you asked her what she wants? Are you comfortable enough with her being a separate person from you to accept her answer, even if that means no party or doing something completely different to what you’d imagined?

All this stuff about your wants and your insecurities and what other people are thinking and doing won’t do your daughter any good at all. As her mother you should be facilitating her development of her own personality and helping her get in touch (or rather not lose sight of) her preferences.

It could be that yes she’s made friends but parents invite children who’s parents they’ve known for years. It could be that she has got friends but when children are asked to pick one or two they don’t choose her, they still like her. You mention her best friend, does the other girl see her as a best friend?

It can feel personal when your child isn’t picked but try not to take it that way.

We did a whole class party in year 3, I didn’t worry about people not inviting my daughter, she had a great time so that’s what mattered. Work on getting to know some of the parents by having play dates just don’t get taken advantage of!

I would have a whole class party if we'd changed schools give me a chance to see all the kids watch who she plays with get her name out there and hope she got some reciprocal ones.

I've always asked "new" kids to ours so it seems weird why it hasn't happened I think having a big one of your own will help.

Go with the whole class but if asking in a WhatsApp group give a clear RSVP date. Sometimes I find WhatsApp group invites can seem a bit impersonal / general.

You probably won’t get many (or any?) return invites from the boys though so be prepared if you’re likely to resent this.

Go with the whole class for this one. You're setting the scene in a very inclusive way and this approach may well benefit your daughter going forward. She'll find her feet and this might be a good opportunity for you to see how she's interacting with her classmates and also identify any potential close friends.

I'd do a whole class party if you can and that's what she wants. Just put a clear RSVP deadline. You're unlikely to get 30 kids coming so should still have room for family and non school friends.

I like whole class parties though, I hate leaving people uninvited.

Book a hall, set up activities on tables and play down turns. Buffet spread. Key ring & cake to take home.

You shouldn't invite people in the spirit of getting an invite back but it does help.

If she wants whole class and you can then do it. This should lead to some reciprocals and then it takes off from there hopefully.
Could you do something smaller with the others?

Who does she want to come to her party?

That's who you should invite.

There no conspiracy. There nothing going on. You are being paranoid.

Do the cousins and the friends from her old school. At least till it's clearer, maybe change next year.

They can't reciprocate until you've asked them! If you feel generous and fun and would like a big whopping party then do it - and say to the parents with a happy smile "Hey, we just love the new school and wanted to invite everyone as you've all been so welcoming" (don't mention other parties)

Or have just the girls and say "Olivia loves all her class but it's a bit overwhelming when you're new so we've mixed it up with old and new friends! But everyone here so welcoming etc etc, we wanted to invite as many as we could fit in".

Whatever you do, do it with a happy vibe, people like people who make them feel relaxed and happy. Just think how nice it is to be able to celebrate your DD, you won't go wrong.

if she wants a whole class
you can manage it
and she is new to the school, somewhat

it shouldnt be tit for tat
perhaps she is on the outer fringes
or just shy.

Yabu and petty, you actually sound quite insecure, actually questioning why no one is inviting “us”. School parties are for kids it’s not a family invite.