I have posted on Mumsnet a few times and then deleted the next morning. I am going to give a full disclosure and would appreciate your honest opinions.
I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, was drinking alcohol socially with my friends from age 11. Now being 30 and having a 10 year old, this opens my eyes to just how young I was when my relationship with alcohol started.
Throughout my teen years it was a nightmare, I was drinking, having sex with anyone that would have me, fell pregnant 3 times between 15 and 17 (ended in terminations), went homeless at 16, was 'passed about' by men about 20 years my senior. At 19 I moved on to drugs, however, luckily I used these socially and they never became a problem for me. It was always alcohol.
At 20 I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I had postnatal depression and really hated being a mum for many years. I was so selfish and just felt like I was missing out and wanted to party.
At 23, I seemed to settle down. I lost my full time job I'd had since 18 and decided to go to college. I went to college did an access course then hnc and hnd. Was still drinking a little but nothing out of control. The summer between my hnd and 3rd year uni, I developed a really bad problem with alcohol.
I was drinking every single day, morning to night, I stopped eating lost so much weight, daughter lived with her dad for a while.
I got help, did counselling and somehow managed to get 6 months of sobriety under my belt.
After 6 months I started drinking again but it did seem to be much better, like once a month or so.
Fast forward 3 years. I made some rules for myself, I won't drink two nights in a row and I don't drink when my daughter is here. I managed to stick to this.
I'm now 30 (almost 31) daughter is back with me full time. To the outside world I am very functional. I drink about once every 2 weeks when my daughter goes to her dads for the weekend.
I am doing my masters in social work and working in addiction. Giving these people advice that I can't follow myself.
So basically, every second weekend my daughter goes to her dads, I just drink and drink and drink. I count down the days during the week until I can drink and am moody when I know I have a while to go.
When I am drinking I end up blacking out. I send really inappropriate messages to men, offering sex and hate myself the next morning.
The weird thing is I feel I'm in a really good place in every other place in my life but alcohol has this hold over me. It's the only time I don't have to think. I can never escape my thoughts.
Alcohol isn't ruining my life or really effecting it as I only drink every few weeks. However when I do drink I black out and make a fool of myself.
But because I don't drink often I wonder if I still need help?