Feeling sad about being left out

@Quandary45
I totally understand. And I think your DH should have fought for you at all costs and made a way to include you. I am angry on your behalf.

With a 3mo baby you should be being looked after as you’re unlikely to have the energy to advocate for yourself over things like this.

Tomorrow I would tell your DH that you were upset that the plans weren’t suitable for you and from this day forward you want to be treated with the respect and importance the mother of his child deserves. You should not be missing out because you have just given birth.

I was in your position many times and did not do this. My DH is now an ex-DH.

he offered to ask them to cancel but I thought it was unfair to everyone else. Didn't think I'd be that bothered but I am. Too late now - totally my fault.

Errrr, no.

Your DH has taken the option to put the decision onto you, so that you would let him off easy.

That was really not fair in you.

As a parent of a EBF new born, he should have been politely explaining that MiL/DSis can do whatever they think right. He would not be leaving the mother of his children behind in order to celebrate his birthday.

Never mind leaving you to feel guilty about not being OK with this.

The nature of our family celebrations change, depending on the ages of all the members of that family. It's only decent to put on hold plans for posh grown ups when you have such young children.

Isn't it obvious that you don't just leave out the new mother who is looking after your children?

Please don't feel guilty, OP, and make sure you pick a time to explain how you feel about this to DH. I hope for his sake that he gets it when it is spelt out to him.

Keep in mind Maya Angelou's' words 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'

Hope you can sort it out with him.

Oh lovey I remember those early says, it's hard isn't it. Plan something nice for yourself in the week, maybe n undisturbed bath with candles or a walk alone or an coffee in a coffee shop. I EBFed too and the advice I wish I'd taken was that baby wont starve in the space of an hour. Daddy can take baby for a walk or in the car but that hour isllnow and then without a small person in the fourth trimester will refresh you like you wouldn't believe X

It's not unreasonable to now feel sad, but you did exclude yourself. Could they bring something back for you, cake or similar?
For future events, a breastfed 3 month old is great, we took our first DS to a restaurant at around 12 weeks, he slept most of the time, woke up and whinged and rooted, popped him on for a feed and he was settled and soon sleeping again.
It's now, that we have 2 young toddlers who like to leave the table and wander, that we avoid eating out!

I voted YABU because no reason why you can’t take a 3 month baby to a fancy restaurant. But then I read the bit about the dress code 😮. What kind of a restaurant has a dress code?!

I generally think that if you are staying with someone and planning something for everyone to do together, it is best to discuss the plan with everyone before booking, to make sure it works for everyone.

It might well not have been intended to exclude you. But this could have been avoided with a conversation.

You can take tiny babies absolutely anywhere. Mine went to really nice places, Michelin star etc, it's not like they are going to start running around! If they cry just pop them on the boob!
Sorry to say but you left yourself out.

Ok. I’ve just seen that it’s your husband’s birthday. I think both he and his sister have been utterly thoughtless.

I understand OP. My baby was a nightmare in the evenings around that age, we couldn't have gone for dinner, a lunch would have been way more suitable.

I have similar frustrations with my DP's family sometimes. I have a 7mo that's the youngest grandchild by about 8 years and it sometimes feels like they've forgotten all the adjustments they used to make for the older children through the years (earlier meals, suitable activities etc).

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to plan everything around her, but a bit of consideration goes a long way when you've already got so much to stress about with a baby.

She wouldn’t have booked a fancy restaurant for a family event when I had a tiny baby.

Be honest, hypothetically, would you have organised such an event in the same circumstances? I wouldn’t you at least have checked with the new mum?

We all know how difficult even ‘good’ babies can be in the evenings.

We used to take our babies at that age to nice restaurants and they pretty much slept all the time. Your SIL hasn’t done anything wrong but it is a shame for you. Could you express some milk in advance next time and give that to the baby in a restaurant? Hope you have lovely cuddles with your little one and maybe a takeaway tonight…

I mean, you didn’t even try it.

We enjoyed lovely meals out with DD when she was that small. Especially with family. I breastfed. Just pass the baby down the table for snuggles and enjoy a glass of wine and your dinner. Take the comfiest chair and have a nice soft pashmina over you when you feed if that makes you feel more comfortable.

i’m not trying to kick you when you are down. Just give it a go and enjoy an early night out. These breastfeeding potato baby stages are great. Give it 6 months and THEN you will really struggle to do stuff like this as they want to be on the move and kick off at being in the pram too long.

we are stuck with family friendly places for a few years now. I’m pleased we had some nice dates and the family parties. Enjoy this time.

Just wanted to add a message of solidarity! My daughter is 3 now and I still vividly remember those first few months. No way would I have been up for getting dolled up and sitting in a fancy restaurant with a baby stuck to my breast all night (or worse, popping on and off while I tried to make polite chit chat with in-laws with a nipple hanging out). To the people who managed this, good for you, but try to resist the urge to tell OP this is her own fault please.

I'm glad you feel I get it OP. Some breastfed babies just don't do evenings out. One of mine would cluster feed 7-11pm every single night from 8-16 weeks, and at other times too in the first year. Can't think of anything worse than trying to go out with an unsettled baby who is punching the boob/shouting at it/hopping on and off all night fussing about!

I get it. I wouldn't have wanted to go either. But you have to stop being a doormat, otherwise resentment will build.

Say, sorry that doesn't work for me/us. Use your words and put your needs first. People aren't necessarily thoughtless they just forget. Even posters on here saying 'it was fine with a three month old just wait till they are toddlers' are forgetting the drudgery, the leaking, the baby cry.
When babies are small the world needs to fit around them.

My baby is now 13 months but was exclusively bf so I get it, but at that age I would have either gone or dh would have discussed with me and if we didn’t think suitable (there was a while we couldn’t do anything between 4pm-10pm as he just cried but can’t remember what age) and he would have said to his family “7pm doesn’t work for us” I think you’ve tried to be a bit of a people pleaser. If it was just for MIL bday I might have accepted and stayed home with the baby if I didn’t want to take him but if it was also my husbands birthday the plans would need to either suit us as a family or wed all not go. I can’t imagine dh would have wanted to go without me so I think yours is a bit selfish

I think you have probably come across as quite rude by not going

No, in fairness the SIL should have asked before booking. It isn't rude to say "You guys go and have fun, I'm not sure baby would behave and I don't want to risk it."

I think it's very rude to use your home as a base then exclude you for your own husband's birthday celebration. My husband would not have gone he would have suggested a 5pm dinner if given notice. Some posters don't seem to recall that young babies just want to spend the evening cluster feeding whilst mum sits topless feeling like a milk machine.

I don’t understand why you didn’t go? It wasn’t late & even some smart restaurants accept bf babies. I used to take mine at that age.

Unless children are specifically banned, I would have gone and ordered something I could eat whilst nursing or arranged with DH that we would stagger eating and rocking outside if necessary.

I think you have probably come across as quite rude by not going and should have communicated better that you assumed you weren’t going and enjoyed an evening of peace at home.

YANBU but at least you don’t have to spend time with in laws.

I think it’s a bit thoughtless of SIL maybe? I have a baby same age and all went for a family meal in a posh restaurant but they’d booked the private dining room so it was just family who could play pass the parcel with baby and I was so happy they had thought ahead for us. So although it was your choice not to go I completely understand where you’re coming from, it’s such a massive change in lifestyle when you’re used to doing what you want basically.

At 3 months I could have brought DS and enjoyed a lovely meal. A year later, no way José.