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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How does DH survive at work?

208 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:09

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2023 16:03

Because he thinks that's your job. Amd beneath him. And that, means, he's a sexist arsehole.

Mumsanetta · 06/05/2023 16:01

@roseopose congratulations on getting rid of a dead weight. Yes, a lot of men are like this and they are with women who tolerate it. The women who don’t tolerate this and have a much higher bar generally end up with men who are equal partners.

dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2023 16:01

At times I'm almost ready to pull the plug. Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways).

I understand this probably makes you feel better but I really don't think this is true. I know very few men like this.

It is these low expectations of men that helps them get away with it!

Whisper23 · 06/05/2023 16:00

It's strategic incompetence at play. An awful lot of them are very adept at it.

This morning my OH asked me to ask Alexa when a certain event is happening. When I queried why he couldn't ask her himself he said he'd have to word the question properly if he asks Alexa. Clearly it's easier to just mumble something at me.

dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2023 15:59

Senior corporate types usually have assistants and admin staff to take care of all the boring details, or they pawn it off on colleagues who actually care if things work well. They're also used to people anticipating what they want so don't necessarily have to communicate well all the time.

OP your husband sounds exhausting and while I appreciate you don't want to leave your marriage over this, it's actually ok if at some point you start thinking that way.

I do think you should just leave him to it more though. Why did you go to the shop with him?? If it's his fault that something needs to be bought, then let him deal with it. Go out all day on a weekend and let him 'manage' his kids. Anything to force him into figuring things out.

purpliee · 06/05/2023 15:58

OPs DH picked a very apt username ^

YourExcellency · 06/05/2023 15:55

Instead of spending time here on MN trying to whip up discontent and make everyone else (behind your husbands back I might add, who pays for a lot of your family's things, waited for you patiently, etc) see your point of view perhaps what you should have done is spend these 15 precious minutes (you claim you're overworked) with him to talk these things over.

You disrespect your husband by badmouthing him behind his back. You don't seem to appreciate him at all. You blame everything on him.

In short yes. You are BU.

roseopose · 06/05/2023 15:55

My hopefully soon to be ex is like this although he isn't very successful at work, he does seem to manage complex tasks and remember things whereas he is incapable of managing easy tasks and remembering anything at all at home. He doesn't see why he should have to look for stuff when I can just tell him where it is, he doesn't see why it's a problem to remind him multiple times about something as simple as asking nursery for the bill, he doesn't see why I feel the need to make sarcastic comments or refuse to 'manage' him, the issue is of course entirely my attitude. I should simply be smiling sweetly and sucking up the fact the man doesn't even know where spare lightbulbs live in his own house. His excuse? You squirrel everything away! You hide things! How am I POSSIBLY supposed to know where they are??
We recently had a conversation about his total lack of awareness of anyone or anything that doesn't relate directly to his needs/hobbies and he asked me to make him a list of things he could take over thinking about. So the solution to me having to think about absolutely everything is for me to spend a concentrated amount of time thinking of everything and writing it down, dividing it up then inevitably having to remind him what he's supposed to be doing anyway.
Do men not realise what a fucking turn off it is when they basically demand to be babied by their partner? I'm sure a lot of men are like this but we shouldn't be standing for it.

Mumsanetta · 06/05/2023 15:53

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:44

And I have raised it and raised it and raised it. It is not enough to throw away 21 years together over, but god it grinds my gears

I think there’s your answer. At work he has superiors and people to answer to if he doesn’t pull his weight and manage his projects effectively. These people won’t give a shit how long he’s been in the job if he isn’t doing it properly and would fire him. You, on the other hand, will whinge and complain but ultimately you will do nothing about it.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 06/05/2023 15:50

i don’t disagree, but I have to say since you were overseeing the kids lunch and in the room with them, I’d assume you had told them.

I wouldn’t be arsey if you hadn’t mind you!

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/05/2023 15:45

He’s probably inept at work and carried by them there as well. I have known a lot of men like this in senior roles who are thick, lazy and useless. Also, he believes he is something special because of his job but you and the kids aren’t worth putting any effort in for.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:45

BungleandGeorge · 06/05/2023 15:44

ADHD is hereditary, many people hold it together for work but don’t have the capacity to do it at home as well 🤷‍♀️

I have adhd

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 06/05/2023 15:44

ADHD is hereditary, many people hold it together for work but don’t have the capacity to do it at home as well 🤷‍♀️

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:44

Mojoj · 06/05/2023 15:37

Why would be bother at home when he has a wife/PA to do it for him? MN is full of women complaining about the exact same thing. Men are getting away with murder!!!

And I have raised it and raised it and raised it. It is not enough to throw away 21 years together over, but god it grinds my gears

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:43

SchoolShenanigans · 06/05/2023 15:36

I could have written your post. We too argued this morning about the "way I speak to him" when I simply asked him how I would know what stores are open today, that he has a phone too (after having gotten three kids up and dressed while he snoozed).

Our biggest relationship issue is communication. He thinks the issue is with my 'attitude', and I think the issue lies with him assuming I'll take all the mental load on with zero sarcastic remarks or resentment.

At times I'm almost ready to pull the plug. Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways).

I feel you. I've regularly asked my husband how he copes at work when the simplest of things at home seem impossible...

Yes. This. Exactly this.

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 06/05/2023 15:43

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

100%

Promoted up and out of someone else's hair. Standard.

willWillSmithsmith · 06/05/2023 15:40

My ex was a high flying director in a(multi) billion pound corporation. He’s excellent at managing a workforce but in his private life he can’t manage his way of a paper bag! Hence why he’s ex.

Mojoj · 06/05/2023 15:37

Why would be bother at home when he has a wife/PA to do it for him? MN is full of women complaining about the exact same thing. Men are getting away with murder!!!

SchoolShenanigans · 06/05/2023 15:36

I could have written your post. We too argued this morning about the "way I speak to him" when I simply asked him how I would know what stores are open today, that he has a phone too (after having gotten three kids up and dressed while he snoozed).

Our biggest relationship issue is communication. He thinks the issue is with my 'attitude', and I think the issue lies with him assuming I'll take all the mental load on with zero sarcastic remarks or resentment.

At times I'm almost ready to pull the plug. Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways).

I feel you. I've regularly asked my husband how he copes at work when the simplest of things at home seem impossible...

randomuser2019 · 06/05/2023 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

LeavesOnTrees · 06/05/2023 15:33

It's because he doesn't have to carry any mental load at home that he can save it all for work.

He absolutely could manage at home but chooses not to. He probably thinks it's beneath him.

AgnesX · 06/05/2023 15:30

Ings = things

AgnesX · 06/05/2023 15:29

Because he's got a team who all decode what's said and communicate. On projects ings happen in spite of poor communication (it's absolutely bloody amazing when I think of some the individuals I've worked with over the years).

I see people being lauded on LinkedIn and I think I must see the bits that others don't😳

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 15:25

My experience is that lots of people in senior positions have the gift of the gab.

Setyoufree · 06/05/2023 15:25

*as at home 🙄