How does DH survive at work?

I used to my work for a fire for of 3 companies, he was a multimillionaire and admitted if he didn’t have his PA his life wouldn’t run. Shirley was the real boss, oil top up at his rural home-done, car at the airport-done, flights arranged-done, passport/driving licence renewed-done, meetings scheduled-done. Anything he needed she was on top of…we all need a Shirley

The problem is, you've let him do this for 20 years so he's not going to suddenly change is he?

Have you insisted on equal parenting from day one, both working equally or have you taken a more family led role whilst he goes to work?

I think personally people only treat you, how you let them. I went back to work at 6 months and DH did his part of the shared parental leave. We both earn pretty much identical amounts and do equal amounts of parenting. I've made sure of that.

Even so, I've noticed that my fully engaged capable adult husband seems incapable of doing everything on the school run. There's always something missing. The more I accept it, the worse it gets and DD turns up at school with no coat, socks or brushed teeth, for example.

He even told me the other day that I was doing pickup, rather than asked me. I pointed out that I wasn't his employee. 😂

I believe its a constant education to both parents what is expected of each, otherwise subconsciously or not, one always seemingly takes the piss.

Sometimes I get really depressed that I'm single. Then I read posts like this. Yikes.

Might how do you find these guys? I'm childfree but so sick of doing domestic and life admin.

can they be trained? Is that too much hassle? I have a possible interested party.

See I am probably the female version of your dh op.
I have always held an extremely high pressured, extremely stressful and challenging job.
It’s vital that I concentrate 100%, no deviation, balancing numerous critical tasks in a water tight fashion for 12-14 hours while at work.

When at home, on days off, I have no motivation, no energy and no head space to move. It honestly takes all of my effort to even dress myself at times
Its when I can recharge my batteries and not have to think about much.
Thank god I have an extremely hands on, understanding and amazing husband who takes up the reigns and has done for over 20 years that we have had our kids.

I bet he realises what you do for your family and is grateful that they all have you.

I’ve worked with plenty of over-promoted thick women too - God knows they got the roles they did, but it’s just as infuriating.

He doesn’t take on the mental load of parenting because he perceives it as women’s work and beneath him. My DP is the same. He will ask a million questions in order to do the simplest task in regards to the kids but somehow manages a very technically job that requires extremely high levels of intelligence without someone micro managing him.

Weaponised incompetence.

Let him ‘manage himself’, just like you are able to manage yourself in all aspects of your life as an adult.

I’m sure you had better things to do with your time today, instead of escorting him to the shops!

Exactly this. The amount of ineptitude at work is something else. The lower staff are the ones doing the actual work.

re the "more expensive and time consuming route" for your house task. Some people take pride in that. My late father was one of them, otherwise it might not have struck me. They see an innate virtue in taking a harder path.

My exh manages a multi million pound budget, 20 staff, world renowned in field yet fails miserably on normal family life stuff, I'm still helping him out despite being split for years because he simply can't cope with ordinary things, it's like his brain is wired differently (he's probably autistic but they didn't diagnose when we were small at the lesser severity)

@askmenow
Well, it's essentially the children of @Putyourdamnshoeson and @SchoolShenanigans and a few others isnt it?
They see this behaviour modelled by the mum and dad, the mum hangs on because it's not 'that bad', and they go on to repeat the cycle as adults. If they're boys they become their dad, if they're women they become their mum. And so the circle continues.

There is one poster on here above who doesn't see this in men, but crucially her parents weren't like it, so ergo she found a husband who wasn't. And that, brilliant cycle, carries on circling.

@Putyourdamnshoeson do you never go away by yourself and leave him in charge of the kids?

i find this is the most effective way to keep balance in what family day to day stuff DH sees and takes responsibility for and also makes him appreciative of what I do.

book a weekend by yourself away now.

DONT prep everything eg food for him. Just go.

then do it regularly.

i likewise prioritise going to the gym, seeing my friends. and leave DH to bedtime or getting the kids up and out to school

be ruthless.

I’m firm with DH on what he needs to do and throw him in the deep end to solo parent regularly.

and I’ve done this since I went back to work after May leave with dc1 (I insisted he did a day a week of childcare for the first six months I was back. He didn’t want to (embarrassed to say so at work but I made it a red line.) it set us up for a fairer if not 50/50 family life.

but I accept I’ll always carry more of the mental load. And serious parenting.

but I’m better at it.

and it also means I get to shape our kids and family life more.

so I prioritise my efforts on the things that are important to me.

i reduce and manage out things DH says he wants but takes no steps towards eg sending DD to a regular sport class. She doesn’t want to, and I’m not going to use all my (pretty good) parenting techniques to motivate her.

I've been talking about this recently as I've recently been involved in organising a trip that is primarily Men (special interest/hobby thing).

They are all professionals, managing directors, business owners, directors, responsible and presumably capable Men. When it comes to their travel plans though it's like I'm everyone's wife or secretary. God forbid even ONE of them manages to find his original confirmation email if he has a query, instead of just constantly asking me what time they go / what date they go / how much they've paid / when they pay the rest etc etc etc.

🙄

Two perspectives, either when it's work he's more engaged or he delegated quite a bit to other staff members.

BUT....somebody is raising these men.

Hit a nerve there hinny?

He sounds like the pillock manager I once had. He was constantly going after the latest bright shiny idea, ignoring anyone who pointed out the pitfalls, and making his minions do all the work so that they became deeply unpopular for pushing each shitshow through. By the time the latest idea had been demonstrated not to work, usually after throwing thousands of pounds at it, he was on to the next thing; if he acknowledged in any way that the last initiative hadn't succeeded, it was always on the basis that everyone else had cocked up. Ultimately members of our department saw the writing on the wall and decamped en masse, idiot manager was desperate not to acknowledge that we were any loss, and he recruited as replacements virtually the first people to turn up, who quickly attracted record complaints and negligence claims. Surprise, surprise, the company went down the tubes not long after. We always used to wonder why his wife stayed with him, maybe we should have felt more sorry for her.

OP is he a bigamist? Cos I think I'm married to him too. Same silliness, every day. I have a wall calendar and he never fills anything so i still need to run things past him, he then could double book himself and tell me that ifs cos he forgot to check the calendar. If I ask about something specific like collecting kids on X day cos I have appt he will say OK but you need to remind me on the day. We have had rows over this, i say I'm reminding you now. He loses everything, puts things back in the wrong place (improving on this) and never has knowledge of what he just did. Eg did you turn the oven off? I have no idea. Did you strap the child in properly? Probably, don't remember - we'd better check. I feel he is so unreliable.
I have to use office based analogies to get through. Literally dumbed down. Eg imagine the scissors is a doc from your Z file and someone put it in Y, that's how I feel about this drawer. Or imagine the child's seat is a vital signature on this file, wouldn't it be important to remember if you signed it??

@YourExcellency
The husband (you?) doesn't need telling, or if he does then he is really really thick; he knows full well he's leaving all the drudge to his wife, and he doesn't care.

Spot on @Mumsanetta

@SchoolShenanigans and @Putyourdamnshoeson

Whilst in my experience you're right, most men are sexist like this and leave drudge work to women; there is another option available rather than just accept they're mostly shit- being single is marvellous. It isn't mandatory to have a man.

"Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways)."

Many men may well be like this, but I don't think it's most. My dad wasn't. My husband isn't. My FIL isn't.

If your husband plays the strategic incompetence card - don't play. I'd have left him to go to the DIY store alone. The trip is only needed because of previous incompetence on his part, I'd let him dig himself out of the hole of his own making. Or not, if he's incapable <shrugs>. If you keep making up for his shortfall, he'll keep falling short.

YANBU. I feel the same about my DH sometimes… he is an unbelievable faffer at home. Everything is insane detail and takes absolutely ages. He tells me people at work can’t keep up with him!!! I think he’s deluded.

YANBU

Mine had a coniption last night after DS3 spilt something, couldn't figure out where to start apparently, looking at me for answers.

I asked him, " what would you do at work if something like this happened? "
That seemed to begrudgingly inspire him.

Useless, the lot of them are just useless.

Delegating as much as possible probably helps him get ahead at work. It’s shitty for him to treat his wife like that though. Some people can’t switch out of work mode.