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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How does DH survive at work?

208 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:09

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

OP posts:
ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:28

I work full time

And you’re still the default parent! That’s awful.

Has it always been like this or is it a new behaviour?

Nightlystroll · 06/05/2023 17:25

But what did he do wrong? I just doesn't seem a big deal.
He's doing the DIY project, what does it matter to you how he does it as long as it gets done?
He was ready to go but you made lunch. Why didn't you tell him when you were ready? Why does he have to tell you when you were delaying you both leaving.
He told your son to tell you he was in the car. Your son remembered he was in the car but didn't tell you. Your son needs to learn to pass on messages.
He didnt tell your daughter. But she's 13. Do you have to go into details of where you're going, taking the phone, being in charge of the dog. Couldn't she figure all that out at 13? Why would she ask 9 questions? Why do you even let that happen all the time. Just, your dad and I are going out and we'll be back in an hour.
Admittedly, I don't know what he meant about speaking levelly. But you obviously did.
I don't think there's any comparison between how we communicate at work with others who have designated jobs that they carry out responsibly and how we speak casually with our family.

ItsCalledAConversation · 06/05/2023 17:25

My DH is exactly like this. He copes for 60 hours a week at work. Everything else is my problem. Anything requiring energy or brainpower outside of work is a massive stress for him apparently.

Yerroblemom1923 · 06/05/2023 17:24

I may have missed the point but I don't understand all the faffing with the kids!? Surely you just shout "me and dad are off to B&Q now, take the dog out at 10, don't forget poo bags, see you later!" and both jump in car and go?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 17:22

I don't think it's ok. We disagree, a lot and talk about it in front of the children.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 17:20

ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:16

I’ve not voted as I think his performance at work is completely irrelevant.

Do you work?

There are a lot of men who encourage their partners to become SAHM’s or only work PT just so they can have a live in housekeeper/ nanny/ chef/ sex doll.

I don’t want to start an argument on the pros and cons of being a SAHP but this isn’t the first thread I’ve read where the wife is treated like a maid and nanny whilst the husband has absolutely no responsibilities at all apart from working.

Weekends and evenings he should be just as involved with parenting, housework and cooking as you are.

I work full time

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 06/05/2023 17:20

arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2023 16:20

@askmenow
Well, it's essentially the children of @Putyourdamnshoeson and @SchoolShenanigans and a few others isnt it?
They see this behaviour modelled by the mum and dad, the mum hangs on because it's not 'that bad', and they go on to repeat the cycle as adults. If they're boys they become their dad, if they're women they become their mum. And so the circle continues.

There is one poster on here above who doesn't see this in men, but crucially her parents weren't like it, so ergo she found a husband who wasn't. And that, brilliant cycle, carries on circling.

I agree with you. Though the opposite can be true too, I saw that behaviour modelled growing up and always knew that I wanted differently when I was older so I set my bar high and refused to accept anything less.

My husband is nothing like my father, thankfully.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/05/2023 17:18

He isn't useless at work. I don't think he has been overpromoted, I think he is good at his job

who tells you that though? Him?

ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:18

Also he manages perfectly fine at work because he wants to and has to.

At home he doesn’t want to or have to pull his weight, so he doesn’t.

Thesharkradar · 06/05/2023 17:18

If it was strategically important for him to be an engaged parent and competent housekeeper (e.g. because his marriage depended on it) then he'd do it
agree!
you have to out strategize him @Putyourdamnshoeson

ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:16

I’ve not voted as I think his performance at work is completely irrelevant.

Do you work?

There are a lot of men who encourage their partners to become SAHM’s or only work PT just so they can have a live in housekeeper/ nanny/ chef/ sex doll.

I don’t want to start an argument on the pros and cons of being a SAHP but this isn’t the first thread I’ve read where the wife is treated like a maid and nanny whilst the husband has absolutely no responsibilities at all apart from working.

Weekends and evenings he should be just as involved with parenting, housework and cooking as you are.

Coronationstation · 06/05/2023 17:16

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

This! You just have to be good at waffling a lot in the right meetings. I’ve worked with some people for years and never actually seen them produce any physical work so I’ve no idea what they do all day other than talk a lot.

Thesharkradar · 06/05/2023 17:16

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 15:25

My experience is that lots of people in senior positions have the gift of the gab.

I agree!
good at subtly manipulating people and making events go in their favour, plus saving energy by getting other people to do menial/boring/time consuming tasks leaving them free to recharge and recuperate

RememberNancyDrew · 06/05/2023 17:12

I deal with these men at work and the saving grace - I tell myself - "Well, at least I'm not married to him, at least I don't have to stage manage his personal life, at least I don't have to fuck him."

coxesorangepippin · 06/05/2023 17:10

Does he look the part at work?? Half the battle, let's face it

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 17:05

I don't disagree that most men don't come even close to pulling their weight OP.. but the question is why is this?

I divorced the first one who behaved like this. The 2nd one is (mostly) brilliant. If he wasn't, I'd have divorced him too.

People only take advantage of you if you let them. It's time women really started to stand up to this misogyny.

BlurredVision · 06/05/2023 17:04

Being competent at work and at home have nothing to do with each other. At work he probably manages up, keeps his bosses happy, focuses on strategic goals and has a team to make sure execution is done well. That's basically what happened today - he expressed his goal (diy shop) and then you made sure it happened. If it was strategically important for him to be an engaged parent and competent housekeeper (e.g. because his marriage depended on it) then he'd do it. E.g. if you left the house earlier and he had to get everything ready to go to the DIY shop it would have gotten done. Don't fall into the trap of being his willing employee.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/05/2023 17:04

Actually it all sounds like a drama over nothing.

ShandaLear · 06/05/2023 17:02

My ex was director of a large department at a university with overall responsibility for 30 staff, around 500 students, and 5 degree programmes. He has a full blown melt down then I asked him to organise dentist appointments for the kids. I also worked full time but in a less senior role so he assumed he could treat me like one of his staff rather than a partner. Anyway, we split up and now he does all the dentist appointments.

GretaGood · 06/05/2023 17:02

I would say he delegates.
So in meetings he / they decide what needs to be done then he delegated the work to a hieve this.
Also success at work maintains his ego . If he fails he’d be humiliated.
at home he only has you to delegate to and his ego is not affected by what he does - there’s no failure.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 06/05/2023 16:56

Today he took one child to his football match, repaired the boiler, fitted a new radiator, cleaned up after himself and has just taken our youngest to a birthday party.
Ive done a wash load, cleaned the kitchen & bathroom and taken the little one to get a birthday card for his pal.

I am very lucky, very happy with our lot and grateful for our nice life, but by god I have sacrificed and worked hard to give us this life.

It all works out in the end.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 16:56

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 16:46

@YourExcellency hilarious that you think its not obvious who you are.

Perhaps rather than "waiting patiently" for your wife to DO FUCKING EVERYTHING to do with the DC, you got off your LAZY ARSE and did some actual parenting, she wouldn't need to post on Mumsnet and you wouldn't still be sat waiting patiently, you'd be pulling your weight equally.

Clearly a concept that is foreign to you.

Pretty sure it's not him. He got the idea and took ds on a bike ride.
He isn't useless at work. I don't think he has been overpromoted, I think he is good at his job, but does occasionally cause problems by communicating in a totally batshit way.

He is not a bad man. He is not a full aprtmer in terms of the mental load, by any stretch. I think that he is pretty standard for.most blokes. I think that most men don't even come close to pulling their weight.

I told him exactly how and why I was pissed off with him. He told me again how he'd respond better if I approached it in a nicer way. I told him I'm sick of being nice when he fails to make basic effort.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 06/05/2023 16:52

Might in terms of boring domestic chores, you haven't missed out.

everyone wants a Shirley and there are hardly any Shirleys around.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 06/05/2023 16:50

Emma no idea!
He knew what he was getting into from the beginning with me.
plus we were together for 7 years before kids and so he really knew what he was dealing with, accepted it and took it on.
He is a MUCH better parent than I am.

I changed jobs a year ago. Much much less high pressure, better hours, gentle work while at work, so I have now taken on a more equal percentage of the home stuff and feel able and happy to do it.
I am acutely aware of what I have missed out on. And even more grateful to have such a good person with me.

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 16:46

@YourExcellency hilarious that you think its not obvious who you are.

Perhaps rather than "waiting patiently" for your wife to DO FUCKING EVERYTHING to do with the DC, you got off your LAZY ARSE and did some actual parenting, she wouldn't need to post on Mumsnet and you wouldn't still be sat waiting patiently, you'd be pulling your weight equally.

Clearly a concept that is foreign to you.