How does DH survive at work?

We got divorced after 22 years. It was the best thing I have ever done. We now share the flat.
Because of my back he does EVERYTHING except clean. I have a cleaner. But we have this row about how I talk to him. He says i make him feel small etc. Not done on purpose. I don't even know what I said. I'm 79 and he's 75. He's only just become so helpful in the flat because of my back. He was a very good worker and boss but apparently he'd lose his temper and shout. He's awful when he shouts.

Just wanted to say I'm a senior Manager in the same sort of role as your partner and I.tend to fail at home and my husband does all the traditional wife roles.

The reason, my job takes up all my heads space that I barely have enough braincells to function the rest of the time, simple tasks and communication evade me. I'm not saying its right but just a point of view from the otherside.

Sorry, how silly of me. I got completely mixed up in my posts. I read them, meant to reply came back later and had everything topsy-turvy!

I have a friend who is a sergeant in the army. She said on barracks she has known a man who is capable of taking helicopters apart couldn't work out how to use the tumble drier and forced the lint filter in the wrong way round breaking it. They act helpless in domestic situations so that women feel compelled to take over for them.
I have every sympathy for you. The mental load of running a home and organising children's lives is often very unfairly distributed and rarely acknowledged. One reason why I gave my child my surname - I knew it would be me filling in all forms and making all appointments!

I wondered this everyday when my husband worked.

I think it needs to be considered that Dad may also be likely to have ADHD it's highly heritable. It certainly sounds like it might be the case. Masking at work n letting guard down at home? Is he diagnosed? Is it something you have considered looking into?

I think you’ve misread my intentions with my post. He used to do the bare minimum as I did everything for my son that I had prior to meeting him.

Now I’m disabled my husband does everything, I barely do anything at all. I don’t do housework apart from the odd bit of laundry, I don’t cook, I don’t clean, I don’t do the school run. When I say he doesn’t let me get out of bed in the morning I mean that in the sense that he does everything & didn’t want me to hurt myself so ‘doesn’t let me get out of bed’ meaning that I don’t have to do anything in a morning, he even brings me a brew in bed, I don’t even have to do that. He gets our son up, does breakfast for everyone, irons school uniform, makes packed lunches & does the school run before going to work.

then he comes home from work, cooks the evening meal, loads the dishwasher, tidies the kitchen, gets our son ready for bed, does the bedtime routine & puts him to bed.

since counselling several years ago he’s completely changed everything & now I’m disabled he does everything for all of us. I don’t have to do anything at all, not even ‘my share’. He’d rather do everything than me risk hurting myself

Him & his brother were ruined by their mum, she didn’t believe that men should do anything therefore he didn’t realise what actually went into running a household. His brother doesn’t do anything, his wife does absolutely everything apart from walk the dog even though they both work full time. My point in posting was that men are far more capable than we give them credit for & if we stop doing everything they will soon start to do things. As society we tend to accept that they are ‘rubbish’ when it comes to housework etc so women tend to do far more than their fair share but that’s really not the case. As soon as I actually communicated with him that I wouldn’t be doing it all, things changed. Then my situation changed again & he took over doing absolutely everything including working (I don’t work any longer)

This is truely, truely horrible and clearly abuse. It is not normal, he is an utterly crappy person and man.
I hope you are out of this relationship and I imagine you would never want to date again.
I have an ex-wife who would equate it with what she went through, which was I wanted her to help me with the housework as I was working long hours and she did not have a job nor did we have kids. But were she on here, no-one would know the difference.

What happens if he doesn't do something at work? He would be disciplined / it would affect someone else's job / the company would lose money etc.
What happens if he doesn't do something at home? You do it for him. You complain but you still do it for him.
There is your answer. He functions at work because he has no choice.

Urgh terrible to read. They think women are the servant class. Had a male housemate like that my friend put all his undone washing up in his bed in the end.

DH has a big job and his mum waited on his dad. But he is NOT like this. He is always doing stuff round the house so are both my brother in laws (both have decent jobs) and many of my friends Dh. So it is not “how men are” don’t let them make you think that.

My husband used to be very similar, I had a little one before we met so obviously I dealt with everything, childcare, drop offs & pick up after work etc. I was the higher earner but he started work before me. Once we had a child together the default was again me doing everything in relation to the kids, housework etc as he worked Saturdays & then played golf on Sunday so everything was down to me. The kids activities, taking them to football training, going to the matches solo etc. Our youngest has autism & I dealt with everything to do with his needs, special school, appointments, EHCP, physio etc. we went to counselling which helped him see that I was doing everything whilst he had his golf twice a week & darts once a week & I had no time for myself at all.

Then I became disabled, I needed emergency surgery due to loosing all feeling below the waist. Whilst I was in hospital he obviously did everything because he had too. When I came home he continued to do everything. I’m still in a lot of pain & on a high dosage of fentanyl & morphine along with other meds. He’s taken over doing pretty everything to do with the kids & house.

He won’t even let me get out of bed in a morning because I ‘mess up his routine’ (jokingly). The mornings are the hardest for me in terms of pain, so he doesn’t everything related to getting the youngest ready for school (eldest is now 22 so doesn’t need us to do anything for him, also he’s been taught to do for himself. He does his own cooking, cleaning etc). DH cooks most nights, loads/unloads the dishwasher, helps with laundry & housework etc. I do what I can but can’t manage to do a lot.

It’s crazy to me that for so many years I struggled to cope with doing absolutely everything yet now my situation has changed he can do it all. I ask him why he didn’t do it before & he said that it just wasn’t a priority to him & that I just did it all so he didn’t realise just how much I did until I couldn’t do it anymore. Anyway my point after that huge essay was that he didn’t do anything because he knew I would just get it done. I guess as a society most of us tend to assume that men are just like that, we have such little expectations that we let them get away with murder

It’s a total pain. I has substantially got through to my dh(let’s see, he’s doing the dcs bday presents this year for the first time!). In the specific car example, you stay calm by taking the time yourself. You get in the car, write a list of the things needed in the house, this still needs doing before we leave so my turn to scroll on my phone, come back out when you’ve done the list. But in the specific car example I’d have already listed out what a dumb idea it was that he didn’t listen to me to start with so here we were spending time and money to fix things.

I have been very very clear that if you are only doing things you’ve been told to , you are the household management equivalent of the copyboy and you jump when you’re told to jump. If you’re joint in the proactive planning and decision making then your management and you get to input. You can’t be both and no I should not tolerate the menial labour being mad they don’t get a say. I have been known to say very calmly you’ll have to find a competent adult and ask them, or perhaps one of the dc know that one? as an answer to stupid questions.

I had an ex like this. I sacked him.

I could kinda tolerate the situation because I earned more than him and just paid for the house and garden to be done, and he stayed at home with the kids complaining about it all, but the final straw was when I asked him to do something social with me and he said no, can't you go with a friend.

I realised then that I was just paying for this man to live the life of Riley and he was not the slightest bit interested in me anymore.

I've been single for ten years, it's amazing.

While it is great to complain about men
I’ll just stop you there, because CORRECT!

You know how he copes at work? He has to.
He doesn’t have to at home.

End of story.

While it is great to complain about men, there is a danger I think.
Most people are decent and are doing their best. Partners are frustrating.
When it is said that the vast majority of men do not put their partners first, it normalise abusive relationships.

It's called weaponised incompetence, your husband is more than capable of doing his fair share but by weapons ingredients his incompetence you do it all. Would I hell!!!

This!!!! Guy at work just been promoted and see as a golden boy, yet so many other people do his work and the wee sweary word actually asked why he had to do something cause it wasn't important, I.e. my job 🤬 had the joy of his complaining about my processes and I sitting on global review. Thankfully my corporate and always has my back 😁

So he's just sidled off to the car. Almost like he thinks he has no kids. Wtf

Ha ha ha yes. You’re lucky if it’s just your husband, all the men in my life are like this. I have a very senior job (which I do well). DH does do a lot at home but I still have to take a lot of mental load or things won’t be done. My brother seems to think our elderly mum is my responsibility and he just ‘helps’. Mum adores him and undermines me. A senior male colleague demands babying and would treat me like his PA if I let him. I’m his boss, so I don’t.
I’m not a weed and I don’t accept this. I try to take it on case by case. But unless I sack off my entire life, DH, mother, brother and job, and live in a nunnery I have no idea how to beat it. Sacking off entire life sounds tempting…..

90stalgia · Yesterday 15:19
Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

this is what i have seen also. totally plain, washed out, empty people

Because he wasn’t ‘such a dick’ when OP married him. These men take years to become dicks, it usually gets worse when they have children.

If he wanted to he would

The accusation men make that women don’t ask ‘nicely’ or speak in the wrong ‘tone’ is simply a get out device, a progression, if you like, of ‘don’t nag’. I suffered it for many years but fortunately DH, a generally decent bloke, has come to appreciate me much more. It has nevertheless been a hard slog!

Why did you marry such a dick? He would drive me insane. Why are your self esteem issues so poor that you didn't recognise this all as an issue, when you were dating?