He called his ex when drunk

I am sorry OP but you really need to have a proper think about this relationship.

He started talking to you before he split with his ex, so he's a cheat (monkey branching or an emotional affair is still cheating) he's just switched who he's cheating on now since he's started talking to her on the sly instead.

She split up with him so he had no intention of ending the relationship with her, you were just the affair not the relationship. If she forgives him and tells him he can come back as long as he doesnt see you anymore you won't see him for dust.

4 months is too soon to consider moving in a cheating drunken partner and introducing them to your very vulnerable children. He is so unstable and obviously not in a good place mentally, he needs to get his own place, a new job near you and not be in contact with her. I'd have to give it a year before making a massive commitment like introducing to your kids properly and moving in would be several months down the line from that. (Also as others have said any housing and council tax elements of your benefits will be affected)

Seriously throw this one back before he becomes too intertwined in you and your kids lives. He's not in for the long haul, its the honeymoon period and hes already cheating on you with his ex in your own house. You'll never be able to trust him, don't ruin your life out of desperation. Xx Be strong for your kids (and yourself) OP.

If you heard him in the phone to his ex, why didn't you ask him about it after?
Batshit this

@confuseddotcom201

People do not think it’s fake.

They are not saying “unbelievable” as in “this is fake” but as in “how on earth can she be thinking any of this is a good idea”.

They can not understand why you would make such catastrophically awful decisions for yourself and your children.

And that’s before you take into account the phone call.

• 4 months is too soon to introduce him to your children as a bf, never mind move him in.
• whether he is in or out of work him moving in will have negative financial implications for you in your situation.

Seriously, pay for some childcare (add it on to your UC claim/use the DLA) if you are struggling.

With 4 kids already and multiple useless fathers the last thing you need is another man in your life.

Yep, OK.
I’m filing this one under: I’m a lazy journalist desperate for a Mumsnet story. This can’t be real.

'yes I think she found out we were getting friendly and dumped him.'

So he was cheating on her with you.

Why will he lose his flat?
Or is he just telling you that.

He told you she was just a friend. That was a lie.
Can you believe anything he says?

But then I do think this is a wind up.

People think it's fake but they have real doubts over someone who can't see what's clearly obvious & is so unwilling to listen to logic and reason.

I'm sure it is very difficult & lonely ingbe a single mum to 4 kids but how you are addressing your loneliness and difficulties is really bad.

You are with a man who is clearly still in love with his ex and is only with you because she won't take him back. You have introduced him to your children before you even know him yourself which is putting them in real danger. This is very selfish & unwise of you. Not only that but this isn't even a man who treats you well - he is unhung up on his ex.

You really need to stop, expect more for yourself and deal with the loniless and stresses in a more productive & healthy way. Not only for your own sake but for your children too.

@confuseddotcom201 How does it feel to care for, to sleep with someone who desperately loves someone else? You wanted an opinion on the phone call - well, here's my opinion: he is hurt, he loves her, he misses her. He may care about you, but you are of no importance - he will run to her if she as much as moves her little finger. Does it feel good? Because if you had even a milligram of self esteem you would have backed off and not allowed him anywhere near your heart, you home or your kids.

Your lonely - buy a fucking dog
you want sex buy a viberator

neither of those will put your kids at risk

if you really really loved your kids and had their well-being first and foremost you would not even be considering this shit show

read this weeks papers 2 -3 kids murdered each one by their mothers inability to put them first and only think about their bastard partners wants and needs

I really hope your a troll

If you care for your kids at all then you'd hand them over to social services. You aren't fit to call yourself a parent. I'm sorry, I can't even try to play kind anymore.

I just wanted to know what people thought about the phone call.

Ok that's all you 'wanted to know' but now people have shared their concerns about the impact of this on your children, are you just going to ignore that?

No way would I be wanting to start a life with a guy who's ringing his ex to declare any type of feelings for her. The fact that he is even wanting to ring says he isn't over her - being drink doesn't matter - the drink has just given him the confidence to do what sober his was too afraid of.

At least have it out with him rather than just forget about it.

Because no one wants to believe someone can actually be this stupid.

I think "in vino veritas" is a saying for a reason.

You've with him 4 months. You see him in person once or twice a month.
That's 8 in person meetings at most?
And he's now moving in with you and your 4 kids.
He's looking for a Mummy to look after him.
What age are your kids?

He’s not over her. Steel yourself in case you’re the rebound. As you say, you may not be but you need to protect yourself and your feelings and try to emotionally distance a bit in case. Sounds like you need to slow things down while he gets his head straight. My DH burst into tears about something quite soon after we were first together because it reminded him of something at his first wedding (he was already divorced when we met). I didn’t see it as a deal breaker but I did back off massively and reassess.

So you’re going to let someone who is still in love with his ex move in with you and your kids?
I don’t know why you’ve posted as you seem adamant to defend his actions to everyone so just crack on.

tell him that if he moves in he will have to cover what you lose in benefits so rent / council tax and your personal JSA amount I think you get more because your looking after a disabled child

see if he willing to cover the rent / council tax and you’re personal amount

i bet once he realises its not going to be a a “ free ride “ he won’t be so keen to move in and play happy families

You will most likely lose the housing element and most likely your personal element of your claim
if your on tax credits you will have to put in a claim for UC which is less generous than Tax credits

your kids DLA amount will stay the same but anything you claim for yourself such as JSA ESA as a single person will be reduced because your partners expected to support you. - and he’s already said he’s happy to move in and take on your kids - but has he understood the financial cost of this to him
I bet you he thinks he can move in and you will still claim .

so at the very most you will lose rent & council tax and will have to pay that .

as I said in my previous post your so desperate to get a bloke living with you you haven’t even given a thought to the financial implications it will cost you and your kids

So I stand by my previous post of stupid and desperate

I'm a single parent of a child with SEN. I won't lie, I get lonely at times. However I've never once introduced them to a man in such a short space of time (or ever) because I prioritise their wellbeing and stability. As any decent parent would. Don't try and use this as an excuse for your serious lack of concern for your kids.

Well this is a sad read. You sound so desperate to believe that he didn't mean it, or that he meant it but won't remember so you can pretend it never happened.

He sounds truly awful. He was in a relationship with you before the last one ended. He lied to you and said she was a friend, so he lied to you both. He is with you because she found out and ended things. Now he is pestering her with drunken calls. Pathetic. And your self esteem is so low you listen to calls, check his phone and let this unemployed cheat move in with you and your kids after four months. Your choices are to wait until he cheats on you too, at which point he exits your children's lives without a backward glance, unless you have one together by then, or you spend the next few years while you're together knowing that, given the chance, he'd rather be with her.

MAd, absolutely mad. I feel sorry for your kids. Aren't you ashamed of bringing some stranger into your home and giving them access to your children? How foolish can you be?

A bloke you've been dating four months is staying over at your house with your kids while he so drunk he's making calls to exes proclaiming his feelings for them. And you think it's in their best interests that he moves in. Christ.