He called his ex when drunk

I think that's my real worry. He'll be hankering for that lifestyle whilst living the reality of family life. I think that's the root of the phone call not that he wants her. Just missing that kind of life

OP he hasn’t even moved in yet. He sees you twice a month long distance. If he’s already pining after that old life, he’s not going to last 2 mins after moving in. I think you are projecting all the wrong things here. The right man will be happy to settle in to a family life. This guy’s issue is he still has feelings for his ex. You are second best. He’s not committed. Please don’t move him in with your children.

im sorry things are tough and you are feeling so lonely. I think pp’s have been unnecessarily harsh

As I’ve posted previously once he realizes that’s it’s not going to be a free ride
he will be off
If will be off and gone

But he was doing those things with the right person - because he still loves and misses her, and thinks about her everyday.

I agree that the novelty of four kids will wear off quickly.

I like the sound of his ex actually, refusing to talk to him.

@confuseddotcom201 Speaking from experience - definitely not.

The phrase “absolutely fucked” comes to mind.

This is hugely serious, you need to work out the financials in fine detail before moving in with someone. Use the calculator I linked you and read the guide too.

Most of all you need an actual long term, solid relationship before progressing.

You have seen this guy a handful of times for 4 months. You’d need to have him as a proper Bf in your life for about a year or two and really know him.

You and the kids are too vulnerable to be going along the path you’re choosing currently. Please be careful in all regards.

Take care.

That relies on him making up the difference though.

And then when you break up and he leaves, you have to reapply all over again as a single person and wait for the claim to be assessed and approved or rejected. Leaving a gap in income in the meantime.

OP you absolutely aren't making a decision in the best interests of your children if you move him into their home this soon. Even a year in would be too soon. Let alone sixteen weeks.

OP go back to your first post and click on see all and read all your posts back to yourself. It doesn't make good reading. Being lonely is not pleasant but being used is even worse.

Dump him and concentrate on your kids

Have you even looked up how your benefit entitlements would change by moving him in OP? You'd at minimum lose your single occupancy council tax discount. At minimum.

Literally I would stop with all this Willy Wonka nonsense of worrying about him missing out on theatre breaks.

And start worrying that this guy could impact you being able to feed and clothe your children.

@confuseddotcom201

Read this, it is called a survival guide for a reason!!

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-partner-and-benefits

And again, check your figures

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Ps if you are on tax credits you will have to stop your claim and go for UC which is shit by comparison.

@confuseddotcom201

OMG I can’t believe you are asking this.

If you move in a partner then anything means tested is reduced or lost entirely (everything bar the DLA, and ESA if you yourself are disabled and in support group). It is treated the same as if you’d married him.

And if you try to diddle the system and not tell them he’s moved in, you could end up with a prison term and your kids in care.

You could lose rates/council tax etc reductions too.

And a lot else. It’s absolutely massive and will impoverish you.

You are FAR better to maintain separate households in your situation.

If you were both working full time then moving in makes sense. On benefits. No.

If you've been together at most four months and only see him once or twice a month then how many times have you actually met the guy?

You're going to lose a lot of your benefits if he moves in...

In terms of the emotional side, it sounds like you're willing to be second best in that respect. That's fine if it suits you, but you will always be second choice. He is hardly a catch anyway as he emotionally cheated on his ex and lied to you about the relationship. It's a shitshow...but you know that. Bask in your shitty life choice and own it.

You'd have to make a joint claim. If he's working your universal credit etc will be reduced. If he's unemployed the UC would be in both names with him entitled to equal access to the money. You'd be a damn fool to put yourself and your children in that position.

He is not over his ex and you are being naive to jump into relationship with someone so quickly when you have 4 kids.

If he was over her, he wouldn't drunk call her. You are looking for another explanation, but you need to accept it and move on. For your sake and for your kids sake. They don't deserve to have someone in their life who will leave in a few months.

You’re probably not wrong. You and your children are a novelty for now. If he moves in, the reality of family life with 4 children will soon kick in. He’d be mad not to hanker for the life he had with her.

The reality is that he will get sick of playing “daddy” to your children, find another woman without children, lie to her and say that you are just a friend and then leave you.

How you get them is how you lose them.

So you think either he wants her or he wants what she represents, which isn't what you can provide.

Mate, continuing this relationship is utter madness.

It would be foolish if you didn't have kids.

Because you do, it's just plain irresponsible.

"I do know the life he had with her" you probably don't though, you got the cheating boyfriend version of the life he had with her, he wanted to sleep with you and he was hardly going to say he loved his partner but he's a dirty bastard who can't keep it in his pants if someone new shows him interest.

I know its easier to believe he misses the life and not her, and maybe he does to some extent but if he really is not enjoying family life with you if not her he will go find someone else without kids eventually since he's a selfish pig and how can you trust someone like that. X

You haven’t addressed the fact that at the minimum you will lose your rent / council
tax element and most likely your personal element of any UC claim

How do you feel about that
do you think he will be willing to cover the rent and anything else you lose

Oh that’s different I suppose.

Ignore my previous posts. Crack on - sounds like a brilliant idea to move in.