Finances and relationships

Well done OP.
Good luck with your house hunting

Good on you OP for realising what was going on and taking action on it.

All the best, you have dodged a bullet.

Duplicitous little shit.

Well done, OP. He's a gold digger.

So it's all about looks? If OP is punching, it's right that she's left. If ex was punching, she should consider herself lucky that someone was willing to let her look after and pay for his kids, use all her savings, be grateful that he gave her a second glance?

Why do you keep putting words in OP'S mouth. Where did she say she's unhappy because he cares more about his kids than her?

What an utterly charming person you are. I'd like to make a few assumptions of my own about your own personal life but you're not worth getting banned for. Have a lovely weekend 💐

Sounds like the right decision was made. Everyone's a winner. The MN collective can chalk up another win!

@Yousee - I don't have any opinion at all on what was in it for the OP. Maybe she's a real catch and he's utter dross (the default presumption on these sorts of MN threads)? But maybe he's a dreamboat and she's a dog? (On the balance of probabilities, this is just as likely as the first scenario, but somehow this never occurs to the MN army). Most likely both are just average, and he was indeed getting a better deal out of this situation than she was. Fact is, none of us know either way. The only thing that can be said for sure is that for this couple, at this time, he's not a keeper (in her eyes) because he cares more about his kids than her, and she's not marriage material (in his eyes) and certainly not 'combine our assets' -worthy, so it sounds like both are better off out of it. Everyone's a winner.

@Mark19735

OP thinks that contributing 10% of value of his home ought to buy her 50% of equity in the home where her SO raises his 2 kids.

Except you've literally made this up and she didn't say she thinks that at all...

What everyone else has already said. And I say this as a stepmum. But I see you've seen the light so 👍 Let's hope he doesn't find some other poor mug.

I’d end this relationship .

Well done, it's not an easy decision.

You were wasting your time and money and clearly being happily used for childcare.

@Gemmygem81 so glad you've made that decision. I know it can't have been an easy but you are worth so much more.

However, I'm not sure who's going to be more gutted you've not realised the opportunities for a happy, safe, secure future you have given up - your ex or @Mark19735 😂

@Mark19735 I'm sure we would all love to hear your thoughts on what this relationship brings to OPs life that makes it worth her while?
You can't accuse her of being "transactional" and also claim this man is quite right to charge his childrens expenses to her as the price of the privilege of her insecure relationship with him.
Can't you see how ridiculous your position is? Why shouldn't he continue to pay for his own children? What kind of dweeb would drain the finances of a woman earning less than him - who he's not even married - to like this? An abusive one.

He saw you coming.

I can't believe you gave up your home and independence to be this man's skivvy and to pay for the privilege!

This is absolutely awful that he has changed the goal posts. You sold your house on a promise that he has changed his mind on without your input.

And he earns more than you and yet you're paying more than 50pc of costs...it should be in proportion to your salaries as a minimum and you shouldn't be paying for his kids as that's treating them as a family and sharing with them, when he is not treating you as family and sharing what he has with you. He is massively massively financially benefitting from this arrangement while you're dipping into savings - how is that right?

I'd either split as it sounds like youd be better off. Or buy your own investment flat or something and pay him a nominal rent. And by nominal rent I mean the rent for a lodger, and then take off what I pay towards kids stuff (or stop paying for kids stuff).

He has really played you if you even need to ask if his 'what's yours is mine but whats mine is just mine's attitude

Basically this, op you were very foolish to have just walked into this. Who sells their home and not discuss the details??

You were very foolish to begin with. Had you set out and discussed all financials with him this wouldn't be happening? You paying for half of everything and his kids wouldn't have happened if you didn't agree to that in the first place? Why would you sell your home and make such a bad financial move without ensuring these things were ironed out?

Either you are a parent with an equal say in which case you can say no to activities or meals out when you can’t afford it or he pays for his kids. Stop paying ‘rent’. Fair share of bills yes. Rent no. As he doesn’t want you to claim a financial interest he is an idiot to make you pay rent as a court could see anything above 50% bills as a financial entitlement to a share of the house. Use the money you save in ‘rent’ and your savings to invest elsewhere. Don’t use your savings if you can’t afford something then say no. I understand why he would protect his house for himself and his kids but he should also understand you want the same security and will be using your money after bills to build up your own assets/buy a house.

Really? Sounds like this to me. OP had a property which she sold. There's no mention of equity, which is the important thing ... but proceeds from sale are referred to as 'savings' rather than 'lump sum' and appear to be matched in size to the cost of an extension ... there's potentially a wide range here, which the OP hasn't revealed, but if average UK house costs £280k and the average extension costs £30k, it seems that OP might have equity of about 10% of a family home. OP thinks that contributing 10% of value of his home ought to buy her 50% of equity in the home where her SO raises his 2 kids. Maybe that's fair, maybe that's not ... depends on lots of other factors.
She earns less than him. She describes expenditure on family activities and holidays in terms that can best be described as transactional.
OP wants 'equality' in a familial setup that actually has 4 people. She thinks fair means getting a 50% stake in the assets of the family, and thinks that contributing 50% of the costs should earn her that. But that is a basic accounting error. Running costs and Asset values are different. The former is a P&L account, the latter is a balance sheet. Believing that a three-year relationship justifies merging the financial interests of the parties on a 50:50 basis is very outdated. It's what getting married used to mean. But thirty-plus years of caselaw from the Family Courts means people are rightly wary about this. Note also that they aren't married.
The SO is her partner, but he is also a dad, looking out for his kids - so good for him for doing right by them. He should be applauded. There's a reason why fairy tales warn of wicked stepmothers, and the attitudes displayed on this thread show exactly why that is. Trust works both ways, and has to be earned. Getting married might be a good start. As would acknowledging the kids as legitimate interested parties in this discussion. And in the meantime, there's nothing preventing the OP investing her savings in an ISA or a pension - both of which are likely to provide her with better financial security in the short term than property (although that's a different thread entirely).

OPs partner has found her thread!

If you don't love his kids and consider time spent raising them 'free childcare' ...
and if you don't trust him and consider yourself to be a lodger ...
then you already have your answer.

There's no law or moral obligation saying you have to love his children and take on the step parent role ... but it's really not surprising at all that this is what he wants, and if you aren't able to fulfil that role perhaps it is better that you end the relationship. Just don't pretend that you are somehow a victim if that happens.

This is the type of scenario your silliness is setting yourself up for.

Skivvy aupair, paying him to be used by him.

Wasting your money.

A user like him would make a mug like you homeless in a heartbeat.

Wake up to your foolishness or don't be surprised at the above result.

He saw you coming thats for sure.

Sounds like you’re being used. Ditch him and get your own place.

You are very very foolish and are being used as a really dim MUG.

Move out and leave him to his childcare.

How could you be SO foolish.

They agreed she would pay for a share in his house. He changed his mind. (But charges rent).

Nothing like the scenario you're describing