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Original poster

Is this morally wrong?

156 replies

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 19:49

I am fairly good friends with a guy, our kids play together and I go out at work with him often (runs his own business) and we socialise once in a while and keep in touch.

He and his partner (his children's mum) split 8 years ago. My friend seems over it, they get along fine and he doesn't speak much about her, life seems to have moved on.

I was not friends with him when they were together. A few months ago his ex partner added me on instagram, I find her extremely physically attractive. One night a few weeks ago she sent me a highly sexual message, making it pretty clear she is interested in me sexually. We have messaged a bit back and forth. I asked what her ex, my friend would think about this and she replied that it's none of his business and she won't be telling. We have been planning when to meet.

I really want to, and I know it's a purely sexual thing. That's all I want and the way she is presenting it, it seems to be all she wants. Nothing relationship wise will come of it, so I suppose there's no risk of anyone finding out.

I just feel like I'm doing something wrong but then I think well he has slept with others and had other girlfriends since they split. He is over her, it was 8 years ago.

If I do this is it okay? Or morally, even if he is over her, is it wrong?

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 05/05/2023 23:06

HadalyEve · 05/05/2023 21:49

I’d tell the friend that his ex contacted you and has suggested a FWB type deal. You don’t need his permission or anything misogynist like that. It’s more if things turn sour with her, she would have plenty of ammunition to destroy your friendship. So if you value your friendship, he needs to be in the know.

Yeah this
Just be upfront. Tell him she contacted you, that you feel weird about responding without him knowing. See what he says.
Either he won't give a fuck, in which case all good
Or he will, so you can decide whether the friendship or the shag is more important

thaegumathteth · 05/05/2023 23:03

Well you sound like you've made your choice anyways so why ask? Obviously it's a potential can of worms and you should definitely gauge your friends reaction but you'd rather prioritise some sordid revenge fuck to boost your ego so on you go.

ChrisPPancake · 05/05/2023 23:03

Are you prepared to lose your friendship with him for a fuck with her?

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 05/05/2023 23:03

You clearly want to do it so you may as well go ahead…but don’t expect your friend to still be around when he finds out

Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 23:02

You need to use your own morals, not ours. There is no universal moral compass.

RobertaFirmino · 05/05/2023 23:01

You ever heard the phrase 'Bros before hoes'? Not the best way of putting it of course, but you get the jist.

Throwncrumbs · 05/05/2023 23:00

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 20:55

I'm not taking her on a date though. It would be purely sex.

Really, you would potentially upset a mate for a shag… you sound a right catch!

SaulSobieski · 05/05/2023 22:59

assuming you aren't 100% hideous

That phrasing is hilarious.

SaulSobieski · 05/05/2023 22:59

She has made it VERY clear she wants to have sex and nothing more.

Maybe she's got a high sex drive and is rather liberated.

Equally I find it a bit odd that a very sexually attractive woman is adding blokes on Instagram and offering no strings sex off the bat; I do think there's reason to be suspicious about her motives, given you're mates with her ex.

Do you really want caught up with a bunny boiler.

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2023 22:58

You don't sh#t on your own doorstep. Go and find a random to shag, not your mates ex

porridgeisbae · 05/05/2023 22:57

Well, if you have to ask...

@dadsnethelp I think you're feeling you might hurt your friend.

There are plenty of women in this world so assuming you aren't 100% hideous, you will be able to find someone else willing to get involved with you.

SaulSobieski · 05/05/2023 22:56

I probably shouldn't find the idea of op trying to casually say to his mate "your ex is messaging me, mind if I bang her" (in much more polite terms of course) so funny.

Well op, you're going to have to find a way to phrase it .... Obviously something like "go out with her" rather than "she's offering it on a plate so I'll be shagging her at least once".

That's the only truly moral/honest way to go about it.

Original poster
dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:52

Wristfolds · 05/05/2023 22:51

Do you have kids?!

imagine telling your friend how you’ve been socialising with his kids without him. You can’t honestly maintain a friendship like that

I wouldn't be spending time with his children without him. It's nothing like that. She has made it VERY clear she wants to have sex and nothing more.

OP posts:
5128gap · 05/05/2023 22:52

You're going to do it anyway, aren't you? So rather than seeking absolution on here by asking about morals which are subjective and personal, you're probably better thinking about how you can do it without damaging your friendship.
And the obvious answer to that is to be upfront with him. There's a chance after 8 years he won't care if you're sleeping with her, but the deceit if he finds out will be hard to get past. He'll feel he's been made a fool of and that you're shady.

Original poster
dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:51

Wristfolds · 05/05/2023 22:51

Do you have kids?!

imagine telling your friend how you’ve been socialising with his kids without him. You can’t honestly maintain a friendship like that

Yes I have children also

OP posts:
Wristfolds · 05/05/2023 22:51

Do you have kids?!

imagine telling your friend how you’ve been socialising with his kids without him. You can’t honestly maintain a friendship like that

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 05/05/2023 22:50

🙄

Original poster
dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:49

Not sure why it's so hard to believe that a woman may proposition me for sex. She said she had found me attractive for a while but I had a partner etc wasn't the right time.

OP posts:
DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 05/05/2023 22:46

theGooHasGone · 05/05/2023 22:43

People who add others "out of the blue" on Instagram and proposition them for sex.

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In his dreams

theGooHasGone · 05/05/2023 22:43

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:01

People acting like what?

Show quote history

People who add others "out of the blue" on Instagram and proposition them for sex.

PrinnyPree · 05/05/2023 22:41

Just mention it to your mate if you want to remain friends. You don't have to go into the gory details just say his ex has contacted you and is flirting with you and see if that bothers him?

If you don't say anything then yes it's morally wrong and will probably come back to bite you on the arse when the ex rubs your ONS in your friends face.

Seriously though, just find someone else if "you're quite attractive yourself" and don't get involved in this bunny boiling shit.🙄

RoseMarigoldViolet · 05/05/2023 22:39

Don’t do it. Most likely will result in trouble for you. Not worth it. There are plenty of other people you could sleep with.

Dontjudgeme101 · 05/05/2023 22:39

Yes it is morally wrong. Find someone else!

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 05/05/2023 22:39

Yes its wrong to do it behind his back. You need to have a conversation with him about it.

JudgeRudy · 05/05/2023 22:34

CaroleSinger · 05/05/2023 21:25

And you don't think she'd still use his mate to get back at him after 8 years?

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I think it's unlikely. I don't think most exs seek revenge at all let alone 8 years down the line. I expect they just fancy each other.