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Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 21:59

I’m glad you’re feeling better OP. You’re still being a bit unreasonable. Half of that stuff you couldn’t have done before today or tomorrow morning anyway.

Tell him to sort the lunches and the cat. You get the school bags and DC clothes. Then you each take 10 min throw your own crap into a bag.

At most an hour.

BlackPhillipsCheese · 03/05/2023 21:58

If you were packing for yourself and your DC, what exactly did he need to do? Throw a couple of outfits in a rucksack?

Do you live together?

It's a bit confusing, sorry. It sounds like you're stressed and overreacting.

What else was there to do? If I'm going away for 1 night I can't think of any huge packing or planning to be done. Maybe put the food waste bin out?

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:57

I don't feel the need for it to take 8 hours either. I started work at 7, took DC to school and picked them up and worked until half 4. Tea had to be cooked and well as get DC ready for swimming. As I said, to some people, doing everything else on top of that may seem a breeze but for me, I just can't do it and just get stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

Totally agree I didn't handle it the best by storming out. But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover. Plus there's other little bits that just need to be done so they're not there when I get back.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

It's just the fact that it doesn't matter when it's all left to me, but it can't possibly be left for him. Totally get I haven't been an angel but there was no need for him to be out for hours on end knowing we had stuff to do.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 21:54

Gymnopedie · 03/05/2023 21:46

This is about more than packing, isn't it?

Does he make a habit of swanning off and doing whatever he wants then telling you it is what it is (which sounds disrespectful to me)? And does he expect you always to pick up what needs doing?

Because for those PPs saying it doesn't take long to pack for one night, it sounds like that could equally be directed at the DP - he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

The other read is that he knows it will only take him 10 minutes, so didn’t feel the need to dedicate 8 hours to it.

For some reason the OP thinks that packing will take a long time. Which leads me to believe that either has some odd expectations of the process and what it entails. For all we know the part about him not doing it right is that he doesn’t pack 3 suitcases of extra clothes, 2 boxes of toiletries, and rations to last a week plus cleaning the house from top to bottom.

AtChoService · 03/05/2023 21:53

YabVu.

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 21:53

@Gymnopedie Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

Or maybe he expects OP to pack for her own children since they are her children after all.
I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of throwing a fresh outfit for himself in a bag if left to it.

proventocleanbetter · 03/05/2023 21:50

ADHD isn't an excuse to flounce and act like a drama queen.

I have ADHD and in my experience, packing for one night means you realise about three minutes before you're due to leave that you haven't packed. Leaving ADHD aside, packing for one night doesn't take all day, and it doesn't take two people.

Gymnopedie · 03/05/2023 21:46

This is about more than packing, isn't it?

Does he make a habit of swanning off and doing whatever he wants then telling you it is what it is (which sounds disrespectful to me)? And does he expect you always to pick up what needs doing?

Because for those PPs saying it doesn't take long to pack for one night, it sounds like that could equally be directed at the DP - he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

Notparticularlyslappable · 03/05/2023 21:41

So, he had the day off work today, but you were working all day and in meetings.

He went to his mums for the day, then popped over and had a beer with his friend, before coming home with you.

You had a strop and left your boyfriend to put your young kids to bed and are now lurking in your car down the road.

And it takes you a whole day to pack an overnight bag.

There's only one person here being unreasonable, and it sure as hell isn't your
boyfriend!

Jamaisy82 · 03/05/2023 21:39

I don't think this is about packing its about the fact he had a drink and didn't come back earlier but if it is about the packing you do yours he does his packing simple.

PollyAmour · 03/05/2023 21:32

Underwear, pyjamas, change of clothes and washbag.

It'll take you 10 minutes tops. Stop being a drama llama.

Tilllly · 03/05/2023 21:32

How frustrating!

He's being unreasonable in that you'd made plans - regardless of how long it does or doesn't take - and he let you down

It sounds a bit final straw scenario

Take a deep breath and go tell him why it's upset you

hayu19 · 03/05/2023 21:19

When going away I pack for myself and the children. DH packs his own bag. You don't really need loads of things for one night. I don't mind my DH staying at his dad's as I do the same at my mums it gives us a break now and then and I enjoy having the bed to myself 🤣

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 21:19

Oh dear well it sounds like your getaway hasn’t started off great. I won’t give you a hard time for storming out but hopefully now you realize that may have been an overreaction.

I think the problem is that you are putting a lot of unnecessary effort into getting ready for an overnight. From the sounds of it you’ll be getting ready longer than you’ll be away!

go home, kiss your kids g’night throw some shit in a bag, and laugh at yourself.

namechange1986 · 03/05/2023 21:17

This is ridiculous. You've leave him to put children (who aren't his) to bed as a punishment?

Are you going camping? Otherwise I don't understand all the packing.

themiffy · 03/05/2023 21:16

For those saying it should only take 10 mins, if you have ADHD it can take as long to pack for one night as it does for a week. In my case it can take me a week! It also leaves me stressed and exhausted so OP I sympathise and understand why he made you so mad.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/05/2023 21:15

If he has been af his DMs all day then popped out to meet a friend and you have already picked him up he really can't have had much to drink. 1 night away can only take 15 mins to 30 mins to pack.

PollyPut · 03/05/2023 21:12

@ohfacksake so you've left him drunk in charge of the DC? Hmm - I'd get back in there and just get packed and go to bed!

ShowUs · 03/05/2023 21:12

Sorry but I don’t think he wants to go.

You pack your overnight bag and he packs his.

It shouldn’t be this difficult.

ZekeZeke · 03/05/2023 21:08

Whole lot of drama over nothing.

MichelleScarn · 03/05/2023 21:07

Unless you're going on some huge outward bound or vairy fancy black tie do, why is packing such a hoo ha for one night?

PaigeMatthews · 03/05/2023 21:07

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.
well, you didn't need to do that. You chose to do that.

also, why do you need to pack together? They are not his kids. You're an adult. You pack for you and your children yourself. He packs for himself.

does he often put your children to bed?
how much does he normally do in your house?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 03/05/2023 21:06

Echoing what pp's have said. You're going for 1 night. How long can it take?

Just pack yours and whoever elses you need to pack and leave him to pack his own stuff.

If it was one night, my husband would pack socks and a pair of undies and not much else.

What does he need?

BlackPhillipsCheese · 03/05/2023 21:03

Hang on, are the DC not his?