Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:48

Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 22:44

Glad you’re sorted op.

can we see a picture of your cat now?

Haha, of course Smile

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:45

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:41

I was going to but thought, as it was one night, it would be ok. But then it just all come to a head and I couldn't cope.

Show quote history

That's understandable, still cannot believe your partner behaviours, you sure it's not an affair ?

Birdsongsinging · 03/05/2023 22:44

I think you are not being unreasonable at all. You wanted to do it earlier and he said no he would help, then he goes out and doesnt help at all. I would be totally annoyed at that.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:44

Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:23

Btw OP I have adhd too so wasn’t saying OTT stressed in a mean way. I verrrry much get it.

Your reply means a lot, thank you.

I just felt like he could've easily spent time with DM and made it back to help me like he said, but he chose not to.

And then I was left to deal with this mental list of everything that needed doing and had a meltdown. I can't help it, it just happens.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 22:44

Glad you’re sorted op.

can we see a picture of your cat now?

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:41

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake why didn't you pack in advance during the week ticking off a list as you add bits to your case ?

That said, all the best op

I was going to but thought, as it was one night, it would be ok. But then it just all come to a head and I couldn't cope.

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake your dh was a pickle of the highest order

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake why didn't you pack in advance during the week ticking off a list as you add bits to your case ?

That said, all the best op

5128gap · 03/05/2023 22:26

You're just stressing about the trip OP and have hit out at the wrong target. Lesson here, if you know you need to do things way ahead to feel under control, do that for yourself. Don't let anyone talk you out of it if that's what you need to do.

Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:23

Btw OP I have adhd too so wasn’t saying OTT stressed in a mean way. I verrrry much get it.

Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:21

Actually feel like he was really unreasonable. Packing has been a distraction here. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, you need to be there. That’s how trust exists. If he said he was going to pack with her today, why did he think it was ok to just not come back. It’s really disrespectful of her time. And smacks of he got a better offer so he chose to let her down. It shows he doesn’t value her.

and as she has adhd he should know (as her ‘partner’) that she was stressing about packing and the rest of it, and needed his support. I mean, everyone on this thread has seen how OTT upset she was about these tasks, so it seems unlikely he hadn’t noticed.

wouldn’t be hard to say to his mum, “thanks but no more alcohol mum, ‘Partner’ is a bit overwhelmed with packing and the kids and work so I’ve said I’m going to go home and help her.”

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:17

FloorWipes · 03/05/2023 22:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. He said he would be back and help with the stuff you were finding difficult. He wasn't back and he didn't show any understanding of the effect on you. I'd be annoyed stressed out too.

People who don't find stuff like this difficult - several commenters on the thread - probably can't really understand the "big deal" but I absolutely get it.

Thank you so much Smile

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 03/05/2023 22:16

I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

There's your problem right there. He is not consistent.

Don't let a man dictate your life to you.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:16

@Erex you have hit the nail on the head and thank you for understanding.

I do realise I need to apologise. I need to start the process for a diagnosis as I think I'll then learn to deal with these feelings and outbursts! DP thinks I'm just trying to label myself and that everyone feels/thinks/reacts hoe I do, but I know my brain is different.

Again, thank you, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
FloorWipes · 03/05/2023 22:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. He said he would be back and help with the stuff you were finding difficult. He wasn't back and he didn't show any understanding of the effect on you. I'd be annoyed stressed out too.

People who don't find stuff like this difficult - several commenters on the thread - probably can't really understand the "big deal" but I absolutely get it.

Erex · 03/05/2023 22:12

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:01

Ok I've accepted I'm BU. Thanks for kicking me into shape!

Although you were BU, I understand why you planned it as you did. I'm autistic with ADHD and will often put a day aside for a certain task, knowing that I likely won't need all of it. Poor DP's week will then consist of "remember we're packing on X day!", although he is used to it now!
It also throws me if he then says we won't do it then but will do it another day instead. Perfectly reasonable, but the last minute change and the fact we weren't prepared "on time" would upset me. It's about learning to control those feelings, but it is difficult.

To pp, if the OP has ADHD as she suspects, those tasks will take an hour or so, but will eat away at her until it's done. It's bloody difficult to regulate sometimes.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 22:09

Have you gone home yet? Are your DC okay? Using bedtime with your boyfriend as a punishment for him or the DC is awful.

Yes I'm home. The DC are fine and in bed. I'm also in bed. The DC were oblivious to it and my DP has survived. All is well.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 22:09

Have you gone home yet? Are your DC okay? Using bedtime with your boyfriend as a punishment for him or the DC is awful.

Booklover40 · 03/05/2023 22:03

Your dh sounds like a bit of a selfish git however you are totally over-dramatising this one night away. I'm taking it you don't go away very often?

I can't even imagine this being a "thing" in our house and dh and I go away for holidays alone 3-4 times a year and we have 4 dc's. I leave the gp's money for food/takeouts, make sure the uniforms are set out for the ones that need them, throw a few things in a bag for myself (have never, ever worried about dh's packing - he's a grown man after all) and that's about it.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:02

Thank you @saltinesandcoffeecups

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 22:02

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:57

I don't feel the need for it to take 8 hours either. I started work at 7, took DC to school and picked them up and worked until half 4. Tea had to be cooked and well as get DC ready for swimming. As I said, to some people, doing everything else on top of that may seem a breeze but for me, I just can't do it and just get stuck.

I was being facetious on the 8 hour thing, I really did not think you were packing that much.

Now get off of MN and get ready to go.

Hope your overnight trip is a fun one!

Redebs · 03/05/2023 22:01

What does the cat need sorting???

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:01

Ok I've accepted I'm BU. Thanks for kicking me into shape!

OP posts:
mickybarrysmum · 03/05/2023 22:01

All of the chores you've described (apart from packing for the cat) are chores to do with your children.
Are you annoyed your boyfriend went and met a mate instead of making your kids packed lunches?

I do realise when you live together there are some chores that get shared but you're being unreasonable and you're gonna my to ruin your break.

hockerydockerydick · 03/05/2023 22:00

But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover

all of that would take an hour AT THE MOST. YABU and a martyr