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Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 04/05/2023 06:59

You're making a massive drama about nothing! Packing for 1 overnight takes no time at all - I don't understand why you couldn't have packed for you & your child & just let him sort himself out if he was being a dick about it?

As for storming out & expecting him to put YOUR child to bed - especially after he's been drinking - how is that helping the situation? Ridiculous.

Toocooltoboogie · 04/05/2023 06:51

It takes me hours and hours to pack lol. Its a massive ordeal in our house - well to me anyway and hangs over my head as the time gets nearer. Interesting I am currently being assessed for Adhd. I hadn't made the link before but it now makes sense.

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 06:40

Honestly this is even weirder because you don’t live together, no idea why you’re expecting him to do your kids bags or packed lunches anyway!
You do their school stuff every day anyway and presumably a bag when they stay with their father? Literally all that’s additional is packing one day of your own stuff.
BF packs one day of his own stuff from his own home.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/05/2023 06:34

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2023 05:54

He’s not really on your team here; why did it take him all day to go to his mums and back? He could have come home earlier to help you sort stuff out. Anyway hope you have a nice night away

Well he doesn’t live there and op was working during the day so why would/should he be there. Doesn’t sound like anything needed sorting before swimming lessons anyway.

MichelleScarn · 04/05/2023 06:15

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 04/05/2023 00:34

Is it “his share” to pack for her kids and her cat? And to sort the jobs in her home before they go?

jm not sure. Since they don’t live together and these aren’t his kids, I don’t think I feel it is his responsibility to pack for them.

Show quote history

Absolutely!! Any other thread with a woman who didn't live with her partner with a sniff of expectation she do 'wife work' for his dc there'd be howls of ltb. But here, the op strops off leaving him to put her dc to bed and he's STILL in the wrong!

Lostthefairytale · 04/05/2023 06:15

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:16

@Erex you have hit the nail on the head and thank you for understanding.

I do realise I need to apologise. I need to start the process for a diagnosis as I think I'll then learn to deal with these feelings and outbursts! DP thinks I'm just trying to label myself and that everyone feels/thinks/reacts hoe I do, but I know my brain is different.

Again, thank you, I really appreciate it.

Why does getting a diagnosis need to be the point at which you start learning to deal with it? To an extent a diagnosis doesn't matter, you know your brain and your reactions so you can start learning now. There is so much information out there to support and it sounds like you have ideas what will help you to manage better. You don't need a diagnosis to give you permission to learn to put plans and structure in place which help you to function better. You acknowledge that it is an issue that impacts on you and others but diagnosis can be complex and take time, you don't have to wait. Good luck and I hope that you have a good night away.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2023 05:54

He’s not really on your team here; why did it take him all day to go to his mums and back? He could have come home earlier to help you sort stuff out. Anyway hope you have a nice night away

user1492757084 · 04/05/2023 04:36

For one night you should be able to pack in ten minutes.

bathroom needs and medications
sun hats, coats, any extra footwear if you need.
bathers, towells, sunscreen if need
underwear and pyjamas
change of clothes
maps or tickets or gift or anything to do specifically with the journey.
extra childrens needs ie portacot, nappies, babyfood.
phone, keys, money

Making the list a few days in advance and ensuring that the clothes you wish to pack are dry makes the packing easier.

MammaTo · 04/05/2023 04:05

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. He’s dossed around going to his mums and for a drink and expected you to ferry him about. He could of packed a bag whilst you tended to kids and done all the other household tasks, slept well and had a nice day tomorrow. I completely get it.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:24

Ugh, PP not OP. Apparently I can't type tonight and my brain is too tired so I'm logging off. 🤣

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:23

Sorry, my reply was to an OP who was saying they aren't his kids so he shouldn't have to pack for them. But there were several posters saying that.

It doesn't really matter what these posters think this guy should be doing or not. The fact of the matter is that he said he would and then didn't. He doesn't get to go back on his word just because he's not the kid's dad. He's in a relationship with her and knows she has kids and proposed they do all of this together. I feel like some of these posters have really low standards for men/partners.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:19

Then he shouldn't have told her he would help her do it and that they would do it together the day before.

Why do you cut men so much slack? Should they not be held to the standard of keeping their own word just because it's not their kid, even though they're willingly in a relationship with someone who has kids and willingly offered/suggested doing this task together as they knew it was overwhelming for their partner?

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:14

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:45

That's understandable, still cannot believe your partner behaviours, you sure it's not an affair ?

Show quote history

That's what I was thinking but I didn't want to say it so I'm glad you did first. Ha.

OP his whereabouts and excuses seem suspicious. I don't know that he's being entirely truthful about being at his mother's house most of that time.

If my husband had all these lame ass excuses for where he was when he had promised to pack with me before a trip then I would be just as mad if not angrier than you are. That's why I said he doesn't seem to respect you. Or else he would respect the fact that he told you he would help and he would have come home instead of doing the opposite. It's like he just totally blew you off without regard for your feelings. I would be livid.

Hairday · 04/05/2023 03:11

I hope your night away goes well!

Hairday · 04/05/2023 03:11

I would find all that stressful too, OP. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. Its awful when people say one thing and then do another and so you don't know what's happening. It's as if you're at a completely different life stage to your partner.

Why is this ADHD? You have a million responsilities, and you're stressed. Don't listen to the naysayers on here. They probably have one child and a cleaner.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:06

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

Totally agree I didn't handle it the best by storming out. But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover. Plus there's other little bits that just need to be done so they're not there when I get back.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

It's just the fact that it doesn't matter when it's all left to me, but it can't possibly be left for him. Totally get I haven't been an angel but there was no need for him to be out for hours on end knowing we had stuff to do.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

Since he said to leave it until the day before and that you'd both do it together, he reneged on the arrangement he himself proposed and you are NOT being unreasonable for being upset about that. It doesn't sound to me like he respects you. You deserve a partner who does.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/05/2023 03:02

Packing for your kids and sorting out your cat is your responsibility, especially when you don't even live together.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:01

Thank you for saying this. Both my husband and I have ADHD and it takes us forever to pack anything, even if it's just for one night or even a day trip. And we have four kids. So packing takes us a whole day often.

We usually do it together but sometimes if he's changing the oil on the car or buying snacks or diapers etc - out and about doing other things to prepare for our trip, or working or taking care of the kids, I do mine and most of the kids and I try to put together his things as far as I can guess what he'd like to take. Then when he gets home he packs the rest and packs up the car.

It's a big ordeal for us even to go to the lake or just an amusement park or the pool. It takes forever and is very stressful. ADHD makes everything harder even with medication, meditation, exercise, good diet and fresh air, etc. I do all of that (I walk to my gym every day and take an hour long weightlifting or Zumba class as well as walls, jogs, bike rides etc) and my brain is still not wired right when it comes to organization and preparations and everything like that is so difficult.

So, if my husband went and had fun drinking carelessly and left me to do all of that work myself I would be livid. He would not be my husband for much longer if he tried to pull that again so he'd be on very thin ice.

He would never do that to me though. He is a loving supportive partner who understands my struggles (probably because he has similar ones) and does what he can to support and help me. As I do the same for him. We are a team and we each take care of things for our family and trips and excursions/activities, even though or perhaps because we both have difficulty when it comes to that sort of thing.

We are in it together and share responsibility equally and if he did to me, well, I wouldn't even recognize that man. It's just not like him at all. Not sure if OP's husband is usually like this or if it was a one off. I would probably be mad the first time and have a chat about it and let him know but if he kept doing it, well, that isn't a relationship I'd want to be in.

Attractedtotheofflimits · 04/05/2023 02:43

He left at 10am to collect a few things from his DM's. And Said he be back by 5pm. Why did this take him the whole day?

EllandRd · 04/05/2023 02:19

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

Totally agree I didn't handle it the best by storming out. But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover. Plus there's other little bits that just need to be done so they're not there when I get back.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

It's just the fact that it doesn't matter when it's all left to me, but it can't possibly be left for him. Totally get I haven't been an angel but there was no need for him to be out for hours on end knowing we had stuff to do.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

They are your children OP, stop being so bloody dramatic. You sound very unreasonable and controlling. Pull yourself together.

EllandRd · 04/05/2023 02:13

Wow overreacting much? It's one night, what is so stressful and hard about that?

LadyJ2023 · 04/05/2023 01:39

All that drama for one night lol...wow we have 4 kids and between us can pack for all for 2 weeks in an hour and no drama..Cant wait till first holiday this year on Friday same as always hubby and I set alarms for 6.30 enjoy a coffee then pack everything up and into car then kids get up about 8ish give or take have a chilled brekkie then off we go..same routine everytime 😀

justanothermagicmonday · 04/05/2023 01:37

Completely get the ADHD and struggle to pack, and he was definitely an arse… but no matter how stressed you are you can’t leave your BF who doesn’t live with you to put your kids to bed! How long have you been together?

That aside his packing and sorting probably only took 10 minutes because he shouldn’t be sorting your kids, your cat, your chores… stressful I know but unfortunately that all falls to you. He should’ve absolutely stuck to his word about when he would be back though. Have a good night away x

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 04/05/2023 01:26

For people posting - it's not his house (they live separately), not his cat, and not his children!! Just to add some perspective. The OPS (self diagnosed) ADHD must be very hard to live with for her, but also not his fault. Give the man a break

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2023 01:12

Withnailandeye · 03/05/2023 20:52

You are going for one night, what could possibly be that stressful about packing for a night? YABU but your DH also sounds like a bit of a dosser.

This. It would take me all of ten minutes to pack for one night away.