DPs eating habits

@Safarigiraffe having an eating disorder is not selfish. Sufferers do not 'need to feel' shame and guilt and fear. What an awful point of view.

They need LOVE and kindness and forgiveness and respect in order to build these back up within themselves.

Your suggestion is like telling someone suicidal that they 'need' to feel the urge to die...

I see you're also a psychiatrist. I'll open up here and tell you what has helped me so far from my therapist dealing with my bulimia:

1. processing childhood trauma around food and eating and weight and bodies. Talking through it, crying, reframing the parental voice that causes shame around food and fatness.

2. getting new lilypads - I would binge when alone with no plans. When DP was out and my friends were busy. It felt like a fun 'event' to fill the time. I had to create new survival 'Lilypads' to have things to do to enjoy outside of food. For me, these included some fun exercise classes, books and long walks, buying expensive high quality smaller amounts of food to enjoy rather than large amounts of bulk crap for the same cost.

3. learning that you don't have to finish the plate. Finding my full point where I was satisfied but didn't feel so full I wanted to purge. For me, I hated not being able to eat all the food. So now, I eat until my happy full point then put the food in the fridge. I can always have it later.

4. this is the one I still struggle with. Letting go. I had to accept that in recovery I might gain weight. This is hard. I hate this. It scares me and it did happen. My therapist said that I could put a time limit on it to make it feel more controlled. So for 6 weeks I focused on not purging. That's it. Eat what I want. Gain weight if I do. Don't throw up. Accept it. Then after I've kicked the habit try small changes to lose weight that don't trigger purging.

5. discovering what drives the issue. What is his emotional hunger for?

It's incredibly difficult. I'm still not fully there. I've been seeing the therapist since December though and have gone from purging multiple times a day to maybe once a week.

It's a process. He has to want it. He has to learn to love himself.

I have a directly opposing view to this. Your dh knows op. He knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t need to be told. Just continue to show him unconditional love and boost his self esteem and then he will be in a better place to tackle the issue when and if he decides to do so.

You are also in a position op where you are entitled to respond to his behaviour freely and put your own boundaries in place. But they will be about what you are willing to accept based on your past and current experience with him, and totally separate to his decisions.

He is actively destroying his health - that has a huge impact on you and your future. It's completely and utterly reasonable for you to be concerned about this. If he has a heart attack/ stroke, or ends up in a wheelchair because he can't move or gets diabetes, where does that leave you?

It's selfish for him to do this to his body when he is in a committed relationship with someone who relies on him. I know he may have an eating disorder, and that is an illness and something he needs help with - but it is in his control to recognise it and make efforts to do something about it. He is not even acknowledging it at the moment, which would make me extremely cross.

You've tried skirting around it with him and being gentle. I think now you need to be more direct. It's sad that he feels shame, but at this point, there's nothing you can do about that. It's not your job to protect him from his own feelings of guilt/ shame. Maybe he needs to feel them. You need to protect yourself and the future of your relationship.

I think you should have a very direct conversation with him about the impact that this is having on your life and stop worrying so much about protecting him from his feelings. Prioritise your own life and your own feelings - they're just as important.

If he won't go to therapy there's nothing you can do.

The change for an ED HAS to come from within. Otherwise he'll just try and hide it better. Even with a sufferer wanting 100% to stop it's very very hard.

And yes. Partners mentioning food in any way can feel like shame.

I'd snap at my DP because he'd ask what I was eating when he saw me chewing. In my head he was commenting on me eating once again and pointing it out and making it a thing that I ate So Much to him.

He was just naturally curious about what I was eating and if maybe he wanted the same. But to a sick mind it felt embarrassing and humiliating.

I'd suggest that you ask him to see a therapist about it. But I wouldn't otherwise comment on any food at all's

He needs to seek a therapist. He needs to tackle whatever emotions are making him binge.

It's very hard though. A long expensive road with godlike willpower. I know from experience.

Bulimia isn't a 'concept'. It's an eating disorder and serious mental health condition. People don't 'feel' that other have this condition. It's diagnosed by qualified healthcare professionals. You can clearly read so try educating yourself.

It’s not wrong of you to seek support.

In the same way partners of addicts or people with long term depression also need specialist support, you are impacted by this and you are entitled to reach out for help in ways that don’t hinder or shame him.

You sound like a very loving and considerate partner

I'm not sure if this is your view. But from your posts it sounds like you're more bothered about the impact of being fat on his physical health. Rather than the much more immediate issue of his binge eating disorder. Which sounds very active and part of a pattern of behaviour long term.

For some people with eating disorders being at a normal bmi and the work needed to lose or gain weight is too triggering and way more damaging than being a high or low bmi. So it might just be that he try to treat and manage the eating disorder.

It's not uncommon for people with a history of bulimia to recover partially in that they are able to stop purging, but the urge to binge is still present. Food isn't like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc, you can't just quit cold turkey, the temptation is always there. It's almost easier to recover from anorexia in this way, as the addiction is the food, not the lack of food.

And yes, it's also common for people recovering from ED to gain weight. Comes from having screwed up your metabolism, it can take an extraordinarily long time to resolve, & then of course losing the excess weight is triggering.

Bless you, you sound so lovely. I was probably a bit hasty in posting to end the relationship, I think I meant if they refuse to get help / get it sorted. Eating disorders follow a similar pattern and behaviour structure to addictions and that was where my logic was.

Ignore the idiot too. Doesn't believe in bulimia what an idiot.

Hope it gets sorted.

Oh, I thought he had gone. Just NC slightly then

Not just the last few hours 😂 He's always like that.

The fortunately the BMJ is run by qualified medical professionals and not opinionated arseholes from the internet.

Op if you tackle this too head on you will make him hide it from you. He needs professional help wether he wants to admit it or not.

Food disorders are usually about control on the base line for forcing him into anything will make the problem worse.

Ignore this. Kenyan has been a goady fucker all over the place in the last few hours!

How can you not believe in something you clearly don't understand?

Why not? It's well documented and has been a thing forever if not actually recognised (a school friend suffered from it and that was 30 years ago).

You don't believe in bulimia?? WTF?

He doesn't have 'eating habits' as per your OP he has an eating disorder which is a mental illness so I'd start moving towards suggesting therapy / counselling