To really not understand school mum behaviour?

3. People are so moody/strange - one day they will say hi, the next they will walk past you like they don't even know you.

I do this sometimes, usually because I’m distracted with my own thoughts or trying to keep ahold of my youngest who likes to run to school and manoeuvre him on a narrow pavement. I know some other parents I greet do the same so don’t take it personally

I’m friendly if talked to or will have a bit of chit chat while walking out once I’m kid-free but I’m not the type who is going to stand in the middle of gates and pavements having a chat and after school, I usually have to race home to make sure I’m there when the taxi comes who drops off my oldest from school. It’s only just last week that I don’t have to anymore because there’s an extra child now and my son is dropped off second instead of first!

I really just want to drop my child off at school and get on with the rest of my day. I don’t have to urge to stand around, but am happy to plan a meet up with someone sometime before school lets out.

Used to be quite friendly with some but as the kids get older they all formed a football clique and so did the mums
Mine hate sport so we're not good enough to socialise with now.
I go as late as I can to avoid all the nonsense. One mum invited both mine to her child party. All friendly while there now blanks me.
My husband does thr pick up and mum's will literally just ignore him ( or rush away so they don't need to speak to him). It's all very odd. I don't expect anything now. All too weird, too fuckong weird for me. Either speak to me or don't but don't be weird

This sounds exactly how I am!

Yep. There’s a few parents I ‘know’ from nursery but if I saw them in the supermarket I would probably just smile or say hi rather than stop to chat. Not because I don’t want to chat but I’d probably be nervous of ‘overstepping’ as an acquaintance. A couple of them are dads and I wouldn’t want to stop and chat if their wives were there in case they wondered who I was and how I know that they’re having an extension built (or whatever polite chat we make in the nursery queue). Just things like that, it’s not because I’m ‘ignoring’ people.

Like I said most people are socially awkward, even those who seem confident and outgoing.

OP - True, I agree.
I bought a school uniform from one of the mums in Y3, she advertised on school FB page, I responded, we knew each other from the gates but we never talked as she always had her friends around her.
Anyway I bought this school jacket from her and I went to pick it up to her house, we were like the best friend!
We chatted and laughed for a good hour at her front doors!
3 days later I met her walking in my local park and she completely blanked me and ignored my hello, I am still shocked by this 3 years later and I still don’t understand..

I am not sure any of the things listed would really bother me. There are hundreds of people in the same place for 10-15 minutes, all with the aim of getting kids to class/nursery/childminder and then home/work etc.

If I catch someone's eye and I recognise them and I'm not being yanked in the opposite direction by a 5 year old or dodging a football or manoeuvring a pram or balancing a gym bag and a toddler or whatever then yeah I might smile. Otherwise, I might miss them completely, or see them but not manage to smile or say hi quite in time. Then there are ten other parents also in eye line that you sort of know but only as 'Marks mum' or Either Jack or Ellie's gran, can't remember as they both have a navy coat'

WhatsApp is a different ballgame, much easier to be chatty and friendly on there without having the faintest idea what they look like.

I don't really feel like any of it is drama or cliqueyness. It's just the nature of the school run!

Definitely not just you. There were a lot of cliques at my kids primary school (just a bog standard state) but there was no way you were ever going to infiltrate them even for just a friendly hello. There were a couple of very nice mums (one is still a good friend) but I was never part of a clique (thankfully). I was glad to see the back of it and once they were at seniors I didn’t have to bother with any playground stuff.

I think it's something about being back in a playground.

I never see any posts about ‘bitchy, cliquey school gate dads’

Yes exactly this. But for some reason some people seem to have this strange sense of entitlement with school friendships, like the school pickup should be a guaranteed social life and then get anxious or get the hump when not everyone wants them to be their best friend. I think it’s quite childish tbh and like people are acting out some weird unfinished business from their own school days.

“School mums” aren’t some special species, they are just people with their own individual needs, hangups, problems and friendships. Other than basic respect and courtesy they don’t owe you anything purely on the basis that their kids are at school with yours.

I think what people don’t realise is that most people are socially awkward to a degree. School mum friendships are odd because they’re sort of transient and coincidental, not the same as real friends or even co-workers who you spend hours with every day. You only see school mums at drop off and pick up, so you see them ‘regularly’ enough to ‘know’ them but not for long enough to build up a proper rapport. It’s all a bit awkward really.

Yes I find number 2 so true - I'll sometimes sit by parents at a party on the weekend chatting for two hours, then see them the next day and they don't even acknowledge me. It's all very strange! Thankfully there are no school Whatsapp groups for my children, I can't imagine being on one.

I'm autistic and at pickup I feel like a mud monster who's dragged herself out of a swamp and is standing dripping on the tarmac, only able to produce some kind of gutteral gurgle.
I have maybe 2 people I can talk to, and one I actively avoid.

That's a sensible and insightful post. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as it helps me (autistic) to understand why other people behave the way they do.

Oh God here we go again. Every week there's a post on here about "bitchy, cliquey school mums".

I honestly find your perspective (and those of the other people who post similar) utterly bizarre and quite self-centred.

School mums are just like any other human beings. They are busy, stressed, juggling lots of things. They may find being "always on" exhausting. Sometimes they can manage a smile or a chat, sometimes they can't. Sometimes they are running to catch a train or feeling depressed. Sometimes they are very introverted and find social interaction extremely difficult and draining. They are allowed to not be on peak performance all the time. They are human and it's not personal.

I actually find it more bizarre that people seem to have this sense of entitlement to consistently friendly behaviour from other school mums simply by virtue of the fact that your kids are at school together. Why do you expect everyone to have to include you in absolutely everything? No one should be actively rude to another parent but you're not automatically entitled to be best friends with everyone who has kids in the same class as you.

I think its very significant that these posts are rarely addressed at work colleagues or other commuters. They are specifically addressed at "school mums". Because other mums are expected to be all inclusive people pleasers all the time because they are women.

School mums are just people and we can't be expected to deal with all your social wish fulfilment or manage your anxieties for you. That's on you.

Some people just have no social skills.

I have come across some seriously odd/rude people through school. I have also come across seriously odd/rude people through my volunteering, at work, in the supermarket, in local community Facebook groups etc etc etc.

Thing is, most people are not told that joining the local running club will mean you have an immediate pool of new besties, yet people think that as soon as their child starts school, every other parent in the class will instantly become a bosom buddy.

I’ve given up on it now - keep to myself. One or two power players with secret cliques, I haven’t the energy anymore. I know that for one of them - I’m just not rich enough and bring nothing to the table (she’s super into rich people and what you can do for her in terms of connections).

Moving out of London in august - excited to meet a new bunch of people. (Moving not because of this - more of a kids got into a different school)

Yes this is exactly how I found it. Thinking you’d connected with someone a little bit then they blank you. I once smiled and said hi to a group of mums that had formed that lived down my road and saw us leave the house every morning. Cold stares from all 3 of them! It was creepy.

One mum literally waiting for me at the end of the road for a chat if she had childcare needs she wanted me to fulfill but blanking me on days she didn’t.

I eventually couldn’t be arsed and just went in with earphones in, listening to something interesting while I waited.

I really couldnt care less about the school gate mums. My kids are now at high school thank goodness. I have kept in touch with two school gate mums because I genuinely liked them. I was always perfectly friendly with the others but under no illusion that we were ever friends. In many cases the only thing we had in common was that we all had sex at round about the same time which resulted in a pregnancy, let’s face it. Some have tried to befriend me on social media since my youngest left primary and I’ve declined. Whatever little we did have in common has now passed.

School gate relationships are five minutes at the start and end of the day why some people are so invested in the politics I have no idea. Spend time with your real friends and don’t give it a moments thought. You’ll feel so much better.

I think a lot is the luck of the draw. I rarely did the school run with either dc, but used to see parents at parties. Most people round here had grown up with each other or knew each other. I came from over the hill, so was a stranger.

Dc1 parents were all pretty friendly and chatty and I made some good friends.

Dc2's class was fucking nuts. Parents were a mixed bag. Definitely no cliques, because parents barely spoke. I'm friends with some on fb, mainly for ease of organising stuff. There are a couple who are mice in real life, but lions on fb; lots of "who do they think there are.... I'm going to....."posts and posts about snakes etc.

Yes I think as @HauntedPencil says, you’re just throwing together tens of parents who have nothing in common other than they have children the same age and live vaguely in the same area.

Some will find others they have a natural affinity to and become friends. Some people will be rude people. Some will be socially awkward. Some will be perfectly pleasant but busy people who don’t want to chat at length to people who they aren’t going to make friends with.

I don’t find it that different to work settings I’ve been in. I’ve made work friends, true friendships that have lasted beyond work and also met plenty of people I have nothing in common with but will be perfectly pleasant to … and a few whose presence I hate to be in.

The only added complication with school groups is that you have your child to think of too - so either you have to force yourself to spend time with a family you don’t like, to foster a natural friendship between the children, or you try and engineer friendships with your child and the children of parents you get on with. A lot of us do a bit of both.

People are so moody/strange - one day they will say hi, the next they will walk past you like they don't even know you.

I am guilty of this but I don't do it on purpose - there are a hundred parents and two hundred children milling about and we are usually running late, and I just don't take in most of the faces. If you address me by name with a hearty "Hi TheYearOfSmallThings" I will always be happy to see you, but otherwise I probably won't pick you out of the crowd unless you are in your usual place in the line.

Totally agree …absolutely bloody hated it !! Drop off and run would be my advice .

I'm not in the class WhatsApp group, problem solved

I've never really done the school run. My kids take the bus to school and I work - as do lots of other parents.

So if this drama exists in our school I'm oblivious to it.

Does it really matter? You said you aren't looking for playground friends anyway?