Micro-managing In-Laws

But also things will get easier. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you will get more sleep and rest sometime soon.

The key thing is that DH shuts down baby rearing discussions at work because a) it’s not ok to all gang up against your parenting, isolating you and b) their knowledge will be outdated, so utterly irrelevant to your situation.

The onus is 100% on your DH, he must refuse to engage with his parents horrid behaviour and should not pass their horrid comments on to you. it might help him to read your posts and the responses here.

I also think you should chat to your brother and friends. Even if you don’t tell them about the IL situation, please reach out and let them know you’re struggling and feeling overwhelmed. They will be able to relate and will want to be there for you.

My MIL also bought me a perfect prep machine as a gift when I was pregnant and asked every day when I was going to stop breastfeeding, and why did i want to breastfeed, she thought there was something wrong with it - she also didn't think DH should have to watch women breastfeeding - all very odd.
I could only BF for 4 months then switched to formula and the prep machine was great.
I would rely on your mums help. And tell your inlaws it's so kind that they're willing to help but the help you need right now is x, y, z - could be bringing some home cooked meals round, a food shop, cleaning, washing/ironing, bringing you coffee and cake from the bakery etc. First few months are tough. My DS had reflux/colic & feeding was very up & down, it was exhausting but hang in there, things will get a little easier, you're doing brilliantly! If you have budget get a cleaner temporarily to lighten the load or some sort of meal delivery service.
Parenting is so subjective, everyone has different ways of doing things but your inlaws need to know when to step in and when to step out.

I don't understand the exclusion thing either.

I had one bf for 3 months and bottle milk and one for 3 years.

Dh never felt included or excluded on feeding that's bizzare. Most of time it was his arms they were held in all the time.

How helpful of them to offer this... Why not keep breastfeeding because that's amazing for baby and to help out fhey do the cleaning instead??

*DP needs to stop listening to PILs opinions

Back off from them.

people always have an opinion and think they know best. Parent how you feel fit.

You sound like a great mum. Tiredness is normal in the early months.

carry on as you are and just block them out. DP needs to stop their opinions. He needs to tell his dad to back off

See them less

Tell them less..
Simple.

This too.

100% this.

The problem isn’t bf, it’s your dp. Your pil would be far better ‘micromanaging’ their bone-idle son to pull his fucking weight.

Personally, I would either say something to them about how you're feeling, or have a huge sob (which I would easily have been able to do when exhausted) and totally over-emphasise to your partner how utterly shit this is making you feel.

He needs to stick up for you, especially as the comments are coming via him.

I'd also ask him to stop telling you about their ridiculous comments and "opinions".

Your partner needs to put his foot down, very firmly.

“Dad, please stop discussing my home life at work, you and Mum don’t have to like or understand the way we are parenting but
you do have to respect it. I hope this will be the end of the matter.”

Haven't read all the comments but just wanted to say how hard I'd find it if I were in your position. Sounds really tough.
Our baby had a tongue tie and would have painful trapped wind and scream at times and apparently some of my husband's work colleagues suggested formula (when we hadn't identified the problem yet) and that was enough to put my hackles up. So can't imagine how cross I'd be getting it from the in-laws all the time.

I've realised part of being a parent is advocating for my baby which involves being more assertive than I'd naturally be.

There is a thing called the broken record technique where you keep repeating the same response. It makes people give up more quickly and realise you're steadfast and won't change your mind.
Eg "thanks for offering but we've actually decided not to introduce formula at this stage."
And then if they continue, "yes, I see what you mean but we've decided not to introduce formula at this stage."

Just realised this might be irrelevant because a lot of this is coming via your partner but still, thought I'd mention it.

Sorry, meant to add that the best way I found to counteract these sorts of "suggestions" was to say that I'd checked this with my health visitor who strongly advised me not to do it. (I mean stuff like rusks in bottles etc.) They didn't feel they could then say "well I still think you should do it" apart from one aunty. I just said that I was sure they wouldn't want me to go against the advice of my health visitor.

Your in laws sound like morons with zero self awareness - it's totally not their place to suggest formula and they don't get a say in what your DS wears day to day. At 3 months a baby grow is the best option 💯 . You have bigger fish to fry than giving two shits about what your baby is wearing. I think the PP machine is outrageous (also yuk) - put it on marketplace. I mean baby rice and rusks ffs it's not the 1980's. Your DH really needs to get some boundaries in place with them and stick to it. It's really not on you to train them how to behave in an acceptable, non-toxic way.
Your baby is perfectly fine being ebf! You're doing great and don't let anyone undermine you.
I think lean into your mum's support, or could go spend a few days there in her home.
DH needs to figure out how to support you more, what can he do before he goes to sleep, also get ear plugs. You're both doing night shifts essentially and whatever he does, I guarantee your job is harder!
Sleeping does seem to get a bit better at about 6 months, that all sounds very normal. Can your DH do nights at weekend with pumped milk so you can sleep?
Or your mum help with pumped milk?
Good luck OP, defo keep a wide birth from those in laws.

Yes I was just thinking this myself and wondering how old the OP's parents and parents-in-law are.

I had my babies in the 80s and breastfeeding was encouraged and I breastfed both mine until about 18 months and had friends who breastfed for longer. We came from all different backgrounds. All this put a rusk in the bottle business is the sort of thing my parents' generation might have said who had their children in the 50s. In fact I think my mum said her mother used to say this when she was trying to feed me.

OP there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with your baby wearing babygrows! My mum used to say that what they need most before 6-8 months, in terms of clothes, is comfort! 'Proper clothes' are not comfortable. Besides, at 3 months old they do more sleeping than being awake anyway! Perhaps just pop a cardigans on her when you go out and save your prettiest babygrows for trips out.
Your in laws sound awful and I would make sure they're always supervised around her

Your in laws had their parenting days, and now this is your time. You are doing nothing wrong, and they need to wind it in!

Your husband needs to get ear plugs and have white noise set up in his bedroom. You can’t keep the baby silent and he will have to get used to it.
If you want to keep breastfeeding, then do it! And if baby falls asleep in your arms that’s fine. Try and dose while baby is sleeping even for half an hour.

Dont worry about the prep machine, you told relatives you didn’t want one and they bought it anyway. Their choice. And babygros are very practical and don’t need ironing….

Next time they say anything about rice and rusks just laugh and say oh yes I heard mums were told to do that in days gone by. And if they keep on say very calmly that you will follow the latest evidence based guidelines on feeding babies issued by professional care workers. Just as she did in her time.

Once baby gets to a year or so you will find it easier to deal with them…

I had a baby that never slept due to illness. He cried for 20 hours out of every 24 for the 1st 6 months.

In my case it was my MIL who was helpful but in your case it's your mum. One night a week, she used to stay downstairs with the baby so I could get a full night's sleep. Then at the weekend, DH would do a night. That way, I could survive on just cat naps the rest of the time. Would this be an option?

They do get better though eventually.

As for the in laws, don't accept help that comes with strings attached and always stand your ground on anything that matters to you.

Go and stay with your mum for a few days and get looked after.

Re his dad saying this at work - I didn't realise Lorry drivers had so much interest in breastfeeding conversations!!! That's just bloody weird. He needs to kick his parents into touch and set some boundaries.

I'm sorry you are pissed off.
Op was likely born in the late 80s/early 90s.
UK breastfeeding initiation rates:
1990-1993 55%
2005 76%
2010 81%.
Stats for breastfeeding retention at 6m is similar trend but far lower.
It absolutely is generational and I'm sorry if this makes you angry.

Because they don’t give a shit about OP, they just want to cuddle the baby.

I'd be sending DH to his parents to sleep so you can go about your day normally - without the added stress of keeping a baby quiet. She's a baby, sometimes always in DS2s case they're not quiet and you shouldn't need to worry about her making noise.

If you're home alone with baby you can just go about your day - snooze when she does etc.

It'll also mean you're not needing to insert yourself in the in laws house to face more criticism.

Can he cut down his number of nights at all? 5/6 weekly is a lot!

DH needs to be more on board too. He's a parent now and he needs to be a parent now. Stepping up with baby, stepping up with his parents and supporting you there. His job can't be an excuse - lots of parents have jobs and still have to parent.

If the parents in law really care they you are exhausted and need a real why don't they cook a few meals or do your ironing ?