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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH right?

61 replies

threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:05

Hi all. I've recently gone back to work after taking a long break of 8 years. In that time we moved abroad for my husbands job and I had 2 children. Was tough for me to work abroad for various reasons.

Anyway we are back now and I've started a new role in the legal world . The last month has been horrendous- crazy long hours, working weekends etc. it's been insane. Im also suffering from imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and generally feel a bit under water.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare. And my husband is hands on with the kids (but also does v long hours and from the office - I wfh).

I'm still managing the mental load though 'what's in the fridge, meal planning, what do the DC need for school etc'.

A few times when I've been fed up with work and in all honesty just wanting some sympathy and praise for going back into the corporate world after 8 years I've moaned to DH. His response is always something along the lines of 'yeah welcome to my world' or 'yeah I also did a 15 hour day'. AIBU to feel hurt by this response?

Thank you all.

OP posts:
HowManySunflowers · 28/04/2023 21:46

Maybe he was a tiny bit resentful / jealous of your time as a SAHM? So that now you're back at work and finding it challenging he's making a point "well I've been having to do this all along"? Not saying he's right (as being a SAHM to small children is also hard!) but maybe that's where this is coming from.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:45

I feel like if he meant it he would say it when I originally have said how I'm doing crazy long hours and I'm knackered and fed up. That's when I needed to hear it

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:44

Yes v true!

I will speak to him tomorrow but I already know what he will say. Something along the lines of his he's sorry and he is proud of me for going back into the corporate world etc etc. I just don't know if he will mean it

OP posts:
Daffodil92 · 28/04/2023 21:41

@threefiftysix if he does the fun parenting and you’re left with the crap stuff, that’s not really even, is it? May take up equal amounts of time but it’s definitely not equal!
Its tough when one person never unloads, as they find it difficult to relate to people who need it as a way to de stress.
Have you spoken to him about it? Not when you actually need to have a vent, but explaining to him how things get on top of you and you feel like it would help to talk to him?

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:37

Yes in fairness we do have an even load. The difference is his load is work and doing fun stuff with the kids.

My load is work and then doing all the crap stuff with the kids, getting them to do hw, eat, moan at them in the morning to get dressed etc.

In fairness he doesn't ever unload on me. It's just not in his nature although I would be happy to listen.

I appreciate I'm probably being a bit precious here. I'm just struggling a bit with the return to work. Also I just mentioned that he needs to do hw with DS in the morning for upcoming exams and he said 'oh should I do that'. That really annoyed me. I mean yes you should! Why should I do it!! As I wfh I have to constantly make sure weekday hw is being done.

So although I say he is hands on with the kids maybe I should have said he spends a lot of time playing with the kids and taking them out. Over Easter I had to work and so he took them both on holiday! I'm v grateful for this but feels like I'm left with the crap tasks

OP posts:
Ivanovaa · 28/04/2023 21:36

Working 15hours a day is definitely harder when you’ve been unemployed for 8 years and still completely new to the position. It’s sad he turns it into a “who suffers the most” competition instead of just giving you a pep talk and a hug. It will get better when you are more settled at your job. And do tell him how you feel and what kind of support you would like from him.

Ivanovaa · 28/04/2023 21:33

YANBU. Mental load is something many men will never even grasp. Especially not if they have been with a stay at home partner. I’m joining the work force on Monday (also after an 8 year break) and I’m an anxious mess so I can relate to your feelings.

And your husband should be more supportive! You’ve sacrificed a lot to help him with his career (stayed home to raise kids and run a household, moved abroad, all at the cost of your own career).

Daffodil92 · 28/04/2023 21:29

So reading your OP, you and your husband have a pretty even load; is that correct?
Does he ever off load on you? What’s your response if he does?
just trying to build up a better picture before I have an opinion.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 28/04/2023 21:26

Treesoutsidemywindow · 28/04/2023 21:08

So tell him what you NEED, don't expect him to know, after all he IS a man!!

This one OP!

Mumma · 28/04/2023 21:17

🙄

Treesoutsidemywindow · 28/04/2023 21:08

So tell him what you NEED, don't expect him to know, after all he IS a man!!