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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH right?

61 replies

threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:05

Hi all. I've recently gone back to work after taking a long break of 8 years. In that time we moved abroad for my husbands job and I had 2 children. Was tough for me to work abroad for various reasons.

Anyway we are back now and I've started a new role in the legal world . The last month has been horrendous- crazy long hours, working weekends etc. it's been insane. Im also suffering from imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and generally feel a bit under water.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare. And my husband is hands on with the kids (but also does v long hours and from the office - I wfh).

I'm still managing the mental load though 'what's in the fridge, meal planning, what do the DC need for school etc'.

A few times when I've been fed up with work and in all honesty just wanting some sympathy and praise for going back into the corporate world after 8 years I've moaned to DH. His response is always something along the lines of 'yeah welcome to my world' or 'yeah I also did a 15 hour day'. AIBU to feel hurt by this response?

Thank you all.

OP posts:
produ · 28/04/2023 22:54

@threefiftysix are there no after school clubs or childminders?

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:39

Anyway thank you for all your responses. Was just feeling a bit fed up as I'm still working on my laptop desperate to go to sleep!

Was good to rant and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening and to those you responded with great advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:38

@produ yes that would be great but I have no one to collect the kids from school

OP posts:
produ · 28/04/2023 22:37

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare.

Well I based my response on the above but if you don't actually have the above then that's different...

Could you go into the office some days? I find separation clears my mind somewhat.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:37

@MiddleParking also maybe I should be clear. A nanny/housekeeper in the country I lived in us far from what it is in the uk. She was great in caring and looking after children from a 'keeping them safe' perspective but didn't know how to discipline and her English wasn't great so couldn't do homework or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:34

@Inthesamesinkingboat yeah this is my thinking. Isn't it obvious that a bit of empathy would be nice. I get that he's done long hours in the past but he's never had to think about the kids and what they need for school etc or what their homework is.

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:32

Look I understand I'm very fortunate and if I didn't have that help there's no way I could be doing 15 hours of work a day which is what has been required of me for the last month including every weekend and public holiday

OP posts:
Inthesamesinkingboat · 28/04/2023 22:32

God the answers here are depressing. You’re knackered, tired of carrying the mental load and people’s answers are that you should tell him what you need. For fuck sake.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:31

@MiddleParking my cleaner doesn't do any grocery shopping. If I ask her to child some veg for me or make a lasagne for the kids she will

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 22:29

Just to clarify I don't have a cook! I have a lovely cleaner who helps with food prep. Also when I say I have childcare - my lovely mother helps out regularly but is nearly 80 so whilst she supervises the kids play or watch a bit of tv she doesn't do any of the big stuff with them. But I'm very thankful that if I need to take an urgent work call she can watch the toddler

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 22:27

I also don’t see why you’re worrying about what’s in the fridge if you don’t cook.

MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 22:27

If you’ve always had and still have that much domestic help I also wouldn’t be keen on listening to you moaning about going to work like he’s been doing the whole time. Have you been praising him for that all this time?

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 28/04/2023 22:24

jessnoah · 28/04/2023 22:21

'Yeah I also did a 15 hour day' - with a wife at home sorting all the household stuff! I'm sure it would be a lot easier on you right now if you had a stay at home husband currently. Ridiculous comparison

Errrr did you read the OP?

all the house hold stuff? She has a cook, a cleaner and childcare!!

jessnoah · 28/04/2023 22:21

'Yeah I also did a 15 hour day' - with a wife at home sorting all the household stuff! I'm sure it would be a lot easier on you right now if you had a stay at home husband currently. Ridiculous comparison

produ · 28/04/2023 22:21

Surely the mental load is somewhat reduced if you don't have to worry about cleaning, cooking or childcare? 😆

3luckystars · 28/04/2023 22:18

You are going to the goats house for wool.

He can’t be all things. Moan to your sister/friend/cousin about it.

well done though, high five and I hope your new jobs goes well. I know how hard it is to start a new job, while having a lot of family demands, but in a few months time you will be flying it and it will all be worth it.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 28/04/2023 22:14

If you’ve been a SAHP with a nanny and a housekeeper… and he would’ve liked to be a SAHD… well, yes I can see why he might feel a tiny bit resentful.

Equalitea · 28/04/2023 22:11

Just want to say that similarly I went back to work after many years. I suffered from imposter syndrome for years and although the load was fairly evenly split I still felt like it was tougher for me than DH. This is not a woe is me comment, it’s just that we have different personality types.

Don’t be to hard on your DH what he’s saying isn’t wrong, you’re only doing what he’s doing more or less but also kudos to you for getting back out there, it really is not easy. Communicate. You’ve got this!

Isthisexpected · 28/04/2023 22:00

What you're describing is someone who infuriatingly lives in a competition with you over who has it worse. Sounds like he's responding through the lens of his own experience rather than just thinking about you, what you're going through etc and trying to understand how to support you (ie just empathise a bit!).

KrisAkabusi · 28/04/2023 21:57

I think moaning about work is one thing, we all do it. Expecting praise for going to work is a bit much though.

Tilllly · 28/04/2023 21:57

You're wfh and he's going in?

WFH in a new job, is not that easy, he gets to have that mental break from home. Whereas you are still surrounded by it.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:50

@CurlewKate fair point. I think I need to discuss tomorrow

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Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:50

@HowManySunflowers that's an interesting pov. He would love to be a sahd. He's so good with the kids and would spend 24 hours with them if he could. I on the other hand can only do it with the help of wine 😂 also in the country we lived in we had a nanny and housekeeper so being a sahm was a good deal! Maybe he is resentful of that. Food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
threefiftysix · 28/04/2023 21:47

@Ivanovaa good luck! Sorry for my negative thread. There are lots of things I've loved about going back to work too.

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CurlewKate · 28/04/2023 21:46

Have you had conversations about how your new life is going to work? I hate to say this-but if you haven't then you can't expect him to know.