Nanny issues | Mumsnet

rainbowuni · 2023-04-28T17:38:44+00:00

I've had a nanny for a couple of months now. I've been finding her lack of proactiveness a bit disappointing, but I need some advice if it's my fault or if we are a bad fit. I work from home, which I know can be tricky for nannies. In general,I stay out of the way as much as possible. I only come in during lunch and have lunch with her and my baby and toddler. My toddler goes to nursery 4 days a week, so unless he's ill, he's usually just at home 1 day a week. There have been some days where I've been around more, because of my work situation too. Sometimes we go out together to the park or soft plays. The main thing that I'm struggling with is her lack of tidying up after herself / the children and their toys. I asked her please to tidy their toys ( or get them to tidy ) while the baby naps and also before she goes home and in general too, just to keep on top of it. At lunch time, she always just sits down and I serve her and the children and do all the tidying up- every time. She leaves her plates and cups out quite often, which I then also need to tidy away. I often find that she hasn't changed the babies nappy and I'm uncomfortable to tell her to do it, so when I notice it, I end up doing it myself and she never offers to do it. I've had nannies in the past, who were very on top of keeping the toys tidy and keeping my babies clean. I feel like she doesn't understand the basic concept of how you act in a helpful way whilst you're in someone's home / your place of work. I would never allow someone to continually clean up after me. I'm not expecting her to clean my mess, but she's responsible for the children's mess, while she is looking after them and I often feel it's lacking. I don't know if it's just a bad fit or if I can somehow talk to her to step it up as bit. Any advice welcome.

Original poster

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 13:57

@NotAnotherBathBomb thanks for your view.

I guess I'm comparing to the others who still managed to be helpful and polite and occasionally helped clear the table, rather than just sat on their phone whilst I did everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 13:46

Landndialamrhf · 02/05/2023 13:08

I think it’s impossible to stay completely tidy with kids, there’s going to be some toys out or whatever most of the time. And it’s easy to forget a cup.
but if it’s all the time and nothings changing and she doesn’t bother to offer to help, or even change the baby’s nappy then I don’t know if that’s a situation you can improve

id still give her one more chance though. Having been a nanny myself sometimes it was hard to know what people want. I wouldn’t arrange cupboards for example or step in if someone was cooking in their own kitchen, because that seems rude to me. but instead I may offer help, or suggest I cook the next day. Some families wanted me to just watch the children so the children could learn to entertain themselves rather than expecting 24/7 interaction. Others wanted me to be constantly playing with the children. Perhaps she isn’t clear what you want, I imagine you haven’t been clear since you don’t even feel comfortable asking her to change a nappy, which is clearly part of her job.
maybe you need to think about what you’d like and have a conversation with her.

I understand what you mean. I just feel like she doesn't offer to help with much, when I'm around.

But I'll give her a chance. It's better when I'm not around as much. But she knew the deal with my schedule and that I would be around sometimes for lunch and also that we'd occasionally do things together.

I really do need a hand when doing things with my kids. Otherwise I can't take them out much. My husband works a lot, so it's the only chance I get to go out with them, unless a family member volunteers to come with us. Again, she knew this is our set up. She likes to go out anyway, we always get lunch together with the kids and we have a good time together where we talk about our lives / she shares about her life etc.

Of course if she's not happy, she can get another job where the parent is never even home. But this is our set up and she knew.

OP posts:

themusicmum · 02/05/2023 13:20

Time to look for new one.

Skinnermarink · 02/05/2023 13:14

I think you need to step away for a few days and give her the responsibility- you say she behaves like a babysitter but frankly you’re treating her like one. Let her do the job, see if she’s capable. You’ll soon have your answer.

Landndialamrhf · 02/05/2023 13:08

I think it’s impossible to stay completely tidy with kids, there’s going to be some toys out or whatever most of the time. And it’s easy to forget a cup.
but if it’s all the time and nothings changing and she doesn’t bother to offer to help, or even change the baby’s nappy then I don’t know if that’s a situation you can improve

id still give her one more chance though. Having been a nanny myself sometimes it was hard to know what people want. I wouldn’t arrange cupboards for example or step in if someone was cooking in their own kitchen, because that seems rude to me. but instead I may offer help, or suggest I cook the next day. Some families wanted me to just watch the children so the children could learn to entertain themselves rather than expecting 24/7 interaction. Others wanted me to be constantly playing with the children. Perhaps she isn’t clear what you want, I imagine you haven’t been clear since you don’t even feel comfortable asking her to change a nappy, which is clearly part of her job.
maybe you need to think about what you’d like and have a conversation with her.

Freezylap · 02/05/2023 13:00

You say you used to eat lunch with your boss, but this is your home not a neutral office space. Can you imagine making and clearing up lunch in another person’s home while they’re there? It’s very awkward.

As a pp said, when I was a nanny I’d assume parents were in charge when they were around. I don’t recall regularly eating lunch with an employer even when they were at home. Mostly they’d grab a sandwich and take it back upstairs to stay out of the way.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 02/05/2023 12:43

maddiemookins16mum · 02/05/2023 12:39

Its incredibly hard when the Mum is there, it’s like two people trying to the same ‘job’. It always made me feel very uncomfortable, if I did lunch, would she like it etc.

I actually get this bit. When the parent is in the room i automatically default to them being in charge.

I wouldn't sit on my phone, though. Nor would I have them serve and clear up.

But it could be that she's really awkward around you and doesn't know what to do won't herself.

maddiemookins16mum · 02/05/2023 12:39

Its incredibly hard when the Mum is there, it’s like two people trying to the same ‘job’. It always made me feel very uncomfortable, if I did lunch, would she like it etc.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 02/05/2023 10:48

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 10:07

Uh. I'm starting to feel really resentful.

Ranting again.

This morning she comes in and the baby is sleeping. Rather than thinking of perhaps starting lunch or starting on the children's laundry. She just sits down on the sofa and is on her phone for the entire nap. She's just walked in, so shouldn't really have needed a break yet.

I just don't think it's a good work ethic to have.

Incredibly unprofessional. But you need to speak to her, you are her employer.

Skinnermarink · 02/05/2023 10:42

To be honest if you’re around to make and tidy up after lunch, do bathtime and go to soft play etc she’s probably wondering why she’s there. Not great for morale.

Excited101 · 02/05/2023 10:32

Did she know when she took the job that you’d be having lunch with her/them every day? Does she take them out very much?
I maintain that this may work for you, but not for her.

Other nannies may not let slip that they begrudge it, but I can almost guarantee that they did. A happy nanny will generally work well (if they’re not totally useless- I assume she has got decent experience and references etc?)

Your attitude of ‘if she doesn’t like it she can leave’ says an awful lot about you. She’s not a servant, she should be treated with respect.

Skinnermarink · 02/05/2023 10:31

Each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️ I prefer to work alone and am totally capable handling two small children at once. But my previous boss piggybacked on so many days out and activities so she could just be there observing all the fun while I did all the legwork and it often felt like I was there to nanny her too. Never again!

Original poster

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 10:28

Skinnermarink · 02/05/2023 10:24

Well is she a qualified nanny with a lot of experience? Doesn’t sound like it.

In her shoes however, I would hate to have to ‘do things together’ with my boss like soft play etc. I’m very much a sole charge nanny and nearly left the profession completist in lockdown, felt like I was nannying the bloody parents as well. Plus if they were free to come to the park or ‘help’ with bathtime or whatever I’d always wonder what the point of me being there was. Completely maddening.

Not really maddening at all. I find it exhausting taking both my small kids to softplay. I just can't do it. I suffer from a serious health condition which means I get absolutely exhausted a lot. So having an extra pair of hands at soft play or whilst giving them a bath, is worth its weight in gold to me.

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Original poster

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 10:26

Excited101 · 02/05/2023 10:17

You’ve got several things going on here, and I don’t think nanny should be written off just yet, actually.

id be interested to know how you’ve got through so many nannies with such young children? What are their reasons for leaving?

You need to let her get on with her job, her way. Stop going and hanging out with them for lunch- of course she’s taking a hands off approach, it’s usually really awkward with a parent (her boss) hanging around. I know no nanny who would be happy or thrive under those conditions. It may suit you, but it doesn’t suit her.

She should be changing nappies enough, but you’d be amazed at how much expectations vary. There’s a high chance she’s come from other families where nappies were left to get very full before changing. Tell her you’re finding there’s lots of wees at the moment, could she change baby more please?

if you’ve found writing a list helpful for other nannies, and this one isn’t very proactive- then why haven’t you done her one already? She can’t know what exactly you want doing unless she happens to just think like you, or she is psychic. Once you’ve done your list, back off with how she uses her time. If the kids are sleeping then don’t begrudge her sitting down! So long as she completes her list, it’s up to her how she manages her time.

I've had two nannies and it only ended because either they moved or we moved.....

Ive written the list already and it's just not getting through as much as I would hope.

I want to have lunch with my children when I can, if that's a problem, she can leave. Other other nannies never begrudged me of this and were also able to occasionally carry their own plates to the sink and didn't make me clean up after them every day.

I used to have lunch every day with my boss. You tend to even work near your boss, I don't see what the problem is with that, to be honest. We are paying her to do a job, whether we are there or not.

I agree with you on some level though, which is why I'll give it more time. I agree she can do with her time what she wants, BUT because of her general lack of proactiveness, I fear that the things just won't get done today, like it's happened before, many times. But essentially she can take her break as soon as she arrives, I guess that's nothing to do with me.

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Skinnermarink · 02/05/2023 10:24

Well is she a qualified nanny with a lot of experience? Doesn’t sound like it.

In her shoes however, I would hate to have to ‘do things together’ with my boss like soft play etc. I’m very much a sole charge nanny and nearly left the profession completist in lockdown, felt like I was nannying the bloody parents as well. Plus if they were free to come to the park or ‘help’ with bathtime or whatever I’d always wonder what the point of me being there was. Completely maddening.

Excited101 · 02/05/2023 10:17

You’ve got several things going on here, and I don’t think nanny should be written off just yet, actually.

id be interested to know how you’ve got through so many nannies with such young children? What are their reasons for leaving?

You need to let her get on with her job, her way. Stop going and hanging out with them for lunch- of course she’s taking a hands off approach, it’s usually really awkward with a parent (her boss) hanging around. I know no nanny who would be happy or thrive under those conditions. It may suit you, but it doesn’t suit her.

She should be changing nappies enough, but you’d be amazed at how much expectations vary. There’s a high chance she’s come from other families where nappies were left to get very full before changing. Tell her you’re finding there’s lots of wees at the moment, could she change baby more please?

if you’ve found writing a list helpful for other nannies, and this one isn’t very proactive- then why haven’t you done her one already? She can’t know what exactly you want doing unless she happens to just think like you, or she is psychic. Once you’ve done your list, back off with how she uses her time. If the kids are sleeping then don’t begrudge her sitting down! So long as she completes her list, it’s up to her how she manages her time.

Original poster

rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 10:07

Uh. I'm starting to feel really resentful.

Ranting again.

This morning she comes in and the baby is sleeping. Rather than thinking of perhaps starting lunch or starting on the children's laundry. She just sits down on the sofa and is on her phone for the entire nap. She's just walked in, so shouldn't really have needed a break yet.

I just don't think it's a good work ethic to have.

OP posts:

orangesandlemonsthebellsofstc · 30/04/2023 07:55

I think you need to have a meeting with her to review how things are working. I'd say something along the lines of work demands are picking up and you wanted to make sure you were communicating clearly about work roles and responsibilities to be fair to her.

Then go through a list of what is her responsibility what isn't. For example, you could include things like nursery drop off and pick up, taking baby on daily outing, preparing lunch for dc, clearing breakfast/lunch/snack and tea dishes by 5 pm daily into dishwasher, wiping down counters and putting items away. Include things like putting on one load of children's laundry a day and hanging it. Having toys used daily cleared by 5 pm and floor swept.

If little one naps for 1.5 hours, I'd let her know that you want her to take 1/2 that time as her lunch break and she can eat, watch a show, read a book, whatever she does is her choice, but the other 1/2 of that time may include light duties that help the household run smoothly. As for meals, she should be doing lunches and snacks, but could also help with light prep or even putting slow cooker on etc.

Having a nanny can work very well in making the whole household run far more smoothly. But it takes symbiosis that I think can be challenging for people to find/keep. Good luck!

ThisSingleMama · 29/04/2023 21:51

Where did you get her from?

What qualifications does she have? References?

mainsfed · 29/04/2023 21:41

Definitely speak to her.

Remember, you are paying her to do a job, she is not doing you a favour.

Don’t be hesitant in getting people to do what you need them to do.

Original poster

rainbowuni · 29/04/2023 21:24

@Newmum0322 I'm glad things are working out with your nanny. My nanny was also aware that I would be around. Sometimes we spend large parts of the day together, although this will lessen. When I'm working, I stay out of their way and only spend lunch time with them.

It's not that my kids will keep coming to me for things when I'm around, it's more that she puts them in front of the TV while I'm slaving away cooking for all of us or tidying up after all of us. She kind of just watches them, when I'm around. When I'm not around, I think she does more with them.

I think she is also just a bit messy and probably doesn't notice the mess as much as I do.

I've had a couple of nannies. One was really hot on being organised and working hard for her money. She never sat down and if the baby napped and she had nothing to do, she would rearrange my cupboards... she just wasn't comfortable sitting around ( even though I always told her to take a rest ). It was her personality. She was always trying to be helpful.

The other nanny I had would never have offered to do anything like that, but she was very into finding age appropriate activities to do and educational things for my little one. She understood a lot about child development and was amazing at playing with my child. She was so engaged. It was incredible.

They were both wonderful. The second one was also initially a bit messy, but she totally understood after a while and a list, how to be part of the household. She organised the toys every day and would occasionally empty the dish washed if it needed doing.

I'm hoping it will work out too with current nanny. I do think it's an issue when I'm around more. She takes a complete back seat. I will have a conversation about expectations when I am around and if it doesn't change, I guess I'll need to find a new nanny.

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IAmTheWalrus85 · 29/04/2023 20:02

I8toys · 28/04/2023 19:15

Have you discussed what you want with her? If not that's on you. I'd give her a chance to reticfy and if it doesn't improve then let her go.

I don’t think that a nanny should need to be told to change a baby’s dirty nappy.

Newmum0322 · 29/04/2023 19:40

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 21:18

@KoolKidK I only had to ' make a list ' for one of my nannies so far. It worked really well and the nanny then just used her common sense.

I feel like the problems are also caused by my presence maybe. In general I've been trying to keep away as much as possible. I feel like my presence makes her sit back.

Maybe that's the problem then ? If the parent is there, does the nanny automatically check out and just kind of sit there ?

I have a very similar situation, but I love our nanny. she’s so engaging and plays games, thinks of new ways to play every day, takes her out to new places every day, takes initiative, my baby loves her and sends me loads of pics. She’s like a big sister. That to me was so much more important… but she is a little messy!!

When I’m there and making lunch, the default is me. She sometimes tries bless her, but she’s my child and I think it just naturally happens this way. She’s cool about me being home and joining in though, and many nannies I spoke to just weren’t happy with that set up… and she’s never left her in a dirty nappy to be fair!

I’m very happy happy with the 90% that’s working well. Have a think overall if your happy with other things, if your children have a good bond etc… if she’s lacking on other ways then maybe you need to consider your options!

hotdiggetydog · 28/04/2023 23:41

"A problem is a conversation that didn't happen"

Get a new nanny and set out expectations before she starts.

OliveWah · 28/04/2023 23:36

It sounds like you have 3 options here:

Do nothing and let her continue to do a shoddy job, while you feel increasingly resentful.
Sack her and find someone else.
Have a conversation with her and set out your expectations.

Option 1 is clearly not going to work for you, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

Option 2 seems like a lot of hassle for you (as you have mentioned you would like to avoid this if possible).

Option 3 is therefore the only viable route for you. You've said you gave a previous nanny a list to work from when she wasn't initially up to scratch and it worked for her, so you should have some confidence in this approach. If it doesn't work, then you have to go with option 2, or learn to live with option 1!