To consider TTC while DH working away

Is he not bothered about missing so much of the first year of his child’s life? That would make me
reconsider TTC at all

Look, you do what you do.

Life does what it does.

I got married at 19. Working ourselves to the ground, so that when we hit late 20s we could start ttc.

We lost eight babies over the next ten years, plus two failed ivf.

We fell again and without intervention I carried my first, then the next year my second, and then third.

I gave up work, DH is constantly away, I have no family help.

You do what works for you.

Remember single parents, army, military, offshore, farmers, lorry drivers etc etc. not everyone has this perfect DH family set up

We TTC whilst DH was working away, and I had first trimester alone. It was great! I was exhausted and it meant I could just climb straight into bed when I got home and rest. There is no way that I would have a baby with DH in another country; I couldn’t deprive him of that very special time and hugely valuable bond both between him and baby, and the two of you as new parents. Don’t take that time away from him and give it to your mum. As a new mother you also need emotional support and some adult convo and downtime when baby does manage to go down in an evening! Lovely if you can do this with your partner.

I would do as some others suggest; wait a couple of months so that you can take mat leave early and arrange to stay with him for around a month before baby is born, and until you are ready to go back to work. That way you enjoy the new baby time together, you don’t sacrifice your work, and you also enjoy being in a city centre where I’m guessing there will be lots to do with new baby. I really wouldn’t delay; we needed IVF ICSI - we had a hunch we may have trouble so started trying at a less opportune time (exactly like you); really paid dividends with then being able to access fertility help with me at a viable age. Hopefully this is a moot point and you conceive quickly, but if you want another, age would continue to be a consideration.

When I read your thread title I thought that you were asking if YWBU to TTC while your DH was away, as in your DH wouldn't be available to TTC with, so would YBU to find someone else to assist in his absence!

At 34 I would definitely wait to TTC!

Why do you think you’ll want to go back to work at five months? You may. But in my experience it’s unusually early and lots of people who think they want a short mat leave change their mind when the baby is born.

Personally there’s no way I’d do this. I think everyone loses out. If your DP has his heart set on the secondment then he’s not ready to prioritise parenthood, and it’s another reason to wait.

Have you looked into maternity care in the country he's going to? What if you started mat leave when you're still able to manage a 1-hour flight (say 35 weeks) and go to have the baby where he is and spend your ML there? Your mum could come too? It's such a special time having your first baby together, it's sad not to share that.

You have time

I would delay by 6mths so he is around for birth and first few months

Equally as you will be on ml no reason why you can't fly out there once have a passport for baby

Not sure if you can do same day passport for first passport but even if send away hopefully won't take more than a few weeks

That's got to be better than dad 6mths away from his child

I get that we only have your side, and that things don't feel quite real until you're pregnant or even until the baby's born, but seriously - what is his opinion on whether he would like to spend any time with his baby? Find that out before you get pregnant, and don't have a baby whose dad isn't interested in spending time with them. It isn't and shouldn't be all about "can someone else do a nappy while I shower", this is about a potential real human who deserves to be wanted. If you have a man who thinks his secondment is more important, and you're planning to rush back to work - what's the point, really?

Also, part of having kids is sacrifice, (most) people learn that you can’t always have the same career etc especially in the early years, sometimes you have to make compromises. He is being slightly unreasonable taking it if you are both invested in TTC, can’t imagine planning a baby whilst taking a job so far away.

This. You cant plan for these things.

I would TTC. You have no idea how hard it’s going to be and the journey it may take. My personal opinion is anyone above 30 shouldn’t wait if they want more than one child.

Sorry brain only semi engaged.🤦🏻‍♀️

I'd carry on TTC if he is happy to as well. You'll sort out the practicalities if you get pregnant & won't resent him/his job if you don't.

DH and I conceived first go while living in different countries (I spent six months a year a short haul flight away for years) — he was visiting me for a weekend. We were shocked as I was 39 and thought it would take ages, if it happened at all. The pregnancy was manageable, though tough (bad morning sickness, SPD), but there’s no way I would have survived the first six months of parenthood solo, despite being tough-minded, independent, and used to separation. Plus it would have been appalling for DH to miss out on so much.

You'd probably be best to ask MN to delete this thread & start again, with ALL the details in it, or you're just going to keep getting people who haven't even read all if your posts commenting on stuff you've cleared up.

id probably take a break from TRC while he settles into his new job & then carry on.

Could he get out of the secondment without repercussions if you did fall pregnant before he left? It would be terribly hard for both of you for him not to be around for the first 6 months. But in your situation I would be also thinking that delaying could be risky.

Go for it. Time apart with small baby is max 6 months but likely to be shorter and you can travel to him a bit when on leave.

I’d definitely start TTC. You don’t know how long it might take so the 6 months is worst case scenario

If he's really serious about having a baby soon, would he consider not going?

Honestly, it’s flipping hard, how much will your mum be willing to do? Don’t underestimate how much you might want your DH there, 6 months is a lot to miss

You will be on maternity leave - so why don’t you stay with him?

It might take months or years to conceive.
If you’ve thought through all the consequences of falling pregnant while he will be away and honestly decided that you think you are ok with it then I’d just try and see what happens.

I would say your age is a big factor. If you are under 35 then may be less of a rush to tttc(I know this isn't always the case and infertility can happen any age) and if you are under 35 perhaps wait.