To have made SIL cry

Please don't patronise me. I've been a parent to young children, then to teenagers and now to adults. I've worked as a teacher and have a sibling who works in child protection and my husband is a Headteacher.
I know what abusers tell children.
I also know the difference between a joke said in front of parents and a secret to start grooming.
More importantly so do my children.

Some women cry to emotionally manipulate and get their way, that's all I meant.

You should've just spoken to her at the time.

Your text would've got my back right up too.

The message about not keeping secrets isn't "except if someone else tells you to"! Your clarity with your child is that nothing they ever do will stop you loving them, and they can tell you or Daddy everything good or bad or confusing, even if others tell them not to. And that if they are worried but not with you, they can ask a teacher or police officer or even another mum for help too.

No, if you are 'blunt' which in the OP's case means tactless and overbearing then it is not other people's responsibility to absorb whatever you throw at them and protect you from any emotional response they may have. Also why would you jump from someone being upset to them being manipulative?

Safeguarding 😂

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit 100% agree with you.

I find it totally disrespectful of anyone to ask a child to keep something from a parent.
My rule would be ‘if it needs to be a secret from me then you shouldn’t be doing it!’
simple really…..
I think when she ‘joked’ about it.. you should’ve ‘joked’ back immediately that if something needs to be a secret from Mummy or Daddy then it shouldn’t be happening!

Are you for real?

Of course children keep secrets as they get older. I took it to mean that the OP will be tellling her child that adults asking them to keep secrets wont be acceptable (in terms of abuse, abusers will often tell children its a secret and they won't be believed) and that they can tell her if anyone has them to keep a secret (to ensure they are safe)

Not like keeping a present a surprise or a picture they've drawn a surprise but anything that could lead to potential grooming.

Yes. This. I worked in CSA, and there really is a massive difference in "secrets".

I'm a mum of two middle aged kids, and gran to 5 adult grandchildren.

Silly secrets like sweets are ok from a much loved auntie - just educate your DC on telling you about anything that makes them uncomfortable. But, when they reach teenage, they will have secrets,

You've been OTT with the text and should apologise.🙄

Possibly but I don’t descend to personal insults in online debate so I’m fairly sure I’m winning at life over people who are so pathetic that they think that’s appropriate behaviour.

Well, you’re an idiot then

If this is the case then we can only pity everybody involved, especially the OP.

OP came back and explained that she doesn’t care and won’t apologize.

She is reading and only replying to messages that support her stance.

This is all about maintaining the illusion of control.

Haha. Touché!

And a quick heads up in the moment would be fine and sensible. Sending written material relating to child abuse (and I assume child sexual abuse) some time later is in my view (and apparently the SIL's) directly equating the person who made the comment with an abuser.

This!!

YANBU OP, your SIL completely overreacted. If you can be a bit blunt at times, and I am too, then if she knows you she should be used to it and decipher the message you are making, not worry about the tone so much. Don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong. She overreacted to what was a general message, don't let her make you feel bad, she is the one with the problem and I hope she won't cause trouble for you by putting on the waterworks to manipulate your DP.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

If you think people need two years to get to grips with the (massively common and widely understood) idea that children aren't asked to keep secrets from their parents, then I can understand why you have concerns.

However, it sounds like you are a little bit overbearing if you are preparing otherwise competent adults to behave appropriately when your child is old enough to understand the concept of secrets (I can't see how old your child is, but I get the impression we're talking about a literal baby here?).

Basically, if you approach everything like this, you are going to make parenting hugely more difficult than it needs to be and alienate people who would otherwise be happy to help you out. Try not to borrow trouble from the future - you have got time to see how people interact with your child and assess their suitability based on that rather than trying to pre-empt theoretical situations that sound like they are years off anyway.

And a quick heads up in the moment would be fine and sensible. Sending written material relating to child abuse (and I assume child sexual abuse) some time later is in my view (and apparently the SIL’s) directly equating the person who made the comment with an abuser.

I wouldn’t choose to be around a child whose parent decided to insinuate she thought I’m likely to abuse that child and that’s how I’d take sending me that sort of material.

A huge amount of people on this thread obviously have no understanding of what OP's no secret rule means.

OP is going to teach her child that anyone who tells them to keep a secret from their parents is not trustworthy. This is a really simple and sensible thing to do to protect them from abuse.

OP gave their SIL a heads up that they will be teaching their child this, and therefore if she tells OP's child to keep a secret, even as a joke, it risks either undermining the message that trustworthy adults will not ask them to keep a secret from their parents OR make OP's child regard SIL as untrustworthy. Presumably SIL wouldn't want either of these things to happen.

OP wasn't telling SIL that she was grooming her child ffs. She was letting her know that her innocent jokey remark might have unintended consequences due to OP's parenting decision.

It does sound a bit like you're inferring she's a peadophile tbh.

But I don't think you were wrong to say it. He's your child.

So you have basically said that she is not a trustworthy person on the grounds that you knew she was joking and it was completely harmless? So you basically said, you don't trust her not to do this for something that isn't a joke and completely harmless and you warned her off by text. What's the matter with you? A quick call, and you would not have had this at all. All your fault, don't text, phone. No wonder she was upset.

I think you've been weird and officious with your sister-in-law. I see why she's upset, though in her position I hope I would have reacted more calmly.

You seem to be operating on the assumption that in sharing this no secrets information with SIL you are protecting your child, but honestly I don't see how schooling someone well intentioned in response to a joke is going to do anything to prevent malign people from hurting you child. It may make you feel more in control to imagine that it will.

Ultimately, if you want to repair your relationship with your SIL and enrich your child's life with a close and supportive extended family you should probably try to validate her feelings a bit here, rather than focusing exclusively on your sense of being right on principle.

I think you should just call her and acknowledge that on reflection, sending her the info via text might have come across a bit OTT. You just wanted to be careful about not normalising keeping secrets, even for silly things like sweets. It’s nothing to do with your SIL specifically. Sounds like she may have interpreted your text as a suggestion she might do horrible things to your child, hence why she’s so upset?