Ex partner house guest while partner away.

@Mobilephonesputmeninmobilehomes My DH is good friends with someone he dated casually and she’s become a friend of mine, although not as close. She is a blonde bombshell but I trust DH and this feels fine. She has stayed in our house when I’ve been travelling with no worries on my part. There is someone much less attractive I wouldn’t have back, full stop, much less if I were not there, based on her behaviour. Luckily DH agrees.

OP’s vibe isn’t the same. I agree with @thebaneofmylifeisacat that she is enjoying the power, albeit in a deniable ‘who me?’ way. If I were her DP I would be thinking that life is too short for this shit.

I'm quite surprised by a lot of the responses, I'm good friends with an ex, we were together for a year and I'm now married to a lovely man who trusts me and became of that he has no problem with the friendship. I will go out for dinner with my ex while visiting my family (I moved when I married), I have stayed overnight in his house and yes, it was just the two of us but thankfully my dh is mature enough to realise if I wanted to cheat I would and him dictating who I spend time with wouldn't stop me. My ex and dh have met (ex came to wedding), they get on well but even if they didn't I would still see my ex because he's now a valued friend who has been a great support over the years particularly when my wonderful dm was dying. If your boyfriend trusts you why has he got an issue? Does he not think you're capable of telling your ex to get lost if he makes a pass at you??

I also get the feeling you are enjoying this, OP. Either that or you are thick.

If your new partner is as lovely as you say why not pay some attention to his feelings? What some mythical perfect man might do is hardly the point.

As your DP isn't happy about, yes you are being unreasonable. Your friend can stay in a hotel, B&B, with friends - there's no need for him to stay at yours.

Your friend must like you a lot to travel all that way to see you? Is he just visiting to see you and nobody else?

Oh the op can see it but she's enjoying the power. As I said nothing wrong with that but if you sup with the devil you need a very long spoon

Christ I am actually now my mother

Yes, if you were my boyfriend and pulled this shit, you'd pretty swiftly be my ex. I'm quite astonished you can't see a single tiny thing wrong with this set up. I think your boyfriend's insecurities may well be because you give off that untrustworthy vibe.

I think you are enjoying the attention of both these men op.

Nowt wrong with that but you are probably playing with fire. That can be fun unless you really do care for one of them in which case tred carefully or you might be the one whose kicked into the long grass

What I mean @ToyahWillcox is that you referred to him jointly as all your exes when previously you said:

He's not an ex-boyfriend though!

Why does he have to stay over? Why can't you meet somewhere in the middle and just have lunch for something?

Was the last time you saw him when you were still having sex?

Why would you feel it's appropriate for him to sleep in your house when your boyfriend isn't even comfortable enough to meet him? If he was going away with a friend he used to have sex with, how would you feel?

I don’t wish to meet any of my partners ex’s… his best mate is with one of his ex’s, but I’ve refused to have anything to do with her. I’m not insecure. I just have boundaries and that’s one of them. My partner can walk away if he doesn’t agree.
your boyfriend should not have to meet or hear about or see or have anything to do with any of your ex’s.

Yes. Very unreasonable

‘Insecure to a level that concerns me a bit to be completely honest’. That’s ‘lovely’?? Would you be happy with a woman he’s had sex with before staying over when you’re away?

Surely you can think of a middle ground between cutting your ex sex partners out of your life and having sleepovers when your boyfriend is away? You’re trying hard to make it seem like your boyfriend is unreasonable, but it’s really not working.

You've had quite a few people agreeing that it would be disrespectful for you to have your ex come and stay over when your partner isn't there. I don't think it's evidence that your partner is insecure (although he might be). To be honest, if he is, your attitude to this isn't helping! You made a mistake at least once and had sex with him, so what's to say that after a few drinks, you won't make another mistake or at least end up in a position where it might lead to that. Why risk it? What are you trying to prove?

Semantics. It's not different just because you want it to be in order to get your own way. This is a man you slept with ergo he is an ex-boyfriend.

I shouldn't have to choose surely.

You don't have to choose but your bf can choose to end the relationship if he's not comfortable with you having an ex over to stay. If you love your boyfriend and he's lovely, I don't know why you would want to do something you know he doesn't like. You can see your friend without him staying over

I think you can’t pander to your partners insecurities, he’s your friend, you live your life and don’t be controlled by his issues. It’s not ok. Have your friend to stay. Your boyfriend either deals or walks. His call op.

I think that might be a bit controlling. Would he be okay about you meeting up with your ex if you weren’t going to be in the same house alone overnight?

I can understand being uncomfortable about b/gf’s exes and it might be reasonable to ask them to avoid more intimate things (like sleepovers). But if your b/gf’s ex is still a friend, you need to find a way to accept them still being in touch or realise this person just isn’t for you and find someone who can’t stand being in touch after a break up.

If you can hand on heart say that you would not be bothered about your partner having his ex girlfriend stay over then crack on. I don't think your partner is in the wrong to be upset though.

You can still have them in your life without having them sleep over.

There's surely a compromise to be had here?

😂😂😂

Do you value these friendships more than your relationship with your boyfriend?

Whether you had sex with this friend once or a thousand times really makes no difference. I think you are being unreasonable. It will be hurtful to your boyfriend. Would you like him sharing his house with his ex when you were not there?

If he's so lovely, why piss him off with this? Your mistake/friend can sleep elsewhere. What you're describing isn't insecurity comparable to telling you not to dress a certain way, it's just human nature when you're committed.

I've considered this but it feels a bit like by boyfriend's insecurities are then controlling my behaviour. I don't like that feeling at all it makes me feel uncomfortable. If he felt insecure about me dressing a certain way or talking to men at work, and so I didn't do those things, that would be manipulation. He doesn't own me!

So don't complain if you decide to do it and he ends the relationship. He's told you how he feels and you clearly don't respect his feelings.