To feel resentful?

He sounds both lazy and selfish.

That he will put his job ahead of you and child and up and leave you rather than be late is very telling.

Don't have another child with this selfish loser.

He's a poor husband and father.

Mind yourself OP, start booking some weekends away and leave him to it.

Stop booking family days out, they simply aren't as important as you getting down time and some rest.

He hasn't your back, nor will he, so protect yourself and don't get pregnant again.

His type usually only get more selfish as time goes on.

Sorry!

OP, half the week (or so) you are working full time and default parent. When DH is home, you are working full time and either default parent or team parent (depending on who you ask).
Meanwhile your DH is working full time half the week without childcare responsibilities, and for the other half he is team parent (again, depending on who you ask).

There is no equality where one of you spends half the week being default parent and the other doesn’t spend at least some time also being default parent. He should tag team with you so that, in the same way he benefits from minimal childcare stress -thanks to you- while working away, when he is home he picks up the slack so you can now have your turn benefitting from minimal childcare stress - thanks to him - when he is home.

Also get really specific about what mental load entails and point blank refuse to do half of the things you’re doing. Some of your home life will go to wrack and ruin but hopefully it’ll result in him understanding how to pull his weight!

A nanny would take all your salary but that would be a pretty short term view. You only need a nanny until your youngest is school age. But you keeping you career going would have long term benefits of increased earnings better pension, better career prospects etc

Op, this resentment will not be good for your marriage. Your dh is coasting along letting you do all the hard work and enjoying the nice bits of being a parent. this isn't fair and isn't good for your relationship nor his relationship with his child.

I'd do two things. One, I'd have a conversation at a time when you aren't actively angry with him for not pulling his weight. So not in the moment when he couldn't be arsed packing a bag for his child because that is women's work. Instead some evening when you have had a nice day together, tell him you want to have a discussion about division of labour because you are at the end of your rope and surely the man who loves you wants to solve that.

Second, the next week he is home, set your alarm, get up and go to work an hour or two earlier - have a nice cup of coffee somewhere. Just be out of the house before you need to leave for nursery. Leave him with the toddler. Don't pack a bag. Don't make lunch. Don't even wake him if you don't want to. Just go and send a text saying "had to head in early today - will be doing this all week" and let him experience what he thinks is so easy for you to do. not just one day but every day.

How, when he says "well it is easier for you to do the bag" you haven't said "for fucks sake just pack the bag will you and stop being an arse about it" is beyond me. Maybe you have.

"His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here?"

Because I was on my own with all this last week and I'll be on my own again next week. Time for you to do your fair share or I will end up resenting you.

@Belltentdreamer

Expecting your oh to do their share isn't a power struggle

Or at least it shouldn't be.

It's only a power struggle because her oh thinks he's more important than her

By default parent I mean, if we are both working on particular day when he's home he will leave it to me to sort out DC out as he sees it as more important that he's at work on time then me (he's said this before)
wow just wow.
how about Dh: when you are home you will get dc ready for nursery and take them. If that makes you late then maybe you will manage it better the next day. Until you are up to taking this one single tiny component of parenting our child off my plate on the odd day you are home, I don’t want you on any days out. Dc and I will go do fun things without you like we have to most of the time. There’s no point you living here if you refuse to parent or value my largely single parenting role or value my job one iota. If you resent being left out of family outings and being asked to do one thing so much that you decide to leave me then it really wasnt much of a marriage anyway.

It gets quoted a lot OP but if you haven't seen this it's worth a look:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

But actually I think you have a bigger problem than this because your husband seems so convinced he is already doing his fair share.
See also "She divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink."

I think the problem is usually when a spouse works away it means that they earn enough money that the parent at home with the child is either a SAHM or PT so becomes that default parent. Or both parents have big high earning careers and they have enough money to comfortably employ a nanny to ensure smooth running of childcare and house!
With you the roles seem a little less defined cause a bit of a power struggle?

I saw this posted on another thread OP 'To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?' And thought it interesting as not just a list of housework. Might be a way to articulate the issues of 'mental load'

Remind him that if you split over this, all 24/7 childcare then becomes split 50/50 every week which will put paid to his working away and result in him living a very different life.

I think you need to leave him to it so he experiences same as you. Go away for a few days or book activities eg gym pt or meet friends so he’s it in terms of child and household.
Set out practical examples. You have had x hours free last week.
Probably you dropping to 4 days and having a day off is similar to him having a week away each fortnight. He’s doing no cooking, no childcare, no nursery drop offs every other week that’s a huge amount of free time.

Someone else commented on the fact that your future earnings and pension would take a massive hit and that is hugely significant.

But something else struck me about your thinking; a nanny would not “eat [your] entire salary”, a nanny would cost part of your salary and part of your husband’s. Alternatively it could take a chunk of your husband’s wage, leaving yours intact (the opposite of the scenario you put forward).

Every time you think that way, you are confirming subconsciously that the child is indeed, your responsibility. I understand the mental shortcut, because the amount you earn is probably roughly similar to what a nanny would cost, but there’s a definite implication there that it would be you that had to pay for the nanny in order to have the right to work without your current excess workload.

It’s a hard one. My partner used to travel a lot when mine were small and it is exhausting but it’s also exhausting to travel long haul… I used to try and grab an afternoon to myself whenever he got back and equally would try and give him a break too. I work part time and my husband full time and although he no longer travels anywhere near as much I would say I am still the default parent (I still have one little one at home too).

What sort of works for us is to assign specific roles. He is in charge of one type of weekly activity and I organise the other. He does bins/dishes and washing, I foodshop, cook, clean and iron. It feels fairer now I know he will take over certain tasks automatically.

Go to work, or the gym early, so you’re not in the house.

At the weekend, tell him to plan something. If he doesn’t, go out and leave him with the toddler- he didn’t plan anything, so it’s fair to assume he’s free to look after dc while you take the opportunity to do something for you.

@sotiredandburntout

Leave before him.

Go on nights and days out without him

Go away for the weekend and leave him at home with the toddler

Or.

Just leave. He won't change.

He's told you he doesn't value your time or contribution abd thinks he is more important. Listen to him.

I get it, you don’t want to ask him to do things, you want him to know they need doing and just do them. And to a point that’s reasonable, but if you’ve been doing it all until now, then there are going to be things he doesn’t think about. You’re going to have to start by asking, and by not volunteering to do them yourself.

So when the car insurance needs doing, tell him, forward him the email, and say can you sort this please.

Plans for the weekend? Tell him you’re not planning it, you’re too tired. Ask him to come up with a plan and let you know.

School drop offs and pickups because his job is more important - that’s unacceptable, tell him so, and tell him which days he’s doing. Make yourself unavailable so it’s not an option. Go to the gym or something.

I absolutely hated planning meals and doing food shopping. So I told my husband I wasn’t doing it anymore. It was all his. That might be harder for you if he’s not home a lot of the time to eat the meals, but if there is one other single thing that you’re doing that he could take over, identify it and hand it over. Paying the nursery bills? I remember that was always a major pain, with tax free childcare and what not.

Email from nursery that child has to dress up as something particular, bring something in etc, and it’s one of the days he’s home? Hey DH, just got this email, can you sort it please. He’ll forget some of the time. When the nursery asks, point them in his direction. Make sure he’s getting all emails and texts as well as you.

It wont be instant. But it can get better.

You're going to have to suggest some actionable changes OP. There is no incentive for him to change anything.

A few of us have suggested rotas and generally a clearer separation of roles/responsibilities as well as more explicit downtime called out.

You also need to let him fail sometimes.

I got really fed up of my DH stomping his feet and telling me I was "faffing about" when we were meant to be going somewhere with the DCs that I decided to stop "faffing" and see what would happen. I had explained to him before (many times) what I was actually doing but eventually had enough of the disrespect and the annoying "I'm always ready, we're always waiting for you"

One of the times we hadn't packed a bib for DS who was probably 10months at the time. DH is looking at me like ?? And I just breezily told him why we didn't have it and that I was going outside to help older DS with his lunch and it was now DHs problem. I find a good head tilt and matching their confusion with confusion helps when you've tried all the reasonable solutions.

DH: "We don't have <x>"
Me: head tilt "Oh really, what are we going to do about that?" Awkward pause, refuse to give solution

DH is way better and way more respectful now he understands that my "faffing" actually benefits us all and is necessary. No amount of telling him made him understand though.

@sotiredandburntout

So stop doing it all.

Repeating you're exhausted because you iave to do everything while you enable your oh to only go to work won't change anything

Have you specifically told him to sort the bag and plan the day? You both need better communication and planning between the two of you. Yes, he should be more involved and you shouldn’t need to tell him that but you are where you are now.

‘’DH, let’s go to the zoo next weekend. This one is all on you. I need you to sort the tickets and get Jr ready to go.”

”DH- starting next week you are doing drop off and pick up for Jr on the days you aren’t traveling”

”DH- the insurance needs quoted here’s the information from the last time I did it”

”Hey great rate on the insurance, you’re in charge of it from now on. Consider it officially yours to manage”

But one thing is that it is hard on both parents to manage a regular absence. It’s like kids playing double Dutch jump rope the present parent has all the information and the absent one is trying to figure out when and where to jump in. That is going to require more hard rules and less guessing/anticipating to work until you both get your roles down.

@Belltentdreamer

Parenting your child and doing housework isn't helping out. He's not doing her a favour

The op also needs downtime