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Original poster

DH & his sleep...

34 replies

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 13:56

He works a manual job, 40 hours a week over 4 days (4 days on, 3 off). I've had manual jobs and they are tiring, so I have lots of sympathy, but would you think this is too much sleep?

So a typical working day:
Returns home by 6pm, then falls asleep on the sofa (after eating) by 7pm. Will snooze on sofa until 9/10pm then go up to bed, and his alarm goes off at 6am. Average of 10 hours.

Non working day: Sleeps in until 9am, then afternoon nap on sofa 12-2pm. Will eat evening meal and then snooze on sofa from 7pm and go to bed at 9/10pm.
Average of 13/14 hours.

I was concerned for his health so he went to GP and he's had a clean bill of health, very healthy, he doesn't drink or smoke and eats a healthy diet.

I'm beginning to just be very lonely in the evenings when he's snoozing! He doesn't ever fancy going for a meal out, cinema, theatre etc.

It's weird because if I'm busy in the house, he'll busy himself doing something and won't nap, but if I'm home and in the same room, his automatic state is to sleep!

OP posts:
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SallyWD · 23/04/2023 22:10

I really think he's just exhausted by the manual work, given his age.

Eleganz · 23/04/2023 21:46

If he is doing manual labour in his mid-50's I'd say this is pretty normal. Perhaps it is time to see if there are other, less intensive roles that he could do, not just so you can watch TV together, but for his health and wellbeing generally.

balzamico · 23/04/2023 21:22

I payed last week about my dh, office job with lots of responsibility but not physical. Sleeps for Britain, so dull

ColdHandsHotHead · 23/04/2023 21:14

Has he had COVID recently? It can make people sleep lot. Also, does he wake during the night? I have insomnia so I am awake for part of each night and as a rule if I sit down during the day, I'll nod off.

Pluvia · 23/04/2023 21:00

Ah, the ‘don’t understand’ crowd have turned up!

It's just me, not a crowd. And I don't understand why I'd be expected to stop watching something that interested me on TV because my partner dropped off. The OP's partner can watch on catch-up if he wants to.

purplecorkheart · 23/04/2023 20:49

What is his water intake like? I used to get very very sleepy when my water intake was poor (I genuinely used to cry with tiredness and would put my head down on my desk during lunch and sleep). I really upped my water intake and it massively improved my quality of life.

60smusic · 23/04/2023 20:39

It's very common. All my friends who are in their 50s say the same about their dhs. Come in from work, eat, watch TV, fall asleep during tv, wake go to bed back to square one.

My own dh has RA so tiredness is very common and he does 12 hour shifts and is the same. I know he has health conditions but I know so many men like this.

I also know many who can't stay indoors and have to be on the go. So it's unfortunate when we get the tired ones.

I have noticed that if dh is out, he's fine, I use to say our house was cursed with making people sleepy. I think they get into a routine /rut and it is hard to change.

My dh had gone to the GP last week as he was so tired of being tired, the GP did say his RA was the main factor plus he said he had long covid, I asked how they tested for that, he wasn't sure 🙄 but he did have fasting Bloods done and a few things like diabetes etc were tested.

RE programmes I just watch them, he always falls asleep and I end up waiting weeks to see them. I also just organise things out without him with friends.

Restforabit · 23/04/2023 20:24

Ah, the ‘don’t understand’ crowd have turned up!

I think sleep can be a bit habit forming, @Sehrgut , the more you have the more you need. When we were on holiday a few months ago the TV didn’t work very well in our cottage so DH and I went upstairs to read and ended up falling asleep at around the same time as our then-20 month old! Then DH slept until 8 and then napped the same as the toddler. I did point out he was actually sleeping MORE than a not quite two year old!

Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 20:18

Daffidale · 23/04/2023 20:05

I don’t think that’s an excessive amount of sleep. Some people need more than others. I definitely am a 10 hours a night person and the weekend is obviously more but not massively so.

it sounds like it’s more that you get bored and lonely when he naps during the day? I wonder if that’s the thing to tackle, not the amount of sleep. So finding things for you to do on you’re own while he naps, and also making sure you have quality time together when he makes an effort to stay awake.

like you wrote “the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!”

Now I figure he can either stay awake, or miss the show! It’s lovely that you pause it when he nods off, but have you talked to him about whether he wants you to do that or if he’s happy missing it? I sometimes fall asleep watching TV if it’s late at night and I don’t expect DH to pause or rewatch what I’ve missed.

I know I'm daft for pausing the shows - I should just plough on but then he'll ask a dozen questions, 'what happened' 'who's that' etc, and I get a bit annoyed!

Hobbies wise I do enjoy lots, running, the gym, seeing friends, art club, I volunteer as well as working - I just would love to do things with DH, he's fab company (when awake!!) I suppose it almost feels like the relationship is coasting, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 20:11

ForestDad · 23/04/2023 19:58

I get the bored evenings. DW needs more sleep than me and gets up early every day so I'm often awake on my own after 9pm.

Sounds to me like he is giving all his energy to work and saving little for himself and you. Does he need to work FT in a manual role? You don't mention your working situation, could either of you look for a job earning more/hr so you could cut hours and maintain pay?

Second getting something in the calendar for you both to look forward to. It gives a bit of balance to life. Instead of living to work you might start to think that this job is getting in the way of life a bit! Good luck

Luckily our finances are good so he doesn't 'need' to work those 4 days but he loves the job and the team he works with - he has other qualifications though that he could utilise, but he dislikes change so it would be a big leap for him to change things up!

I do think if he even dropped a day he'd have more energy. You're right, that a lot of his energy is put into those 4 days. And definitely I need to book a few things to look forward to.

Really appreciate the replies, thank you!

OP posts:
Pluvia · 23/04/2023 20:06

Ah exactly, the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!

I don't understand. Why can't you just watch what you want to watch regardless of whether he's asleep or not?

The other thing I'd suggest you do is develop some interests outside the home so that you have somewhere to go while he's sleeping and have a life outside work even if he doesn't. Crafting, book group, choir, swimming session, exercise, learning German (!) The other thing I wondered was whether he was having a drink or two after work. That plus an evening meal and a warm living room would have me asleep within five minutes.

Daffidale · 23/04/2023 20:05

I don’t think that’s an excessive amount of sleep. Some people need more than others. I definitely am a 10 hours a night person and the weekend is obviously more but not massively so.

it sounds like it’s more that you get bored and lonely when he naps during the day? I wonder if that’s the thing to tackle, not the amount of sleep. So finding things for you to do on you’re own while he naps, and also making sure you have quality time together when he makes an effort to stay awake.

like you wrote “the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!”

Now I figure he can either stay awake, or miss the show! It’s lovely that you pause it when he nods off, but have you talked to him about whether he wants you to do that or if he’s happy missing it? I sometimes fall asleep watching TV if it’s late at night and I don’t expect DH to pause or rewatch what I’ve missed.

ForestDad · 23/04/2023 19:58

I get the bored evenings. DW needs more sleep than me and gets up early every day so I'm often awake on my own after 9pm.

Sounds to me like he is giving all his energy to work and saving little for himself and you. Does he need to work FT in a manual role? You don't mention your working situation, could either of you look for a job earning more/hr so you could cut hours and maintain pay?

Second getting something in the calendar for you both to look forward to. It gives a bit of balance to life. Instead of living to work you might start to think that this job is getting in the way of life a bit! Good luck

iklboo · 23/04/2023 19:47

@DojaPhat - that's how I interpreted it too.

I'm sorry you were upset @Sehrgut, but I honestly don't think it was an attempt at a dig or personal attack.

Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:45

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:17

Ah, now I feel bad as my dp has a manual job and is always tired but he really does work very hard. He doesn’t sleep as much as yours though @Sehrgut . As he has a clean bill of health, maybe he needs some encouragement to get out as that might make him live a little more. Currently he seems to be either working or sleeping 😔

Could he be depressed? I’m really sorry to hear of your infertility 😔

Not depressed as far as I can tell! But that's a good idea actually, I think it'll do him so much good to get out a bit; maybe it's more that it's fallen into being a routine for him?

OP posts:
usethedata · 23/04/2023 19:45

Does he snore at night? This sounded like me before sleep apnea treatment

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:43

@Sehrgut No, I genuinely saw it "as I hope you don't have kids" shorthand as because he'd be 'taking the absolute piss' iyswim? I wouldn't have taken it as a dig at you having or not having kids, nor having experienced fertility problems as there's nothing to indicate that in the OP.

Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:43

Kitkatbreak · 23/04/2023 19:16

He sounds like me! I always start snoozing really early, but when DH works away I can still be up at midnight. Take it as a compliment - I always fall asleep next to DH because I feel safe and happy next to him!

Funnily enough, that's what DH says - that he's all happy and secure by me, everything is okay, and he can just nod off!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:40

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:34

@BrutusMcDogface I am being insensitive by reading the thread before asking if the OP had children? Then having read the thread posting to say the reason why someone might have asked if they had children. Ok.Confused

The poster didn't ask me if I had children though, or show any genuine concern about my DH shirking any responsibility - they simply stated "I hope you don't have children.

It's pretty obvious to read the intended tone.

If a poster had simply asked if we had children, or asked if DH pulled his weight then I could understand that and no hurt would have been caused.

But you know that, you're just looking for a reason to be unkind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:34

chipshopElvis · 23/04/2023 19:14

My OH has an active job, is 47 and falls asleep all over the place. He does get up really early. He's either busy or asleep. It's v. annoying as we can never watch anything together every time he sits down he falls asleep.

Ah exactly, the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!

Daft problem to have but it's annoying!

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:34

@BrutusMcDogface I am being insensitive by reading the thread before asking if the OP had children? Then having read the thread posting to say the reason why someone might have asked if they had children. Ok.Confused

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:22

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:18

I was going to ask something similar, not to be insensitive but to ask if given he's sleeping so much does he ever do his share of child-rearing and hasn't used his shift work pattern and subsequent need for sleep to shirk his responsibilities.

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Now you’re being insensitive 🙄

LividHouse · 23/04/2023 19:19

Did the doctor do blood tests?

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:18

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:06

We went through 15 years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, this is a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say.

Show quote history

I was going to ask something similar, not to be insensitive but to ask if given he's sleeping so much does he ever do his share of child-rearing and hasn't used his shift work pattern and subsequent need for sleep to shirk his responsibilities.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:17

Ah, now I feel bad as my dp has a manual job and is always tired but he really does work very hard. He doesn’t sleep as much as yours though @Sehrgut . As he has a clean bill of health, maybe he needs some encouragement to get out as that might make him live a little more. Currently he seems to be either working or sleeping 😔

Could he be depressed? I’m really sorry to hear of your infertility 😔

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