MIL cannot be on time!

My DH was like this, and used to spend so much time faffing. If I planned to leave at 11, I would tell him 10, then he would actually be ready to go at 11! Which was what I aimed for anyway. Sadly he died 5 years ago, but I would give anything to have him back, and would never complain about his being late ever again....

Lateness is rude. It's saying "your time is less important". No excuses.

The inevitable question is what's DH's attitude towards this? All the replies saying leave without her don't help if he would refuse to do so.

Honestly , you need to show her that she cant do this.

so leave at 9.30, and if she's not ready then she doesn't go.

She does this because there is no consequences for her.

If there were consequences then she'd be on time

is she ready yet ?

I really, really struggle with time management. Immensely. It's something that causes me stress almost every single day of my life. If I have e.g. a hospital appointment or job interview, I will be unable to sleep the night before and will be out of bed by probably 4am and ready to leave the house several hours head of time. Once the event is over and I can relax, 9/10 times I'll get a headache and be wiped out. Guaranteeing that I'll be on time for something literally dominates the entire day for me, takes 100% of my effort and renders me unable to focus on other tasks.

As I've got older, I've learned to give less of a shit about people who are determined to invent their own narrative about people who struggle to manage their time (they're lazy, they're entitled, they don't care about other people etc). You can see it in some of the replies here. I have no interest in changing people's opinions and if people who know me, don't know me well enough to understand that it's not a snub then they're not really important anyway. I don't worry about what those people think.

HOWEVER, at the same time I understand that this is my issue. I do expect the people who care about me to refrain from making inaccurate and unkind judgements RE the reasons for my persistent lateness, but I don't expect them to wait on me. I would avoid a situation like you describe, where someone was giving me a lift at a certain time, because I would know it would be difficult or impossible for me to achieve. If I was in that situation, I would probably have called at 9:30 and said "I'm not going to be ready, go without me". Given that MIL unfortunately doesn't do that, you are perfectly within your rights to let her know that, in the future, if she's not ready on time then you'll be going on without her. Or make arrangements to meet her there.

So I think you can approach the situation with compassion and understanding, whilst still not allowing MIL to inconvenience you.

I wonder if she's like my DH? He suffers from "the justs".
If I ask him if he's ready to leave the house he will say "yes. I just need to go to the toilet, do my hair and put my shoes on"

Every time, I tell him "then the answer is no, you are not ready"

Over time he's managing to see that he isn't ready. He genuinely thinks he is, but he actually has half an hour of stuff still to do. By recognising he isn't ready, it's helping him get ready on time as he's learning to allow more time for things.

I have to say it every time. You aren't ready if you still have stuff to do.

He's suspected ADHD.

Could this be your mil?

It’s fine to leave her behind, it really is.

I would leave without her. Really. Especially if you've said something to her before. People like this will never change if they keep getting away with it.

Yes, you need to practice leaving at the time you said you would. Eating without her. Going into events and telling her to find you. Getting on with your day and her learning she can’t control the start times, only miss out.

I think it’s about being in control and feeling more important than everyone else

I wouldn’t take her the next time

YANBU
It sounds as if her lateness is very consistent.
Of course any functioning adult can be on time, she is just choosing not to
I'd imagine she isn't consistently late for medical appointments / work / flights
You're just not important enough for her

We where once meant to be having a mates dog for a few days while he went away
I was at work at 8am,which meant getting up at 6:30
Got home just after 4pm-he was dropping the dog off at about 4:30
All fine and good
He finally showed at just after midnight!
I was fuming-its all laughed off as him being scatty-its not
He knows we'll hang around for him/people leave without him and he doesn't care
Drives me up the wall

(I should have got dp to just lock the door but he wouldn't as we where both looking forward to having the dog)

Stop waiting for her. She knows you'll wait so there is no incentive for her to not do what she wants.

Some time before 10.45. 🤦🏼‍♀️ before 9.45 would be perfect

Pick your battles... i have one friend like this & I generally just assume the trip will get extended by her faff time. Which is ok because we chat and hang out.

If my time is tight I make that clear and plan alternative events where she'll be left behind if not ready in time, or maybe I allow 5 minutes for faff is all.

Only had to leave her behind once and she's improved hugely since then.

My mum is like this. Kills me.

I've had to say "and I mean 9.45. I don't want you turning up late." Otherwise she fully believes that I mean some time before 9.45. But she will still be late.

Just tell her than when she does this it's annoying, messes up your plans and you feel disrespected. If she doesn't listen, don't make plans with her.

My ex was like this. I hate lateness and find it extremely rude. Learn to be on time. Its NOT hard. A grown adult doesn't need gentle pushing or pleading.

In your case. I'd leave without her. I've done that before now and didn't even bother to say twice. Same with meeting somewhere. If someone is late, after 30 mins I will no longer be there.

My sister was like this until we stopped pandering to her. We gave her ten minutes then would just go on with our plans without her.

It's amazing how quickly after we made that decision she was able to adapt and be on time. The alternative was having to get public transport or a taxi to where we were going (she doesn't drive so I always have her a lift) or she'd have to go hungry or grab a quick burger king because we went ahead with lunch before our shopping trip and she arrived too late to join us.

Presumably she didn’t see being early to the supermarket as a big deal. Is it in fact a big deal? Could you have gone to the supermarket rather than wait for her, then come back to get her?

Anyway, tell her it’s rude.

I'd have left her. If I'd arrived at an agreed time and someone said "I just need to eat and dry my hair," then I'd have said, "Ok, well if you're not ready I'll see you there if you want to join us".

And I'd have meant it. It's rude to keep people waiting. I absolutely agree with pp who said once she realises she's not that important she might change. If not, you'll be able to enjoy the day without her.

If the timing matters, then don't wait. Give advance warning, "If you're not there by x we'll carry on without you."

Not much to be done about today, but make no more plans where you're responsible for her transport, and carry on without her if she's not on time.

Yes meet her at venue. My friend is much better now. I used get fed up waiting. Her time management is casual! Op its a bad habit with them.

My dm is always late to meet up, etc too. However, she is never late to a doctors appointment or flight so she can be on time when she wants to.