MIL cannot be on time!

My in laws are like this, but it doesn’t bother me really. We always tell them to meet us there at xx time and we tell them an hour earlier than we’re actually meeting. Then they’re on time!
Next time, say you’re picking her up at 9.15am.

Without a damned good reason if someone isn't ready within 15 mins then I will go. Obviously when my kids were moving towards independence this meant for some tough calls. But I'm not minded to sit around waiting on someone who Obviously isn't that bothered. 15 mins is literally enough time for most people to get ready from scratch.

So if you recognise this, instead of giving yourself 8 minutes for every journey/task, give yourself 28 minutes. Make that the new default and you will either be on time or early. Problem solved?

This was my MIL. We would book tables for meals. She was always on time for drs dentist appointments. She used to blame her late DH,he worked shifts and ran like clockwork. One year,all my DH siblings and kids were invited for Christmas lunch. I said it would be on the table 2.30, to eat. No sign of them. I told them all,we are NOT holding on for her this time. We had quite a small conservatory,2 tables. I put place names out. I said everyone move one seat,they can sit on the end, she insisted squeezing past everyone eating to get to "her" chair. When my oldest DS got married,we held up the wedding 15 minutes for her, she didn't bother turning up at all. Asked her at the reception (which incidentally was at 5, she turned up at 2.30) she was extremely rude, claimed to have told me the previous night,that she wouldn't be at the ceremony,it wasn't true. Needless to say,that was the last straw, the last time we spoke.....14 years ago. (Not just because of the lateness,it was constant put downs and bullying)

I’ll swap u
mine turn up hours early for everything

the type of people who Que for the dinning room on holiday that’s open all evening for 6 hours in a half full hotel

I had a friend who used to do this so I stopped waiting. Miraculously she was able to be on time after that.

Have you left yet?

I'm getting better at time keeping. I never realised that it makes people feel that I thought their time was unimportant, it was not a conscious snub but I know better now.

I've worked hard to improve but it took someone to point it out to me.

Have a chat with her and make sure it's clear for future plans. From her response you will gauge if she can't be arsed in which case don't try. Tell her you will meet her there/ leave after 10 mins waiting for her, whatever you decide so she is clear. Then get on with your day
If you think she will make an effort then perhaps it's something to work on.

I stepped away from an attention seeking friend who was always late

She always said there was the time everyone else lived to and then there was “Jane time” (not her real name). And we are not talking a few minutes here and there. It’s like pp said it’s the “I just needed to do x,y,z first even though I knew you were waiting”

Was definitely a control and ego thing in her case.

Life is too short to be hanging about waiting on people who don’t give a toss about you. Would rather meet up with people who can actually be there on time which luckily other friends can be

My late MIL was like this. Absolutely refused to be hurried. One time my DH was taking her to her best friend’s 90th birthday party. DH knew it was a sit down meal but MIL was convinced it was a more casual affair and she could just turn up when she liked and nothing could persuade her otherwise. They ended up walking in just as the starters were being cleared away and best friend was really upset with MIL. She’d also stop to chat to neighbours on the way out to hospital appointments she was already late for.

So rude. You need to tell her and that you won't wait for her in future

Have you left yet @Happybakers ?

If not, I'd say "MiL, we spoke at 8:30 to say that we would collect you at 9.30 but you still weren't ready until X time. We're going to go now so that we don't miss out on the rest of our day. Perhaps next time, you might try to be ready to LEAVE at 9.30 as arranged?"

Or better yet, get your DP/DH to say it to his mother.

You need to have an agreed maximum time that you'll actually wait for her to get ready (though why you should even need that I don't know) and then when that time is up, you get up and you leave saying "We're off. We have tickets for X at Y time and can't wait for you any longer. Perhaps you'll make it for another time, yes?" and then leave. Go do your thing.

I have a 'friend' who was always late. For her it was an attention seeking thing I believe.

Once my family and hers were meant to share easter lunch at her mother's house. We were there at noon as requested. By 3 pm my friend still had not arrived. So her mother said that we would eat without her. Friend did not arrive until we had completely finished and were saying our goodbyes. She had a full on foot stamping screaming tantrum over it. How DARe we not wait for her. (Early 30s at the time).

She is still always late- but never more than about half an hour late again. Just enough to still have the attention on her, but not 5 hours late again.

(I am pulling away from this friendship. her attention-seeking and self centredness has finally strecthed my patience too far).

So rude. I'd be telling her she can come with wet hair now or meet us there.

I think you need to start drawing a line and not accomodating the lateness.

DH should tell her the lateness is bothering everyone and you're not going to wait her for from now on so can she please be one time or understand that people will carry on without her.

Me too - but I know this is how I am, so I use coping strategies to ensure I'm on time or, if not, it doesn't impinge on others. It takes a lot of mental energy to do it, but I've learned from MN that people see lateness as really rude, as though you think your time is more important than other people's, so I've made a huge effort to adjust my behaviour. I'm never late these days!

My mum is exactly like this and it infuriates me. There've been many times have had to call restaurants and change the booking because she's so late.
It's rage inducing!

Is she on time for other stuff? Eg doctors appointments or buses if she needs them?

As my mil is like this, last year we were on holiday and when we planned a trip ourselves (with our 6mo baby), she was ready an hour and a half after the time we said we needed to leave. This threw out the babies nap/feeding and it was so stressful. However, on the same holiday, she was ready to go at 7:30 for an 8am organised trip - where if she’d been late they would have left. It was then I realised that she can keep time, she just doesn’t for us.

What we (my partner agreed) do now is make anywhere we’re going a bit of a mystery. We won’t tell them exactly where it is, until they’re in the car and we send them the google link. Works a treat - as they don’t know if it’s 10 or 45 mins away. If they ask we say it’s not far, and we need to leave at X time.

We also now insist on taking separate transport in case we need to leave with the baby.

I had a friend like this,late for everything and very entitled attitude of people can wait.
When her son joined the same football team as mine she would ask for a lift.
I would go pick her up and they were not ready.
I changed it where they had to walk around to my house and I said I was leaving at a certain time.
If they were not her I drove off.
She turned up to a match late and complained that it had started without her son.

Agree with other posters,start leaving without her....oh you are not ready we will see you there,order food etc...she might make more effort when she sees the world doesnt revolve around her

Decide on a set waiting time and do not wait any longer.

"From now on MIL, (actually, I think your DH should maybe say it) we will wait 10 minutes over the agreed time and then leave."

And do it. She is always late because she doesn't value your time. Were her children never at school on time? Did those schools have to call in social services because MIL never picked them up for a good half hour after the school had closed each day? Did she never have a job? Has she seen a doctor? A dentist? Has she been to a cinema? Caught a train?

what was the agenda for the day? Who came up with it?

I think some people have different attitudes to how a day is structured. I don’t always think the person who likes to be rigid with timekeeping is ‘right’ and I know a lot of people who dictate that the day must start at x time, they have to be in the restaurant at y time, they need to get home at z time etc because that is their personal preference. The other people involved might not feel like that is the best flow of timings for the day, but because the organised planner types set things out in stone then they feel that to go against the formal arrangements is rude or disrespectful.

Same! To me the OP scenario is a chilled Sunday round the shops. What does 15 mins matter? Is she viewing it as a relaxed activity rather than a regimented schedule?

Some people get an ego boost out of making others wait for them. It shows that they think their time is more important than yours. By waiting for her you are confirming that.
I used to be rubbish at timekeeping when I w's young so I had a wash and wear hairstyle and regularly finished my makeup and put jewellery on on the bus, rather than have the embarrassment of keeping my friends waiting again. I certainly wouldn't expect people to wait while I did my hair.

Time to get firm OP

Depending what someone is late for!

Late for sitting and waiting in the car park?
Late to... Being early somewhere?
20 mins late to leaving house for a Sunday mooch about?
An hour later than planned starting/stopping gardening on a weekend?

Or:
Late to work?
Late to airport?
Late to doctors?
Late to something time-booked?
Late and leaving someone waiting in a restaurant, in the park, street or the like?

I'm never late to the latter scenarios.
I'm often "late" to former. I just can't be arsed time-keeping pointless stuff on my weekends or chill days.

Honestly I’d just go without her.

I agree. Consistently late people fall into two groups...the apologetic ADHD/disorganised types...and the selfish wankers who get a buzz out of keeping other people hanging about for them. She sounds like the latter.