Is It Time To End It?

I think OP might have noticed they were autistic after a ten year friendship 🤔

This is what he is like in a relationship some men are dicks as partners but great friends

It’s not working, and I doubt it can be fixed. I’d end it and move on.

End it now - it’s never going to work - what a loser

Oh my goodness op you have been together one year and he is like this to you?!?!

Belittling, sulking, criticising?!?!?

I have been married for over 30 years and not once had my DH ever done that to me!!!

My DH makes me laugh and makes me feel special and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside every single day.

Don't you feel you deserve a lovely partner in life then???

I would have ditched your toxic loser in less than a week if he had behaved like that to me even just once!!!

No man gets to ruin my life with crap and anyway, ai wanted a fantastic dh to have babies with so my standards were and are high.

Our 5 DC are pretty much grown up now and they love and appreciate having a fantastic dad.

You need to make sure if you have any DC you choose a man who idolises you and is hands on and listens to you and is kind and thoughtful.

Your dp could not be worse!!!!!

The man hasn't been diagnosed with an ASD. And are you really trying to tell a poster that she should just put up with being belittled, blamed, ignored & invalidated because her partner can't help being like that?

I'd say he is unpleasant. His reasons or excuses are barely relevant, OP's already gone above and beyond in clarifying her needs. They are still not being met.

As someone with autism I am incredibly disappointed to read your comment. He isn't unpleasant because he cannot change how he thinks. What an awful thing to say. Educate yourself.

All sounds like too much hard work though I find your communication style quite hard to understand in your posts.

It's not about "reading emotions ". It's about the fact he sulks and strops off when challenged. He sounds very immature and frankly, not terribly pleasant.

It's a shame when you've been friends a long time, but it sounds like you are better off being friends than partners.

This! I have posted once about dp in 13 years and that was for a hand hold when he was in the hospital as he is an accident magnet with fragile bird bones 🤣

If its at this point already op, then call it a day. Its not bloody worth it!

He's not going to change, so either you want to spend your life like this, or you don't.

My friends just got divorced for this same issue - she almost didn’t get married because of it and wishes she hadn’t. I’d ditch him.

It's only been a year, you are not married and you don't have kids, so why are you twisting yourself in knots trying to make this work?

It shouldn't be hard work like this. It sounds like more hassle and heartache than joy, what's the point in that?

What a dreamy relationship you have, a year in and you text each other instead of talking like adults. Not sure why your together tbh doesn't sound fun. Huffiness etc hmmmm maybe you need to split up

Any form of communication breakdown, including not taking the trouble or be bothered to find out if the person you care about is upset or stressed etc, needs to be taken seriously.

To me it's probably the number 1 priority and a sure fire signal if you're compatible or not.

The mitigation, of course, is any Neurodiversity and making adjustments for that, according to the person's preferred communication tendency.

i don't know your partner so it's difficult to comment but if there is no ND to be considered and they just don't feel the need to notice or care about finding out, I would say you aren't compatible and it will only get to be a bigger problem.

Some people just don't get the importance of being in-tune, and no matter how much you try to explain, it passes them by and it can batter your self-esteem. Conversely if you're with someone who you connect with emotionally it's transformational. It depends if you're prepared to compromise.

Let him go op. It shouldn’t be this hard a year in. The emotional side of a relationship is one of the most important bits! Much better things are ahead of you.

I don't think anyone should have to explain to a grownup how to behave.

So many using the disorder excuse for men who are just twats.

You can do better. Why put up with someone who refuses to meet your needs?

No, but there was a time when I would, but more out of defensiveness and (as I mentioned) frustration at the fact that I often seemed to lack the expected ability to see that something was wrong.

To be clear: I'm not saying that the OP's other half is autistic. It's a possibility, sure, but the thought experiment I mentioned might help clarify the OP's thoughts on it.

Of course, it might not help at all. I'm very used to that ;)

@xyxygy, are you constantly either sulking or putting your partner down, telling them what's wrong with them?

I have done my part so from experience can he not learn and also find ways to improve to meet my needs and wants?

Maybe it's as simple as: no. I constantly have to remind my DP that there isn't a sign on her head that tells me how she feels. Reading her body language or whatever else it is I'm supposed to interpret is a talent I just don't possess.

Thinking about it, before I was diagnosed autistic I often had much the same reaction as you say he does - not out of a lack of caring, but out of a frustration at my inability to see what everybody else clearly does.

The key point to think about, though, is this: imagine for a second that he was suddenly diagnosed with <some kind of atypical condition> that explains all of this. Would that change your mind? It's not wrong to say "No, I can't imagine having to verbalise my emotions all the time for the rest of my life" - that's a totally valid response, because it's a very tough adjustment and definitely not for everybody. The militant autistic community would obviously disagree, but they're usually not particularly realistic about this sort of thing.

Might be a useful thought experiment for you, though. If that is your genuine response after you've thought about it, then there really is no choice here other than a recognition that neither of you can give the other what they need, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. Sometimes, people just don't fit together.

Very much this.

Never mind all the bickering about using your words, this is the killer imo: He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something.

So he's basically "I love everything about you except this, this, that, and here's a few other things"? Yeah, I think you deserve to be appreciated not corrected.

As neither of you appear to be giving what the other needs it probably is time to call it a day.

I haven't said you're not meeting his needs anywhere else - I'm saying that you're asking him to do something that he can't do unless you tell him what's wrong, but you're unwilling to tell him what's wrong. That's an immovable object/unstoppable force problem, for which there is no resolution.

You say that you've been telling him when something's wrong - does he act in a caring way when you do that, once he knows what's going on? Or, more to the point, does he try to?

I've been married for 23 years, and I still wouldn't be able to tell what's going on if my DP didn't tell me. I might get a vague idea that something's off, but I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a bit of a headache and the verge of a mental breakdown without it being signposted. On the other hand, I always know when a bipolar episode is on the way because there are a very specific set of behaviours involved that I can categorise and identify with the weird pattern recognition thing my brain does. Some things are easy, others are not...and, for NT people, the difference between the two makes absolutely no logical sense.

How, exactly, do you know that he's not undiagnosed ND? Has he had an assessment and been told he's not?

Regardless of the answer to that question...seems to me you've already decided it's over, and - if you're not willing to give those verbal signposts for the rest of the relationship - then you're 100% right about that.

For what it's worth, I've not said any of this in judgement of you, just as an objective conclusion from what I know thus far (and obviously without the context of the relationship itself). Please don't take it personally, because it's genuinely not intended that way.

I think you're both right, his brain from what you've said clearly functions very differently through no fault of his own and you are entitled to feel and want certain things in a relationship. As you are unwilling to be more understanding of his own emotional comprehensions or rather lack of, it means you are not compatible and should probably just call time on the situation before either of you becomes more emotionally invested.