Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday accommodation & DD

242 replies

PotsAndDishes · 17/04/2023 13:03

Before I roll out my picnic blanket to sit on the proverbial hill I’m choosing to metaphorically die on, AIBU?

We’re going away on holiday with extended family in June. Accommodation is a large villa with additional connected apartments, but with separate entrances. There’s also a pool which is unfenced. Current proposal is that those with young kids (<3) take the apartments, thus ring fencing the kerfuffle at 6:30am when they all wake up, and letting those in the main house get a bit of a holiday lie in.

I have said, OK, makes sense but obviously either DH or I will effectively go to bed with DD (2) each night because I don’t want to leave her by herself in a different building (separate entrances) with potential hazards around (unfenced pool, one apt is up stone steps with a balcony, what if the air con catches fire).

According to the in-laws, I’m being TOTALLY unreasonable, PFB-esque, nothing will happen to her, just lock all of the doors so she can’t get out, it’s no different to her being asleep upstairs in the house, I’m creating a rod for my own back, just whack on a baby monitor, blah blah blah.

So, AIBU? Should I chill out, take the monitor, hope it stretches and enjoy my evenings in the main villa?
Or AINBU and leaving a 2 year old asleep locked in a different building isn’t really OK?

OP posts:
MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 14:02

If I want your guidance on what to post @AlltheFs I'll ask. Otherwise back off.

I'm fine with stressing repeatedly this often tragically overlooked aspect of child safety.

This thread is about the safety of the child isn't it?

It seems the OP is really focusing on the wrong aspect of risk here, and dismissing the glaring awful potential risk.

Many countries will only allow rented villa's to have fenced and alarmed (both together) pools because of the risk of utter tragedy.

It's much more common than abduction which we irrationally over focus on.

Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:56

Hadtocomment · 18/04/2023 12:37

I think you're being a bit unreasonable in bringing down the wrath of Mumsnet on poor Uncle Eric when it doesn't even sound like he's the one pressurising you and sounds like he's great with your DD which is surely worth its weight in gold.

I suspect your comment came across a bit passive aggressive on Whatsapp and made the others feel weird. It does a bit like "Ok well we'll just have to not join you then" sort of thing. Maybe whatsapp is not the best place for these sorts of discussions. Just say "look it's my decision and I honestly don't mind, let's drop it now" or something. But it sounds to me like you do mind, and were being a bit passive aggressive as the odd (irrelevant) remarks about Uncle Eric's loft apartment and blissfully child-free lifestyle makes clear. It's not fair to resent others for having different lifestyles or priorities.

But it is also unreasonable of them to say you have to do things a particular way or should put your child in another space when you aren't comfortable with this. They are (presumably) feeling guilty and this might be making them come across more controlling than necessary.

Why not just speak on the phone or something and either work out something you're happy with for your own small family unit and tell them (and tell them you're happy with that. Closed discussion) or suggest a different overall plan that takes into account everyone's different wants and needs as much as possible.

I've been the single person kind of left to entertain kids for hours on end in these kind of group situations and sometimes I've ended up feeling a bit resentful that the parents see it as a chance for some babysitting and don't even talk to me much or check if I need a break either, like I should just be there entertaining their children because I don't have any. I don't mind for a while and I'm quite good with children, but it's the assumption by the parents and the kind of, yes, slightly entitled attitude that gets to me. A bit of acknowledgement even would be nice sometimes. I'd say if you have a popular Uncle Eric type willing to put the hours in in the day with your DD and she adores him and he adores her, then that's really great for you and your husband and your DD and I wouldn't be resenting him his lie-ins or late-night socialising just because he isn't a parent the rest of the time. It's maybe because he's not a parent himself that he can give so much attention to DD also which is lovely for her now and hopefully in the future too. The fact he wants some adult time also on holiday isn't a crime.

Uncle Eric is absolutely not the put-upon babysitter, left to fend for himself for hours on end as I pour myself gin after gin and scroll endlessly through my phone. He has a nice thing going with DD of approx 15 mins spending time together during a day which works for them both, satisfying her need for some attention from him and leaves him with the rest of a 14 hour day for non-toddler time.

Uncle Eric is absolutely entitled to his holiday lie in’s, no question about it. He also would like one of the bigger, nicer rooms in the villa (which is why he’s taking on the accommodation planning - we know this, he’s not shy about it) which means that, to manage these two things, the little kids go into the studios. I don’t think he’s getting a bad deal to be honest - no expectation to play Mary Poppins, a daily lie in, a nice room with a sea view, the ability to get up & come downstairs or go to bed on his own timetable.

And to be fair to him, all he has done is put people in accommodation based on what he thinks works best for the majority-adult group. It’s FIL who has the most to say about the idea of not letting DD sleep alone in a different building.

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 18/04/2023 13:52

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:50

I'm afraid no one watches their child 24/7.

You'll undoubtedly glance away when someone talks to you, you've dropped something, nip to fetch something just in the other room , whatever. Something will make you look away.
You just cannot guarantee you can watch a child completely 24/70 to be sure they won't go near the death trap in the garden.

You wouldn't risk a house with a 200ft hole in the garden or one with a fast road running through the garden, but we have a false sense of security with pools because they're nice.

A pool should be fenced off to access to children accept for when they are being closely supervised by adults.

You seem amazingly blasé about an unfenced pool considering you are worrying about leaving them when sleeping (which I also wouldn't do.)

Show quote history

Yoy’ve made your point several times. Just drop it. If @PotsAndDishes wants to ask you about pool safety I’m sure she will. Back off.

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:51

except

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:50

PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:32

Nah, not really. It’s going to be a week of sharing space with people of differing opinions & parenting styles, 6am starts and watching DD like a hawk 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t make a beeline to the unfenced pool.

Show quote history

I'm afraid no one watches their child 24/7.

You'll undoubtedly glance away when someone talks to you, you've dropped something, nip to fetch something just in the other room , whatever. Something will make you look away.
You just cannot guarantee you can watch a child completely 24/70 to be sure they won't go near the death trap in the garden.

You wouldn't risk a house with a 200ft hole in the garden or one with a fast road running through the garden, but we have a false sense of security with pools because they're nice.

A pool should be fenced off to access to children accept for when they are being closely supervised by adults.

You seem amazingly blasé about an unfenced pool considering you are worrying about leaving them when sleeping (which I also wouldn't do.)

Strawberrydelight78 · 18/04/2023 13:47

No I wouldn't but my children could have slept anywhere at that age. If they were tired at the entertainment of an evening they would nap in they're buggy. I wouldn't stop my evening at 7pm so they can go to bed.😂They're routine goes out the window on holiday.

HalebiHabibti · 18/04/2023 13:43

Maybe a message along the lines of "Thanks all for your thoughts, but we're going to go ahead with what works for us. If you disagree then that's fine, but please let's not argue about it. The holiday will be fun for all, I am sure :)"

legoohno · 18/04/2023 13:39

YANBU. We go abroad often and always have early nights with the children as there is absolutely no way I'd leave them alone. I know this isn't forever and they'll be older before I'd like!

Sugarfree23 · 18/04/2023 13:35

Firstly decide do you want your own space to chill.
If so, say no more about it.

Do you want to be with ILs 24/7, get DH to push to have a room in the villa.

Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:32

NotQuiteHere · 18/04/2023 11:46

You seem already pretty wound up. Are you sure you want this holiday?

Nah, not really. It’s going to be a week of sharing space with people of differing opinions & parenting styles, 6am starts and watching DD like a hawk 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t make a beeline to the unfenced pool.

OP posts:
Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:30

niugboo · 18/04/2023 11:31

How would this be improved in the main villa?

I don’t have an issue being in the main villa to be honest. I’d just rather not be accused of spoiling my child and being overbearing because I’d prefer to keep her company in the studio vs leaving her alone.

I figure the main villa would essentially be like having a big house - if someone came into the house, you’d probably know about it, sound would travel more easily etc. The studio is akin to putting her to bed in our house and going to the one across the road for the evening.

OP posts:
RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 13:23

"Or take a travel bed and she sleeps on someone’s room until bedtime.
also suggest she has a sleepover on one of the first nights with an adult in the main house so you get a lie in and they realise what you’re up against!"

Wtf. Why is it their problem? The OP has a kid so her and her husband will have to look after it, I'm sure the in-laws will let their niece nap on their bed without the OP passive aggressively ramming a travel cot in their room.

LaylaLjungberg · 18/04/2023 13:22

As a single no kids I’d happily squirrel away in an apartment and let the families have the big house. You can then retreat and let the families get on with stuff.

WhiteBobbin · 18/04/2023 13:20

Or take a travel bed and she sleeps on someone’s room until bedtime.
also suggest she has a sleepover on one of the first nights with an adult in the main house so you get a lie in and they realise what you’re up against!

WhiteBobbin · 18/04/2023 13:19

I’d suggest switching to the main house and fun uncle can stay and another couple and those most bothered by kid noise get the apartments.
I’d just repeat you’re uncomfortable until you get there and you will bring a monitor but most likely not leave her until you can assess. Then you can change you mind if you’re sitting out in the garden and feel you can see the door and not if not.

YouWithoutEnd · 18/04/2023 13:11

Have you in laws never heard of Madeline McCann?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2023 13:07

I suppose at least with the studio you know the door is locked to the pool. No guarantee in a big villa that everyone would be as conscious of keeping the doors locked to the pool area.

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:05

PegasusReturns · 18/04/2023 13:01

Oh and having lived in a house with a (fenced) pool, an unfenced pool during the day would be a far greater concern than anything else

This is very true.

Nearly all the tragedies are during the day and with parents who thought they were attending carefully.

An unfenced pool near a house, with young children is madness.

PegasusReturns · 18/04/2023 13:01

Oh and having lived in a house with a (fenced) pool, an unfenced pool during the day would be a far greater concern than anything else

TeenagersAngst · 18/04/2023 13:00

It sounds like this is an in-laws holiday?

Where is DH in all the drama? Tell him to tell his family to pipe down and let a grown woman decide what she wants to do on her holiday.

PegasusReturns · 18/04/2023 12:57

It really depends on the layout and set up and what actually happens on the night.

I would absolutely sit in the garden having drinks for example with my DC in a building of which I could not see the entrance for example. I know a lot of people would not.

if the plot was independent, fenced and gated I might leave DC unattended in an adjacent building if I was certain they could not get into the pool - that would be my main concern.

I live in a property whereby I could be in the TV room and someone could theoretically enter through the front door and access some bedrooms without me seeing/ hearing or there could be a fire in one part of the house with me being none the wiser. Because our property is walled and gated and has alarms I don’t worry about intruders or fires

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 12:50

Fences and alarms for the pool that is.

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 12:49

I'm sorry to be dramatic about it but I have personal experience of the danger of children and water and there are many many examples of holiday tragedies.

So if she sleeps in a cot in the big house while you're all drinking and chatting, what if she wakes up and wanders outside?
You are not likely to be locking yourselves in and noone is going to be constantly watching a sleeping child.

When mine were young we only ever went to villas with fences and alarms.

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 12:44

I wouldn't take a 3 year old to a villa with an unfenced pool.

I actually feel panicky thinking about it.

You only have to look away for a minute.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 12:43

Was it an off the cuff remark though? You've replied to them saying you families with kids take the self contained apartments with "OK, makes sense but obviously either DH or I will effectively go to bed with DD (2) each night".

You're throwing your toys out because you didn't get what you want. No need for dramatics and laying out of toddler beds Confused. Either stick her in someone else's bed til you're ready to leave or in a pushchair. Your threat of pumping her full of sugar to get back at them is very telling.

Swipe left for the next trending thread