Relatives Overload

This is what DH's family does. Caused a lot of tension when we were first living together and then married as his mother's trip to visit - all 6-8 weeks of it - was not only considered a totally normal thing that no one could complain about, no one seemed to think that a discussion with us about when it was convenient was necessary.... even though she expected to stay with us. On one memorable occasion, I wasn't even told she was coming (to be fair, neither was DH) until about 6 weeks before. But that actually worked in our favour as we'd booked a lovely holiday and DH 100% stepped up and told her that it's not our fault we weren't going to be there for half her trip - if she'd bothered to communicate with us, this wouldn't happen.

I know now that this sort of attitude is surprisingly common. Sigh.

OP- you need better guidelines for visitors about what you can and can't do. And, assuming it's DH's family, he needs to step up more.

We live somewhere similar to you — the kind of place people go on holiday to. For the first few years we had the same situation. My partner would blithely invite anyone who expressed the vaguest interest to come and stay. I'm the better cook and it was always me who was expected to cater and also, because I was working from home, do the lion's share of cleaning and preparation.

We kept it up for about four years and then I decided I'd had enough. We were spending a small fortune driving people around and showing them the sights. I let the food and cleaning standards drop and started saying that I wasn't going to accompany them to various places. But they still kept coming and I felt increasingly stifled. It's no a big house, it was difficult to escape.

So we built a cabin in the garden: quite basic but comfortable, and now they go there and do their own cooking and we meet up a couple of times a day and go out for dinner every two or three evenings, go out together when we all want to. It works. The people who came to be waited on hand and foot don't come any more. The people who do tend to be a bit more generous with us because they see the place as free holiday accommodation, not just staying in our house. It's worked out well and we occasionally let it out commercially to friends of friends, too, which helps keep the running costs low. But I still have to go down to the orchard, sun or rain, and clean the place and make beds...

BRAVO 👏👏

YABU for doing something you don't want in the first place.

Say no, or get DH to do the hosting, or drop your standards.

Bad morning!! Perhaps a little harsh, do wonder how these visits come about though, do the relatives simply tell you when they are coming OP and you agree?

Also, thinking about though, in your defence, you clearly also have CF family members. We've all got the friends/ family who turn up, eat our food, sleep in our beds but can't even be bothered to unload the dishwasher. While other friends/family get stuck in and are a pleasure to have around.

We had friends visiting from another country once in the middle of a heatwave. I came home from work one day to find they'd mowed the lawn, bought and prepared dinner and had a glass of ice cold glass of wine waiting for me. That felt above and beyond requirements but I was super grateful!

We lived abroad and had quite a lot of visitors. It is difficult because you are the ones who have moved away so feel an obligation to maintain the relationship.

Some people are good at being houseguests and some just aren't. DPIL were good at it. They would make a good contribution to the housekeeping. They would do some babysitting gladly and were just happy to come along for the ride.

DM was not a good houseguest. Her contribution to a week's housekeeping was to pay for a takeaway which we wouldn't have had if she wasn't there. She didn't want to babysit and would make quite a lot of fuss if asked to do it.

She always complained that coming to stay with us was expensive. Not sure how, the only outlay was the train ticket from the airport to our town. We paid for flights and DFIL drove her to/from the airport!

Cripes, now that is really tacky behaviour.

I hope you repeated what was said.

My friend was too soft with her holiday home to family and in laws.

Several times her PITA bit of a bully BIL and his wife had left a mess.

She told her husband NEVER again and she would insist they sell it rather than have them use it again.

They took it badly and they were off with her for years, which she took as a huge win.

They dramatically reduced the loaning of it by renting it out, which was a nice little earner for them.

1. Your DH should do more.
2. As others have said, use your words.

Based on your op, I suspect it's not the same people every time. So everyone just thinks it's them and it's one week a year and no big deal.

You need to say something. Doesn't have to be a big deal - "right, if you want to come down next month, we'd love to see you. With so many visitors all the time I can't really take more time off work etc etc, so I suggest you hire a car when you get here and let's agree a rota for meal prep? I am usually done at work early on a Tuesday and Thursday so I'll make sure to shop/cook those days. Are you okay with Wednesday and Friday or do you want to go out those days?"

I do get it's hard. I nearly went into orbit when I discovered my relative, to save a bit of cash had taken public transport and therefore didn't have a car seat soo we HAD to take them to the airport at 6:30 on a school day. I was livid at the sense of entitlement. But I can assure you, it won't be happening again as I was polite but firm that next time, they need their own car seat so they can take a cab.

Wow @Prettybutdumb your BIL sounds like quite the charmer. I'm not surprised you stopped having guests after that.

Blimey, are you having a bad morning? Or are you a relative that is worried that your free-loading holidays may be coming to an end?

Your kindess/generosity is just being taken advantage of. And people don't realise that it's not just them you're hosting, it's lots of others. You aren't just hosting, you're financially providing for people who are showing you no respect at all.

Perhaps you need to start booking return visits and treat them the same way?

Buy a caravan and install a coin electric meter. Tell visitors to bring their own bedding & food, and make their own travel arrangements. Tell them that you've done it to give them a more relaxing self contained space. You can also rent it out for extra income to pay for it if you wanted to.

Exactly. Or if you really want to give them a bill, you'll make some extra income.

Why don’t you visit them instead?

Tell your friends your house has developed rats/asbestos/subsidence and cannot be lived in at present, so you will be coming to stay with them.

Are they coming for a free holiday or are they coming to see you?
If they’re coming from so far away to see you, is it likely that their travel costs would be as much as you are spending?
Is it easier for you if they come to you rather than the other way round - ie, not having to put dogs in kennels etc?
Do you enjoy having them?

I live miles away from family and it’s very rare to have guests as they all live closer so I tend to go there to see them all. But I actually really miss doing the hosting.
How about having them but for shorter periods, and getting them to make up their own beds etc

I suspect you wouldn’t feel as smug about your house and land if you didn’t have people coming to visit, the fact you spend money catering for people just shows you are buying into it and get something out of it.

Definitely ration visits and state requirements about payment/food budgets/cleanliness for longer stays where they are just using you as a base for a holiday. If they don't agree or step up then they ABU and don't get to come (again).

We were in the same situation, huge groups with children coming to visit constantly. Very often they were too many to pick up from the airport in our car and paid for 1-2 large taxis. During one Christmas + New Year break my sister said to her husband ‘This is such a superb brandy, must cost a fortune!’. He replied, word for word in front of me ‘Fuck ‘em, they can afford it!’. That was the last time we ever had guests over, I think it was 4 years ago. We also converted our spare bedrooms into walk-in wardrobes, study and play rooms for the children. We have zero extra beds in the house.

YABU in that you aren't forced to agree to each and every visit. Lots of excellent suggestions already of what you could say to put a stop to all the visits.

Tell them you love them dearly and want them to visit but you will be working most of the time and don't want rest of it taken up driving. Yes on your days of you can go off for day on one of them but you need a day off too. They will need to be happy helping clean, cook and even rent a car if they're flying in. Treat it as self catering not a freebie.

I know how hard it can be to just say no.
in this situation, to cut and break the expectation and continuity I'd say that you're planning on doing work on the house/garden for the next year so not commiting to having any guests during that period. You don't have to go through with it, perhaps availability or finances didn't allow in the end.
Then make a plan about how to say no or manage it longer term.

This every time

OP, stop stewing and speak up to your relatives - you and your husband, both.

If you aren't firm and clear about protecting your time, energy and funds people will continue to trample all over your life. You and DH get together and put some strong boundaries up and support each other in defending them to repulsing people, however nice, who just want to freeload. If you both do nothing, nothing will change. 🌹