Relatives Overload

No suspect she’s logged off to welcome the next coach load 😂

As they say on MN, ‘No’ is a complete sentence !! It’s your home, not a holiday let and you need to tell them that nicely, but in terms they will understand. Tell them you and DH work full time, and you’re not up to acting as hosts in your leisure time on every major holiday. Your DH will have to man up and get on board with it too - you need to present a united front and tell them that you love them and want to see them, but on your own terms and when it’s convenient for you.

OP?

Well, to be honest it isn't always me. I'd say it's a 70:30 split, partly because I'm the one on the premises and partly because my partner's one of those people who doesn't see mess and dirt and missing towels or full rubbish bins — and she's a woman, can't blame it on testosterone.

I know that it can be difficult to say no to family members who want to stay, OP, because that can have knock-on effects throughout the rest of the family. I suggest lining up your excuses well in advance of being asked and agreeing with your DH that next Easter, for example, you are hosting some mythical old work colleagues or university friends and so, sorry, not this time.

If it's your DH's relatives coming, tell him he's got to sort them all out, do cleaning, cooking, ferrying etc. He won't believe you of course, won't do anything and will expect you to step up. Which you mustn't. You'll be working very very hard. So his family will arrive with no lift, no delicious food, no beds set up. Reckon that'll be the last of it.

Either say no or say that you don’t have enough holidays and you are very busy at work. Tell them while they are welcome to come, they will have to entertain themselves, feed themselves and get themselves about.

Most people work hard to get why they want. Can you afford to host them but just don't want them there? Why the hell does the husband not do much?

I have friends who live in a picturesque area that have lots of requests for visits.

They have strict rules that they tell people:
3 nights max stay (longer if they are travelling from abroad and they like them).
Guests pay for one meal out or cook themselves.
Guests need to host themselves on at least 1 day as they have jobs that they need to do.
They don't do long transfers, I think they do pick up from the local town.
They also tell people 'No' if it doesn't suit them.

My suggestion is draw up your own list that suits you and start telling people. Just say it's because you get so many requests and you have busy lives.

Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked!

Nice use of the passive there. Who is booking them? How do they get booked? They can't get booked unless someone says yes to the booking.
Just say no for goodness sake.
At the beginning of each year agree with your husband when you will book holiday time for you as a family - and that includes holidays at home. Decide which bank holiday weekends you want to spend together as a family. And "book" all of these in your calendar. That means none of these can "get booked" by other people. Both you and DH say, no, sorry we aren't available on those dates.

If you do still want to have a few selected people to stay from time to time they can come at another time but you need to be absolutely clear that you won't be picking them up from the airport or catering for them or driving them around places. If they want to come, they can, but you will be working and while you'll be able to spend some time with them they need to be self-sufficient. They will need to hire a car or use public transport.

I live abroad in a nice place and I find that a lot of people don't seem to understand (or don't want to understand) that I have a normal life like everyone else and that includes work, but other commitments such as musical groups too and I can't just stop working or pull out of activities where I am needed because someone wants to visit.

Don't book time off work and then tell them a couple of weeks beforehand you haven't got time off and you suggest they hire a car at airport. If it's DH's family/friends coming some of the time, he really needs to help get things ready beforehand and help while they're with you. Keep meals as simple as possible. Don't feel under pressure to put extras on the table, ie if only have cereal for breakfast, don't go doing toast, a fry up or if you don't have puddings, don't offer them. The novelty might wear off with some of them.

No, they live in a flat by the sea and although they had the other sisters over in the summer we were never invited because ‘we are probably used to more space’. It’s fine, I can’t say we are devastated. If we want a break we simply book a holiday somewhere.

our in-laws live in a different country, and my sister lives outside of the UK

to make visits work (both ways) we always;

• hire cars or get taxis to pick and drop at airport, or dh will go with fil if he’s here by himslef
• check dates for visits
• we always buy groceries, get takeout and offer to cook when we stay at the IL’s, and usually buy 6 bottles of wine for a thank you / for drinking
• do our own thing when we go there, but invite them along
• offer to take them places here for a day or so, rest of the time, give them a key and any useful info (transport tips, stuff to do etc)

people easily forget that you actually have to work and don’t have limitless holiday just cos they’re there. You need to explain this before they arrive!

@Prettybutdumb did these paragons ever invite you to stay? So glad you cut them off!

At that time my sister shrieked almost admiringly to him ‘You’re so baaaad!’

After we cut them off we met again on neutral ground at a wedding. We were seated together and she drunkenly shouted and pointed at my husband ‘He hates guests!! Admit it, you hate having people over.’ Well, we do now.

Don't take AL. Let them come to visit but make it clear you are not around to be a tour guide or their personal chef as you need your AL for YOUR holidays.

Tell them they need to drive to you or hire a car from the airport so they can go out in the daytime and (hopefully) eat out too.

Agree to cook a maximum number of meals to eat together - eg no more than 2 if they're coming for a week.

If they don't like the new rules they don't have to come.

We have family near a popular holiday resort (2 lots of family). We have stayed for up to a week at a time but mostly 2 nights. We always take our hosts out for a meal or cook a meal for them. We go out with them if they want to come but otherwise we make ourselves scarce in the daytime. We always wait to be invited. We always go armed with wine/beer and local goodies.

Your visitors are CFers and will continue to be so whilst you facilitate it.

@Pluvia

But I still have to go down to the orchard, sun or rain, and clean the place and make beds...

Why can't your partner do that? I get you're WFH but that doesn't mean it's you who has always to do those chores - especially if it's your partner doing the inviting? Or maybe charge the guests for a cleaning/housekeeping fee? 🌹

You just need to be a bit creative and put yourself first. If you don’t want them to come, say you’re away, got a bug, got no hot water as boiler is dodge. If you want them to come but the airport pick up annoys you, say yes to the staying but will need to get here yourself as you need to wait in for Sky man or doctors appointment. Just don’t be as accepting.

YABU to agree to host and then simmer in silent resentment. Just say "no" or "one week only" or "£20 per person per night" or address whatever is bothering you.

Just start saying no. and if guests do come, then stop running around after them. Don't pick them up from the airport, don't ferry them around to activities.

They keep coming because you are so accommodating.

Also, advise them that they will need to bring their own food with them, or stock up when they get here.

They will stop coming when they can no longer freeload

Was it a glass of Sauvignon Blanc by any chance?

@Prettybutdumb

my sister said to her husband ‘This is such a superb brandy, must cost a fortune!’. He replied, word for word in front of me ‘Fuck ‘em, they can afford it!’. That was the last time we ever had guests over, I think it was 4 years ago.

What a nasty person your BIL is! I'm glad he's shot himself in the foot and brought an end to his freeloading. Sad for the others affected but at least you now have freedom from people taking you and your hosting for granted. 🌹

Not sure what to say to you. I'd tell you to say no but then you say want to see them all.

Why don't you have a policy of only letting people stay if they've reciprocated and had you stay and hosted you well, with lots of good food?

So a stay for every stay approach?

I think you should carry on the same way you have been. When you and your husband retire in a few years, invite yourselves to stay with all the relatives who have been visiting you. They will be obligated to feed you and show you around.😀You might as well get something out of the situation!!

If only the English language had a word that meant the opposite of Yes, all your problems would be solved.