Relatives Overload

If they invite themselves they can hire a car, buy their own food and make their own beds surely.

Just say no.@

YABU for having the word mug stamped on your head.

If it’s DHs family, tell him to help prepare for their arrival and entertain them and cook for them

If you want a contribution to the costs, ask for it

If you don’t want them coming, say no

Oh, and suggest they hire a car!

So, I have a similar issue, in that my family are 300 miles away. Usually I go and stay with them. They can say no though! And we have long negotiations about dates!
You also need to think - if they didn't come to visit you, would you go there? It costs me £300 in train fare every time I take my kids to go to visit our far away family. So I'm grateful when they do come to me, and happy to see them. And I look on some of the extra catering costs as worth it because it saves me the time, hassle and expense of travelling to see them! I tend to suck up the extra expense of food - they buy treats, meals out, bottles of wine. And vice versa when I go to them.
This sounds like something you just need to have an honest conversation about! You can say no, if the dates aren't convenient. Discuss food cost - perhaps do an online grocery shop together? Tell them that you want to get in things they like/treats, and then split the bill?

It’s not healthy for you to be spending all your free time / annual leave and special holidays entertaining others at the expense of your well-being and finances. For a start stop doing the airport pick ups and stop taking leave from work when they visit. Make it clear you will be out at work so they will have to transport themselves around, do their own shopping, entertain themselves and cook and clean. If you feel awkward just say you weren’t able to get annual leave at that time. I think this will cut down your number of visits dramatically and hopefully you will enjoy the fewer visits or the weekend days they are around when you are off and probably feel more like catching up and going out with them.

Just say you have plans or you’re not feeling up to it (say work has been extremely busy and stressful if you want an excuse). I would never expect family to host us all the time, especially if you both work full time.

Best thing is always honesty then you dont have to make up excuses-you need a quiet bank hols, Xmas etc every once in a while (or someone else to host!).

I’m thinking they are probably thinking the cost of their flights is their contribution towards seeing you and the hosting costs yours maybe ? The key question is whether you want to see them and then whether the hosting versus flight and travel cost is actually a fair division. If you don’t want to see them or the costs are unfair then say something

YADNBU!!!

I would have a complete reset for at least a year - say no to everyone. This will help avoid any issues about favouritism and also get them all thinking about their alternatives.

Then you can start fresh and set firm boundaries - only a certain number of family hols (maybe 2-3 a year), maximum length of stay specified by you, no time off to act as tour guide and they arrange their own transfers to/from the airport. These things are all completely reasonable.

You can say ‘no’, ask them to contribute financially or ask for housework/cooking help. Stop being such a martyr. You really don’t have to do this.

This summer I reckon you'll be doing a tour of the UK.

Dear Friends and family

You have spent so much time with us that we thought it only fair we did the travelling this time and came to see you. Also it will be wonderful to have a break from hosting and for us to see other bits of the country.

We thought we would do a tour of the country and spend 2-3 nights with each of you. Our proposed itinery is:

2-4 August Fred and family
4-7th August Jane and co
7-10th Augst Simon and family
10th - 14th August Julia
14-17 Diana and George

We can't wait to see you all. Obviously we can swap the dates around a bit.

All the best

Autumneqinox and DH

PS we've decided not to have any visitors this year ourselves

I think you should have a good hard think about the alternative: Seeing family much less, and family probably feeling like they're not very welcome, with decades of retirement ahead of you in this remote place.

There's a hundred ways to get rid of the small annoyances of these visits. Say no once in a while, and explain you can't spare the time to act as tour guide.

Do people think that because they have flown to see you that they owe you nothing?

Do you also visit them?

I've voted ' YABU' as you have brought this on yourself by allowing it to happen.

Of course people are going to use you as a free holiday if you don't say otherwise. Times are hard, they might think you are loaded and are doing a favour to family and friends to help out.

As someone has mentioned earlier, it would take one email ( BCC everyone) or a WhatsApp message to say "unfortunately we will not be hosting this year as we would like to save the money that it costs, but it will be lovely to be hosted or to visit you this year "

Er, dont have them stay then? Say no? With regards to your DH not helping I don't know what to say. I am starting to think I need me a wife.

Do you think
if you lived in some bog average town ,in a normal house they would be so desperate to come and stay with you
it’s not you they want
it’s a free holiday,
fed and watered ,ferried about ,
what’s not to love

That’s hilarious
it’s your home ,just say no

I had this problem. In the 2.5 years that we have lived in a holiday destination we have had around 200 nights of guests. They are almost all family. Some have stayed as long as 5 weeks and 99% of them make zero contribution and no effort to help with tidying. I have only one relative on my side of the family who makes a real effort. They have sometimes arrived with boisterous pets in tow and the one arrived and announced they were homeless and unable to leave. I work from home and the disruption was huge. So I finally put my foot down and texted them all saying that going forward we would appreciate if stays are limited to 5 nights and explained how disruptive it is. It was surprisingly graciously received so we’ll see how long it lasts…

@Autumnequinox I think people are being very harsh on you. As a woman I know how we are socialised to facilitate people. At first we really don't mind so much and we Don't realise where it will lead but after a while we get sick of it.

now it's time to switch it up. I feel you wouldn't mind people coming if it wasnt such hard work?. I would start making it less like a hotel for them. Tell them your holidays are used up so can't take Time off. Show them the hoover and the sheets and make them clean their own room becauseyou have been full on at work so ur so tired. Ask them to cook. Ask them to buy food. They can't expect you to be a free catered holiday forever.

This will continue for as long as you allow it to.

If you want to see them, send them a list of air bnbs.

We have exactly the same thing. I feel your pain. I have two rules that keep me sane. I say that I don't have enough holiday to take the full stay's time off other than maybe a long weekend but they're still welcome to stay as long as they like. For some of them I'll take a long weekend but not always. That means people are more likely to hire a car etc and entertain themselves.
And I also make sure I visit them in return with that saved holiday. Which is expensive obviously but it means the load is shared.
Even so I find it too much some years but I totally understand that you don't want to say a flat no as it's the only time you see people. It's just a case of setting some boundaries I suppose.

I kind of get this - it's lovely to see them but they don't appreciate the effort and you are glad when they are gone.

We've also got a big house, just the two of us, so it's seen as fair game. We only have one spare room though - one's a study, the attics are 'still being sorted out'....so we've limited guests that way.

I think you probably just have to say it's lovely but say you can only spare a few days - would love to meet up somewhere else.

OP, not sure if you're still reading... I voted YABU because this is a nice problem to have: people I love want to visit me frequently at my beautiful home so that we can spend time together.

Your problem is (I think?) that they are coming too often, expecting too much driving (airport transfers and sightseeing) and not contributing fairly to the food costs.

ALL OF THESE ARE VERY FIXABLE!
Tell them no sometimes when you need a break. You control your diary, not them.
Tell them you aren't available for all the driving - need to work or need a break - they are welcome to come but need to rent a car at the airport.
Tell them you'd appreciate a contribution of £xxx for the food shop, and share the receipt to prove your spend so they can see it's reasonable.
Then anyone who doesn't come with those boundaries in place either misses out on seeing you, or invites you to visit them!

Be kind but assertive. Let them know that you love them and love spending time with them but also need to get your work done, have some downtime, and share costs fairly. If they've got a problem with that then it's their problem, not yours.

Best of luck!

“Oh lovely we’d love to see you, we’ll come to you this year though, we’d like a change of scenery and it’ll save you the travelling. We’ll let you know what time to collect us from the airport/station.”