Relatives Overload

OP, I get the impression that this isn't going to end, not sure why you posted about it. I think you're afraid to say no. Good luck with it all.

It is difficult with families.

You are happy to have Aunt Joan to stay because she really helps out, is a joy to be with. Aunt Maud (Joan's sister) is a different kettle of fish because she superglues herself to your favourite chair and moans constantly for the duration of the visit.

If you allow Aunt Joan to stay how do you say no to Aunt Maud without causing a family feud which will last for the next ten generations? Aunt Maud is probably totally unaware that she is a nightmare houseguest.

Be plain and honest.
Say it is not sustainable for them to come for days every year.
Suggest other B & B s nearby.
Go and visit them and book into a motel near them to show an example.
Always let them know the effort and cost of what you provide - past the limit of what you deem a fair enough generous host would do.
Set your boundaries and comminicate.
Is a weekend every two years good?
Is three week days out of school holidays, once per year your limit?

Just say 'no' when it is unsuitable, every time.
'When will it suit?'

Answer .. 'Maybe September in ten months.'

I would allow visitors, but don’t ferry them around, let them hire a car. And don’t stock the fridge. Find a balance of having friends and family to visit, but not be taken advantage of.

Of course you can. If some of these people are close relatives that you love, then you can put your boundaries in a way that doesn't make them feel unwelcome, but does make them realise that they need to be more considerate.

Presumably OP does want to see some of these people. But wants them to understand that she needs to reserve some of her time off for her own breaks. So a perfectly kind "I'd love to see you sis, but I'm going to be at work most of the time, so you'll need to pick a hire car up at the airport, as I won't be able to pick you up, or take you out for days" is appropriate. There's no need for "I'm not going to be picking you up at the airport any more, because it's getting really annoying. You shouldn't expect me to take time off for you either. It's just not fair"

Gently does it though with kindness

You have to be "gentle?" Are these people made of glass? Just say no like a normal person and they can deal with it.

You can't set limits and boundaries gently and with kindness. If these people are happy to take advantage of you and your time then it is going to take a bit more than that. You seem happy to crack on though so good luck!

Do you have a fleet of elves doing the schlepping from the airport and all the cleaning and preparing, or is it you yourself doing all of this for the cheeky fuckers you call relatives after telling them they are welcome to stay when they invite themselves?

Practice telling people the house isn't available any more.

I don't think the OP is coming back.
Or even real.

If you can afford it don’t worry. Life is short and spending time with family is everything.
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and buying a big old house on a farm just outside London, just so we can have a destination style house for family to come stay with us. Your set up sounds like what I’m trying to build.

Yes, you just need to be firm and clear about what the boundaries are from now on, I think it's totally fair to say, for example, that visits were using up your holiday time so you will be limiting them in future.

My grandparents had a 2nd home on the coast that we visited a lot as children, but when we were adults they didn't let us use it - and I understood because there were quite a lot of us by then who might have wanted it and it was fair enough they didn't want their use of it to be constrained by everyone else coming and going.

I voted YABU to be such a walkover. Just say No.

Well in a way YABU as all you have to do is say no.

do you not have a tongue in your head OP?

Sorry that's not convenient for us.

Sorted!

It's very difficult. I have family abroad who were inundated with visitors who didn't appreciate that their hosts weren't on permanent holiday. It all got too much and they very much restrict the numbers of visitors and those that do go have to fit in around them.

The other side is that you don't get to spend much time with them and they don't ever come to stay here so you spend a great deal on flights, kennels, food/treats for them. You tend to spend time over there helping out with housework, garden, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc, so it's not much of a break. It does mean that we will probably spend less and less time with them as finances get tight and we can't afford a holiday and a visit to them.

You need to say no or start asking for money towards food etc. Use cost of living as your reason. I think you will learn who care to visit you and not the freebie holiday.

Just say no

Do a first Mrs Rochester and burn it all down.

@Autumnequinox - are you going to come back to your thread?

Tell the relatives that sorry, you regret to say you are going away on holiday yourselves during this time (Easter, summer holidays, Christmas etc). And no one will be able to visit.

I absolutely wouldn't expect any family member to take time off for my visit. Our family members always go to work as normal and we entertain ourselves. On occasion some of the Australian family have booked time off to have a little joint trip to show us a different area for a few days, but that's always been at their suggesting and not ours.

Yes - this exactly. That way you don't alienate yourselves, but its not a full time job.

Some of what youre doing is easy to change, though, without the nuclear option of refusing to allow any visitors, particularly if each group is visiting once a year.

Leave bedding etc out for them to make their own rooms up. If they ask you to do it, smile and say "I know, ive been just so busy the last week ir two, Im looking forward to havibg an excuse to relax! Im so glad you came when we had more time, but I reckon we're more 2-star self catering this week than 5 -star Ritz hahahaa - so nuce not to have to be ceremonial with family!"

Dont collect or drop off at airport - tell them theyll need to hire a car (or public transport).
Dont take time off work to be tour guide, but tell them in advance ... explain that you cant keep using up your leave because you want to go away on holiday, but that you love seeing them.
Dont plan activities for them.
Tell them theyll need to sort their own breakfast, lunch, snacks this time as youve a real push on at work - the best supermarket to use is xyz.
Ask them to cook a couple of evenings.
If they dont tidy up after themselves, leave their mess out.