Relatives Overload

This.

You're being unreasonable in not saying no to them.
How about, "this year, instead of entertaining everyone at our home, why don't we all meet you somewhere? That way we see each other and ALL get a holiday"

I understand why you now find it difficult to introduce new 'rules' now after this happened. When I lived in France I loved seeing people who came to visit but I didn't want to be a tour guide, it was exhausting. I can only suggest you now don't take off time to ferry them around. Lock up your valuables, don't get any extra food in and stay at work all the time, just say you can't get the time off. They will either love it or loathe it - either way you will break the pattern. Then you can reestablish new boundaries to suit everyone.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you are allowing it to happen. Put your foot down .

JUST SAY NO!!!!
It doesn't work for us, sorry.
What can they do???
If they never talk to you again , then result. They were using wankers.
What are you so afraid of? Ask your self that.
If they push
Say.. it's all too much and Iv got a lot of work on right now.

Why not tell your family whilst you absolutely love seeing them , trying to work and host their stay means you don’t get quality time together Ask if you could possibly holiday together somewhere else so you could all enjoy that precious time

Visit them instead.

My sister moved to a big house with spare rooms, a good 5 -6 hour drive. So, people want to stay for longer. She is very kind, not confrontational etc and the extra guests cost a bomb. Some family recognised this and pay towards things, we are v grateful for the holiday and so always pay for some meals/ take loads of wine/ flowers etc. One family member, not so much and moans about the cost of petrol travelling there!
Send out a family WhatsApp and say that going forward, you can’t take time off just to entertain and the cost has become prohibitive so the Hotel Autumn has now closed.

We moved to Devon from London following a catastrophic bereavement - the tragic death of my eldest son. In the first year we had twenty (yes 20) lots of visitors. There’d be people leaving passing new arrivals on the path. It’s a thing. People invite themselves. They think if you live in a holiday area you’re on holiday. By the second year I’d wised up. When one person invited himself again - fourth visit) I said ‘no, I’m sorry, we’d like to go away ourselves this half- term, he objected, genuinely puzzled ‘But you ARE away’. So those of you giving the OP a hard time, saying no is hard. It goes against your instincts of hospitality and kindness and friendship. You have to LEARN how to do it. I found ‘but I think it’s OUR turn to come to you’ worked well with some people though. Good luck OP. I know exactly what it’s like.

You’re obviously conflicted as these are people you like and don’t want to be discouraging towards. I’m assuming all the visitors are aware of all those who visit as well as them? If so they should have their own sensitive thoughts towards how this impacts you in terms of the burden on your time. If I was visiting someone I would definitely make my own arrangements to get to their door. I would appreciate the hospitality and at least lessen the burden in that way. Also be much more realistic about financial offers. You say you like the idea of a cabin or caravan. Are you sure you want to legitimise the situation this way? You would still have to host and not have time to yourself in your own home. I think you should assert your space needs and block out time when there are to be no visitors. If that’s say a whole year then so be it.

"I am so very sorry, but we have plans! Perhaps another time." Or, "No." That is a complete sentence, but the first is probably better for family. No, they do not need to know that your plans are relaxing for that time period in blessed, blessed silence.

@Thehappygardener

Sounds like she had things pretty much how she wanted it - good for her! 🌹

My friend bought a good sized house in Europe when she retired, usually lived there from Easter to November. Friends and relations were welcome to stay for a few days or a week, but:

1. She never picked anyone up from the airport; you could might make an exception for grandparents.
2. Guests had to amuse themselves in the day.
3. She would provide simple food but would not cook breakfast, perhaps Croissants, bread, jam.
4. Guests needed to provide and cook an evening meal at least once a week and be entertaining AND no sulking
5. Guests could stay in the house and use the swimming pool in the day, but must amuse themselves and provide own food. Parents were responsible for children’s safety by pool or they had to leave that day
6. I think she expected a case of wine or equivalent. Possibly £10.00 a day for cleaning, can’t remember
7. She didn’t invite all and sundry
8. She had someone to help with beds etc, and guests cleaned their rooms during the week, etc and stripped their beds and cleared the shared bathrooms at the end of their stay.
9. Some weeks were kept clear for her daughter or for her husband and herself to have a quiet week or month.
10. The rules were understood, she was charming when she let people know what to expect, and some people didn’t get invited back!
11. Christmas, etc, was for special guests.

      It worked very well for everyone.  🌷🌷🌷

@Autumnequinox
You are bu by allowing their behaviour. Stop doing so.

Just say no. Why is it so hard?

PS - as far as possible I think it is always best to be as honest as you can.

Send them all the same text/WhatsApp saying something like.
Hi Everyone/lovely relatives
“its been nice having you to visit during the past couple of years but it’s getting a bit much for me at the moment. I often end up returning to work quite tired. I need to book my holidays at home for a rest at Christmas/Easter/half terms/ Bank Holidays and not have any visitors for at least the coming year. love xxx”
Some will be aghast, others angry, others disappointed but no one will feel picked on as they are all getting the same treatment.
I certainly would put a stop to this. There is the possibility that they think you don’t mind or you love having them so don’t be too harsh in your text but make it clear.
Good luck.

In the words of Grange Hill: Just Say No !

You could announce that you have decided to run a b&b from your new home.
They are welcome to book & you will give them an x% discount on the rates..

That should either put them off or make them pay their way.

You can also tell them that you can't accommodate them because you are booked up.

Why do you tell them when you’ve taken annual leave so they can descend on you?

Take annual leave and don’t tell them or tell them it’s too much and too expensive to cater for them all the time.

@Autumnequinox you sound like a really nice person. I know that in your heart you already know this, but you need boundaries. Decide what will work for you. If you don’t want people to come and stay at all, then that should be your boundary. It sounds as if you don’t want to go that far though. You said you actually like them, so perhaps, as a PP suggested, decide on a couple of weeks a year when everyone can come and stay, send them all an email explaining this and this given the cost of living crisis, could everyone bring a large home-cooked meal for the freezer and a couple of bags of essential shopping items with them. Give your husband specific preparation tasks to do and don’t tolerate his skiving!

This! Many, most or all of them are happy to demand/expect an all-inclusive holiday from you.

Why do you need to be gentle and kind, rather than politely set some very acceptable boundaries? The annual leave is presumably because they need ferrying around. So hiring a car at the airport and getting more independent sounds essentially for starters.

This happened to me in similar circumstances, for years. I enjoyed getting things ready for them, and most of them contributed generously. If it’s not fun for you, then just say no.

I voted YABU based on the fact that you're allowing this and also, from what you're saying, facilitating this.

You need to say "sorry, we'll be busy but you're more than welcome to stay at a hotel and we'll try to catch up with you on one of the days you're here." That's it. They'll soon get the picture.

Totally hear you, and can’t understand your relatives. My PIL lived in the south of France which was lovely - they had a pool and lots of land, perfect holiday location. They did have a lot of visitors, some of whom took the piss.
Every time we visited with our kids we always bought the food shopping - all of it - made up and stripped our own beds, helped with housework, tidied up after ourselves and organised our own transport. Why wouldn’t you?! We were so conscious it was someone’s home, and although they chose to live there, all that way away, we did choose to visit so it was only fair we made it as easy as possible for them. I wonder how easy it would be to suggest to your family that it’s a lot of work, and would they mind helping out in some way while they’re there?