DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

I really don't believe men don't know this and need to be told or read an article.

They don't do the things because they don't want to. They feel that by being married they are entitled to their wife's free labor.
They prioritize themselves first.

With his parents and the OP. Hardly freestyling it. As you say, none of the jobs are huge so no reason at all not to do them.

I thought he had all three for the first week?

@SchoolShenanigans he didn't, he had one child who was in nursery. The op was with the other two, who were actually with her.

None of those tasks are big. They can all be done on the weekend when you're both around.

I think if I was him, I'd have done 1-2 tasks too and chilled. It's hard having three kids for a full week.

This author is quite popular with men as she often focuses on how important sex is to men. So hopefully they will read this after one of her articles about how to get more blowjobs by not being an arsehole!

100%

Great article.

I'm guessing mostly women will read and share it though! How can we get it in front of men?

There's a great article which I was trying to find to post when this thread was new. But now I've found it!

Just Do The Stuff Your Wife Wants by Dr Psych Mom.

And as the thread seems to have died down I might as well copy some of it to give you an idea:

.. Yet it is a pattern that is evident in 75% of couples who come into counseling, at least in my office, where I see a lot of 30 and 40-somethings whose lives revolve around housework and childcare. The woman’s issue is most often that the guy doesn’t do the things she wants him to do, like hanging the pictures, and this makes her feel unloved and unprioritized. The guy’s issue is most often that his wife doesn’t want sex, and doesn’t even seem to be happy to see him when he comes home.

The tragedy in some of these marriages is that the guy actually wants to make his wife happy, but he cannot believe that it would be as simple as doing the things she asks him to do. This may be because his wife is never happy with anything, but most women, and most people, are actually not like that. The issue is that many of these guys believe that they know what their wife wants and needs better than she does... So when the wife asks for the pictures to be hung, he may think one of the following things:

1. This isn’t about the damn pictures.
2. I’m tired and I’ll get to it later; there is no rational reason it needs to be done right now.
3. She’ll tell me I did it wrong anyway, no pleasing her.
4. She’s just in a bad mood and taking it out on me.
5. If I just got up and hung the pictures right this second, my marriage would improve by 5%.

Only the wisest and most intuitive of all men think #5, and they aren’t reading this article because they’re too busy getting laid. Now, #5 doesn’t actually preclude #1. It is about the pictures, but it is also about the wife’s need to know that her needs are important to her husband. #5 doesn’t even preclude #2, but there is no rational reason anyone ever needs a BJ either, and that doesn’t stop guys from wanting them. There is the possibility that #3 may occur, but if you rehang the pictures, taking another half hour, it is only a truly anxious person who will still not be appeased (if your wife has you rehang the same pictures three times in a row, you may want to seek counseling, for real). Also, #4 may be true, but I bet you that the bad mood will dissipate upon the hanging of the pictures.

Remember: it may not be about the stuff that your wife wants you to do, but the stuff she wants you to do is a proxy variable.. for you announcing that you value and prioritize her. Try the one week challenge of doing all the stuff your wife wants you to do, when she wants you to do it. I believe that her list will not be as long as you think it will, and even if it is, her happiness and relief and affection levels will increase dramatically by the end of the seven days. There are few guys who wouldn’t trade an hour a day of housework for a happier wife, they just don’t believe that the trade would occur. I am here to tell you that it occurs, but it takes about a week for your wife to really relax and welcome the new you...

I’m glad you got things resolved OP. But for what it’s worth, I agree you’re not BU. My husband is amazing and does a lot in the house, but I still have to ask him to do things.
I take on the lions share of housework as I work three days to his full time which I think is only fair, but when I’m on a deadline, for example we have people coming over or we are going on holiday, he says “just tell me what you want me to do”. This drives me mad as all I need to do is look around and see that something needs tidied away, a toilet needs cleaning, the carpet needs hoovering etc, but apparently he doesn’t see these things.
He also pulled the “I’ve emptied the dishwasher for you” early on in our marriage. I replied, “oh, was it only my dishes in there?” To which he looked confused. I then explained that it’s not “for me” he’s doing it, it’s for us. He hasn’t made that mistake again!
I totally understand that he is the one with “the big job” so I willingly do more in the house, but I’d love it if he could share the mental load a bit more.

The list was a jointly discussed one...

And if you read the OP's updates, the situation is, for now, resolved.

I am a teacher. It’s exhausting and I sleep a lot at the beginning but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a few jobs to be done in week three of school holidays while you are doing most of the childcare and the third child is at nursery. They don’t sound very onerous jobs. It was kind of you to buy his grandmother’s present and it is frustrating that he didn’t send it.
My DH and I both make lists of jobs that need doing; it’s a way of making sure that they’re not overlooked rather than a fascist practice. I suspect that you wouldn’t have minded so long as he had got a fair bit done.
YRNBU.

Great updates OP! Hope it lasts and sticks as new habit. I had it out w my teacher DP as well (mine was the one with 7 childfree days that couldn't tidy DC room properly due to crushing responsibility of deciding what should go in charity shop bag)

Mine has diagnosed himself as "prone to inertia" and agreed he's been useless and is committed to making more effort with mental load and house jobs. Can tell from last couple of days he at least is trying. He's also declared every Saturday must be date night but I think he might be getting overexcited now 😂

Where are these other posts?

There are numerous posts on this thread where people say OP should do it all and leave the poor husband alone, as he needs to rest.

Where are these other posts? I know a lot of male teachers (including my late husband) and they don't/didn't fit that picture at all, belong actually MORE involved with kids and domesticity than most. Being a primary teacher isn't one of those macho jobs.

MN - the home of wild generalisations based on little more than women: good, men: bad.

Literally in the sentence you quoted

Seeing a lot of posts where male teachers aren’t great when it comes to family life. Ironic

Right? While female teachers always post that they are in this career as it allows them to take care of children and family. Funny how teaching while male or female seem to be so different. How many female teachers spend their school holidays relaxing and not lifting a finger? Not even sending the present to their grandma that their DH has ordered for them? (Like this would ever even happen).

I didn't "follow" you, I've been reading the thread since the start and actually (along with a few others) have mentioned reading all the ops posts a couple of times since people keep popping on with completely irrelevant comments (if they'd read the op's updates). It was a general observation. If it makes you feel better, without scrolling back up I can't even remember your username. There's a reason the "see all" function was put in but some users don't always know it's there..I don't think it's ott "policing" to point it out. Anyway, I think this has run its course.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who dips into MN and doesn’t read ALL the comments. I try to read all the OPs posts but sometimes I’m just having a quick browse. The site is mainly used by people wanting advice on their situation and replies are given as good will not duty! I usually make comments which are specific to one person’s opinion, it would be too lengthy to respond in detail and be someone summing up all responses to the question. It’s not my “job” to provide a synopsis of everyone’s opinion. There are often up to 10 pages or more of posts!!!! It’s not your place to apparently follow a particular poster and tick them off for “doing it wrong” . It’s actually a bit creepy. If a post irritates you well that’s the nature of this site, just ignore! Stop policing!

I'm not at all "sad"..I just think that given there is a handy function to at least read all the ops posts, it would be courteous to use it so as not to make a point that has already been covered. Totally get not reading all 21 pages but there aren't that many ops.

@mustgetoffmn sorry, it's just at 21 pages in you're not the first person to respond without having read all the salient details.

You sound sad.

Are you following me to check I’m using MN correctly? What do you mean”again”? Off my back please

4 weeks my absolute arse!!!!

But it's not the norm. Many many people who have teachers as family or are teachers have said so on the thread. You seem to simultaneously want people to believe you did this (which they likely do. I certainly have no reason to doubt you) & believe that's just how teaching is for everyone/majority of people (which is what is being challenged).

I honestly can't grasp if it was changing that frequently and you were the only person at the school who could do it how you can think your leadership team handled it well. All they had to do was find another school in the vicinity & agree you'd split the curriculum & both you and the person/people teaching the subject at the other school would have instantly lost 40% of your workload (appreciate you'd have to do your 50% and then have time to review & tweak materials). This is the sort of thing some schools of friends/family do that makes a massive difference. Usually they actually do it across a group of schools so each one only has to do 20% or 25% of the lesson plans. Some of the academy school groups even have people who doing this work as their core job and then teaching the odd lesson at each school in the group to be able to say the curriculum is delivered by a subject matter expert (I assume that part is for Ofsted). Our primary group KS1 all together and plan across Y1/2 over the 3 staff who teach those years. Similar for KS2. They also use the same materials over multiple years inspite of others on the thread saying primary have to update every year (both my kids covered the fire of London, space etc & did most of the same activities). It just isn't the case that one member of staff would ordinarily be rewriting all the materials for a GCSE & A level on their own every year for 10 years (or even for 1 really).

You must be able to understand that saying teachers only get 4 weeks of holiday and saying when I was a teacher due to exceptional circumstances I only got 4 weeks of holiday are very different and it's only the former being disputed?

It took 10 years though.