Friend

I have sometimes done this without thinking and not invited someone in - mostly because I’ve been blindsided by not expecting them, and have other things going on or a brain full of other things. If you turned up out of the blue it might not be her being deliberately rude.

Has she always been “secretive” or is this being cagey a new development? Either you have to accept she is a private person who doesn’t want you to know the ins and outs of her life, or if you feel this is a new thing and a sign she’s pushing you away then you have the choice to cool off and put more effort into friendships that better meet your needs as well.

Taking you out for a birthday meal and treating you IS a big deal actually and a sign that she cares about you. Talk to her or move on! You do sound rather intense.

You do know people are different though? Your various friends are not clones.

OP, if you accept people as they are and not as you wish them to be, you will save yourself a lot of angst.

Took me a lot of years to learn this so I'm passing it on in the hope it may be of help.

My colleague was saying she hates visitors she not expecting... op I think keep a distance. I stop chasing people now no point. They be in touch or they wont. Have a few friends i think

There's an imbalance in how you view each other. You rank her as a closer friend than she ranks you. You need to lower your expectations and how you rank her as a friend.

‘Have you had a brain injury’. Bloody hell!😀

That's unfortunate. Maybe the elderly neighbour didn't know how to avoid seeing the OP when she was still at home.
I'm sad for you, OP. It sounds like you have a lot of trouble understanding social cues.

I've now read the whole care home thread.
You seem to lack the ability to pick up on very clear cues that you are pushing boundaries. You were told several times by the manager of the care home that the neighbour did not want to speak to you and you were also told by the daughter, but you still kept pushing.
This really isn't typical behaviour.
Is there a possibility that you have undiagnosed autism which means you are not able to read verbal and non-verbal cues correctly?
Or have you had a brain injury in the past? (I hope no one takes offense at this). My aunty suffered a very traumatic head injury when she was young and has amazingly been able to lead a pretty normal life, however she has very similar issues to those you have described in your posts - not understanding when people are saying no, and yet still pushing. I'm not sure how it all came out but I think a GP suggested that the brain injury could have affected the part of the brain which controls this kind of thing.

I just found the thread after I saw your post.

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do. It is hard maintaining friendships. Perhaps you would do well from finding a hobby which has a weekly meeting so you have a weekly activity to go to and speak to others.

Christ OP, honestly back off, this is Single White Female vibes...AGAIN.

Search the username.

For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off
This is awful. She did something nice for you and you react like that.

You don't seem to be picking up on cues that you are trampling on other people's boundaries. Your friend is indicating that she doesn't want as close a friendship as you do and you are ignoring that.
Talking about how you were brought up to keep your house clean and how the elderly neighbour was happy to see you (although someone upthread suggests you had to be stopped from visiting the care home) is totally irrelevant. The friend you are talking about does not want to invite people in who call in unannounced nor does she want to share details of her illness with you.
I'm astounded that you expect her to tell you where she has been when she has been out.

You need to back off from this friend and you also need to take a look at why you are behaving like this because in this case you are the problem and not her.

How do you know this?

There seems to be an option on mumsnet to be able to see peoples' previous posts (as in, original posts, not comments on posts) because people often reference things from previous threads and I have no idea how they find them!!

@AliceOlive this is SUCH a good post.

OP, that's seriously useful life information. You could consider getting books on body language and social cues too. It sounds like you're not good at reading people or understanding how they might feel, but this is a puzzle you might be able to improve at.

The last lonely elderly person she visited ended up having to tell the care home manger repeatedly that she didn’t want to speak to OP, which she ignored to the point that the daughter had to ban her from making contact…

I think you should find some lonely elderly people who'd like visitors, you sound good at it. Not everyone wants visitors or are like a open book, you need to respect your friends boundaries.

Is this the friend you said “ would not return to the friendshi is she crawled to me on her hands and knees, She is too boring for me.” about @Flute56 … you’ve changed your tune. It sounds like she doesn’t want you as a friend and you’re not taking the hint. You sound demanding, intrusive and downright insulting when someone doesn’t do things your way.

You’re giving me the creeps. I’d be backing away and not telling you about my life either in the hope you[d get the message to leave me the hell alone.

God, your friend sounds awful. She gives you birthday cards and takes you out for unappreciated meals and doesn’t bother you with her problems. What a cow.
🤨

Take the hint and back off. This friendship apparently exists more in your mind than in hers

I agree!

@AliceOlive that woman sounds amazing and her wisdom ought to be on tea towels

HI @Flute56

I once saw a friend and her mother explaining something important to her 6 year old son. He was playing with a cat, and the cat started pulling away. They told him to watch her behavior, and that by pulling back she was actually telling him she needed some space. They said that since she couldn't talk, she was using non-verbal cues to tell him what she wanted and how she was feeling. They explained that if he would respect her needs and give her space, she would likely come back soon and play some more. Otherwise, she was going to avoid him.

The most important part was next, when they said "Max, people are like this, too. They will often tell you what they need without talking. It's really important that you pay attention to this if you want to have good relationships."

I thought this was genius and wished I had learned it at age 6 instead of age 36. It's something that many people know intuitively, but I had never heard it expressed so well.

I think your neighbor and your friend just have different needs. Your neighbor enjoyed impromptu visits, but your friend is not comfortable with that. It's ok, we all have different needs. But I think you should pay attention to what your friend is telling you. You might even want to say "Sorry I popped in on you the other day. It seemed like it wasn't a good time for a visit. I will always ask before doing that, going forward."

You might be surprised at how much more enjoyable your relationships can be when you give this kind of respect to someone.

And? That doesn't mean everyone has to be open with you. You sound quite difficult.

That's their choice, the friend in your OP has made a different one. She's telling you without actually telling you to back off but you're refusing to listen.
I think however many threads you make about her or how much advice you receive to leave her alone you will continue to ignore everything except your own wishes.