DH agrees with ExH

Also, notably, the OP states that it's a two and a half hour journey, so she'd have to feed kids at 3 to get them there at 5...? But that if EXH picks them up at 7 he won't be home till half 9. I'm willing to bet this is a 2.5 hour round trip, otherwise surely OP would have to feed the kids at 2 to leave for half 2, to get there for 5? Doesn't add up. Sounds like exaggeration to make a point.

You've applied a general remark to a specific scenario and am stating that in this specific scenario, OP herself has said he has been consistent for two years. Both men and women manipulate, end of. We are getting one side of this story. There is an easy workaround, it's not difficult, this is such a non event that even the step dad agrees. So why are you still arguing with me?

What axe?

Hoping that an adult would be kind enough to give their partner's children a meal once in 8 years is hardly an axe. 😂

Although I'm amused that you've reversed tactics: instead of taking a specific point & pretending it was a general one, you've now taken a general remark about how many women continue to be manipulated by their ex via the kids, post-separation, & applied it specifically to OP's ex.

@KettrickenSmiled are you the OP with a failed namechange? Otherwise why are you all over this thread writing twee letters and arguing with posters?

Manipulated, leave it out, he's working late, one night in two years. Go grind your axe elsewhere.

Because everyone but step mothers are perfect and rise above everything all the time?
Yet again, you are reading my words about a SPECIFIC person & falsely extrapolating a general point from it.
Any adult who can't rise above something to the extend that they refuse to look out for some kids & throw them a meal over 2 hours, once in 8 years, is very far from perfect.
It's got fuck-all to do with them being a step-parent.

FYI, I had a beloved step-dad & have been a step-mum for nearly 4 decades. I don't have any step-bashing agenda here.

Not the step mums problem, full stop. Whether she's a bitch or not is absolutely irrelevant.
Not her problem, no. But that's not the point.
Also jsut so not a biggie. She cou;d feed her partner's children, she could choose to be nicer to them - she chooses otherwise, & I judge her for that. Her being a bitch is exactly the point I am making.

Focus on the butthole of a father
NEWSFLASH - most people can hold more than one topic in their focus at a time.
I agree with you that the father is a butthole.
I also think his partner is a selfish bitch.

and the OP who's more worried about her plans than looking after her children. If she and dad were together and one of the kids had gotten ill, what then? Break ups aren't just a way to get two weekends "off" a month.
Breakup also aren't a way to get 26 days a month "off" - but OP's ex has done just that, & can't even manage 4 days a month consistently.
he can't even manage to have them for a weekend without sending them home again upset. I'm sure most kids would be upset to intuit that their dad doesn't care much for their happiness, & his new partner actively dislikes them.

I'll say it again, leave the kids at home with a pizza for an hour until dad can pick them up. It's really not that hard. Step dad is right, pick another hill to die on rather than stamping your feet about a non issue.
Being manipulated by your ex isn't a non-issue for many women who have to co-parent with their ex. Here's yet another one, who knows full well that OP can'y just "drop the rope" because unlike him, she's not prepared to lave her DC uncared for.

Just being practical LookLuv - keeping two nights a month free for hassle free handover isn't life controlling. A pain, yes, or having a babysitter and making sure those days are drama free for the kids if you've made unmoveable plans isn't impossible. The key is to take the fight/drama/anger out of the situation as that reduces the ex's ability to impact your life and emotions. Speaking from personal experience I wish we'd learnt to 'side step' rather than going head to head earlier when we had similar.

I don't have any vitriol from my partners ex. I've met her once at an event and we were civil.

I still am not going to enable my oh parenting. That's his job.

Because everyone but step mothers are perfect and rise above everything all the time? Not the step mums problem, full stop. Whether she's a bitch or not is absolutely irrelevant. Focus on the butthole of a father and the OP who's more worried about her plans than looking after her children. If she and dad were together and one of the kids had gotten ill, what then? Break ups aren't just a way to get two weekends "off" a month.

I'll say it again, leave the kids at home with a pizza for an hour until dad can pick them up. It's really not that hard. Step dad is right, pick another hill to die on rather than stamping your feet about a non issue.

Even if OP had been vile to her ex's partner, that is NO excuse to refuse to even feed them - once in 8 years. Taking out any (assumed) "vitriol" on the kids shows what kind of a person that woman is.

Drive down (or up, whatever) to his with kids and DH, go out for a meal then drop the kids, go off to a hotel with DH and have some fun!

I thought stepmothers were told to butt out on here? Or is that unless they’re needed by the mother to babysit?

The issue here is an unstable contact arrangement, unhappy children due to it, and a flaky ex-partner.

‘Julie’ may have played a role in the family breakdown, but the responsibility for that, and for the children, ultimately lies with the father, no?

Leave Julie out of it. These kids are nothing to do with her.

Yeah it's absolutely shit all to do with Julie or your Partner tbh OP

Of course she’d be making his life easier.

Her having the children for a couple of hours means he can come straight back from work instead of driving hours to go and get them and dealing with tired kids and an annoyed OP.
(OP is putting herself at as disadvantage by having to do the driving for him.)

It also means he sticks to his contact agreement and he doesn’t have to end up in court.

If this also means it that it works in OP’s favour so she can go out and get pissed then it’s a win-win.

A casual acquaintance probably doesn't have a load of vitriol coming her way from the mother. We have no idea about the relationship dynamics here, whether OP has ever made it awkward for the step mum to be around the kids or made any accusations. So let's not make assumptions when we have very little information other than a rather one sided post that has been made off the back of one late pick up in two years that is interrupting drinking plans.

I wouldn't look after my partners kids for him in this situation. It's up to him to organise his work so that he can collect his children and if he can't do that it's up to him to organise and source alternatives.

I'm not childcare for him.

I set that boundary when I went through my ex doing exactly this to me - and I was determined I wouldn't be with a man who did the same.

😂Why do you imagine I am only capable of blaming one of this pair?

Looking after the kids isn't "making a point", it's being concerned about the kids being around somebody who is too unpleasant to even feed them once in 8 years, & in a house they regularly come home upset from.

A casual acquaintance would be kinder to those kids than "Julie" is.
She chose to embark on an affair with a married man, she is part of the reason for the split. That doesn't prevent me from blaming OP's ex entirely for the shitshow he has made of his parenting since he chose to leave his children.

@KettrickenSmiled I have never cheated on anyone in my life.

However, it's not my job to enable an inadequate man. Why anyone would think it is is beyond me.

If my partner was the op's ex I wouldn't be with him. I also wouldn't have cheated in the first place. The responsibility for this sits with him, not any of the women in the scenario.

Well he should butt out and just go to the social plans by himself.

Don't drop them off, that would be a 5 hour round trip, and no advantage to you or DC.
What were your plans - can you either adjust them ( eg meet friends a bit later) or get a babysitter?

Julie

The kids' father is only slightly better than you at considering his children's needs & wellbeing.
You & your neglectful, family-busting partner deserve each other.

PS He's cheating on you, too. You just haven't found out yet.

@potatowhale

Why should DH do that? They aren't his kids. Their own dad doesn't even want them.

DH thinks that the OP should allow this and alter her plans while he carries on as normal.

She'd not be making his life easier, she'd be making OPs life easier so she can go out drinking.

Amazing, yes it's all Julie's fault, that poor man that had no control over his destiny, look what that witch did to him 😂have we HONESTLY not moved on from this goddamn mindset?! And just to preempt, I am not, nor have I EVER been the other woman, cheaters are disgusting human beings. What I do know, is if my partner cheats on me, he's a tw@. End of. I'm not hunting down the other woman to make her take care of my kids to prove a point on the matter.