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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is she being unreasonable? Foreign student

40 replies

Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 09:30

A friend has asked her visiting 16 year old French high school student to move out early and I think she has been unreasonable and wonder if I should say something? The girl is tidy but has done some annoying things (eg didn’t write a reply to a note my friend left out for her, didn’t wash and dry her breakfast dishes, just rinsed them and left them on the bench waiting instead until the dishwasher ended).
The girl adapted to school fine and made friends, but is quiet which my friend finds irritating. She replies to questions and sometimes initiates conversation, but I notice my friend often just starts talking fast to her own young kids leaving the girl out of the loop.

Her English was v average on arrival but has improved esp if you talk slowly to her.
It can be embarrassing that my friend talks a lot about how irritating the girl is as I know some of this gets back to the girl via daughters of those in our friendship group.
The girl has to now return home early, after less than half of the programme timeframe. I feel I should say something but - I guess you only want someone in your house for 5 months if you can connect with them and this connection obviously hasn’t been made. Is my friend being unreasonable?

My friend is a single parent and thinks the girl can’t relate to this situation, but she broke up with her long term boyfriend about the time the student arrived and I think this is more relevant. I am not in a position to host, otherwise I would offer.

OP posts:
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Bargellobitch · 12/05/2023 20:45

If it's as you say it is your friend sounds really unpleasant.

Thatisme · 13/04/2023 09:38

Your friend is awful and def not a good ambassador for Britain and the British people. Poor girl! It won't achieve anything, but I'd struggle not to say anything to her. It's possible that as soon as one person says something to her all the other friends and acquaintances will also speak their minds. Sometimes it only takes one....

violetskypurple · 13/04/2023 09:18

Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 09:49

Yes, I take your point in why say something when I can’t help to change the situation. I just feel a bit embarrassed. I did say to my friend I thought she was being OTT about the student who just seems shy. I personally started hearing less about the student then, but I know others in our group kept on getting the run down about her all the time.
There is no money involved although my friend has been generous in paying for heaps of things she has taken the girl and her own family to. Which seems schizophrenic to me given the number of complaints made 😵‍💫

Which seems schizophrenic to me given the number of complaints made

I don't understand this. Do you know what schizophrenic is?

knittingaddict · 13/04/2023 09:05

Hmm, there's something off here.

QuentininQuarantino · 13/04/2023 09:00

God, as somebody who teaches English in Europe and arranges homestays for my own lovely, intelligent, polite but often shy students in the hope of getting them first hand experience of how useful English is... this is really sad to read.

Your friend sounds like a hideous person, and I do not understand why she signed up for it. All the ones I arrange, the host is paid (and vetted heavily). The poor child at the centre of this will not forget this. YANBU.

Mariposista · 13/04/2023 08:58

Your friend is horrible. She has royally mucked up this girl’s educational experience because of herself.

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 08:58

Your friend sounds awful.

Could you host the girl yourself?

When I was at school this happened to an exchange student who was treated appallingly by the hosts. (Radical Christians; she wasn't one. They kept punishing her for "sins" ( wearing eye shadow, listening to pop music). She phoned home and informed her Dad; she was moved to the home and family of another girl in class and the rest of her stay was very happy.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 13/04/2023 08:55

Your friend sounds awful!
That poor girl, bullied by a grown woman who seems jealous(?) or otherwise miserable person who regrets her own life choices.
Is your friend this bad with everyone?

Italiancitizenship · 13/04/2023 08:35

This has been really sad to read - poor exchange student, being effectively bullied by an adult.

My ds did a French exchange - and though much shorter than the one your ex-friend is involved in, when it came to his exchange student visiting, it was obvious how daunting she found the whole thing - it’s not easy being in a foreign country and a stranger’s house.

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 13/04/2023 08:19

I have heard through the grapevine that the girl’s parents have complained to the exchange organisation about her treatment and the shortened timeframe for the trip.
My friend will be marshalling people onto her side though, including her own parents who were initially nice to the student, but changed their tune as soon as my friend (their daughter) did.
I am pleased that the student’s parents have stuck up for their daughter, and I am going low to no contact myself with my former friend.
I certainly wouldn’t let her look after my teens in my absence unless I were desperate- even tho she is a high school teacher! 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
GBoucher · 12/04/2023 13:02

I also think it's highly unlikely that your friend signed up to host this girl for five months without being paid. I've never heard of such a thing. Regardless, I think it's extremely poor form of your friend to kick the girl out not even half way through the programme. It doesn't sound like the girl even did anything wrong and I would hate someone to go back to their country with a negative view of the UK. If it were me, I think I might try to talk to my friend to make her see sense and let the girl stay on, but if it's already a done deal I suppose there's no point in having the conversation.

daretodenim · 12/04/2023 12:46

Are you sure your friend wasn't being paid? These exchanges are usually organised through companies/organisations and the host family is at least paid for keep. I have a friend who was doing this to get a bit extra income.

Your friend is horrible though. I will confidently bet she doesn't speak another language. And hasn't ever lived abroad. And further still lived at home when she was 16?

The 16 year old did a brave thing by coming over for so long. No doubt she would have lots to complain about re your friend too...

If she's not already gone, maybe try and speak to her to tell her you're sad to see her go or that you're impressed with how much better her English got. Just something so she doesn't feel like a total failure due to your friend.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 12/04/2023 12:16

I grew up in the care system and it sounds fimilar to some the families I lived with where they did it, as a look how good I am but once it didn't meet their expectations they put the blame on the child and saying it didn't work out. She's still a child and she should stick it out. You live with someone things will annoy you, if she's literally not done anything that wrong she should suck it up. I can sympathize as it will be very hard for her to struck up conversation ect when she knows she's not wanted there. So no wonder there isn't this booming connection that your friend wants. The girl would of picked up on her annoyance of her and will probably be trying to stay out the way and get on with it.

Ijustdontcare · 12/04/2023 12:11

I'm guessing your "friend" wanted some free childcare and is throwing the toys out the pram that the girl won't do it.

RedEyeBaby · 12/04/2023 11:23

My husband is from Europe. He had two trips to Britain and Ireland in the 90s, about 10 days each I think.

He said they gave him very out of date food. It does leave a poor impression sadly when they are treated badly.

FictionalCharacter · 12/04/2023 11:03

Which way round is the aibu?
Thanks to your horribly unkind, inhospitable friend this poor girl has had a bad experience and is going home with a terrible impression of Britain and the British.

FangsForTheMemory · 12/04/2023 10:44

I know someone who hosts a foreign student and I’m pretty sure she’s paid handsomely. You friend sounds pretty awful.

ArcticSkewer · 12/04/2023 10:40

Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 10:25

I think the company was trying to find somewhere else for the student, but they would have to go to a new family and a new school- I think it was all a bit much for the girl to cope with 😢

You say company, but what is the business model?
Noone is paying for anything or being paid. That's not a business

RedEyeBaby · 12/04/2023 10:35

I personally think your friend has received money but isn't telling you. With no reciprocal exchange, 5 months to a year is unheard of unpaid. It can't be true.
What company is it?

Exhibity · 12/04/2023 10:29

Who organised this, if it's an exchange, don't the students stay with a family with a child who will then go back and stay in their country? Seems a bit odd to me .

rookiemere · 12/04/2023 10:29

Host families are usually paid for this arrangement, which would certainly smooth what appear to be very minor irritations.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd secretly think a little less of her - mind you not sure my capacity for long term free housing of foreign teens.

skilikeagirl · 12/04/2023 10:28

I did your friend think she was getting an au pair and instead got a French exchange student (which was exactly what she was signing up for...)? Either way your friend sounds awful tbh. The poor girl.

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 10:25

I think the company was trying to find somewhere else for the student, but they would have to go to a new family and a new school- I think it was all a bit much for the girl to cope with 😢

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 12/04/2023 10:23

Your friend sounds a complete bitch. Imagine an adult talking in such derogatory terms about a teenager in a foreign (to her) country. Diabolical behaviour. Your friend sounds a piece of work, obviously has her head up her own arse due to a relationship breakdown. Not the kids fault she can't relate to your friend being a single parent but I fail to see any connection as to why this french teen should or could.

Sillybollocks · 12/04/2023 10:20

She's being really unfair and hadn't thought this through (although I don't understand the situation if she isn't being paid). At the very least she should not be slagging off a 16 year old to adults so indiscreetly that it's getting back to her. She must feel so uncomfortable now. It doesn't sound as though the girl has done anything wrong and yes, why on earth would a lass that age relate to being a single mother? Your friend sounds as though she's lacking in empathy and forward thinking. I don't see what you can really do but I wouldn't be at all impressed by a friend of mine acting like this, looking for spurious reasons to go back on her commitment and make it the student's fault. You could possibly say that it's fair enough if she's made her mind up but could she stop discussing this with the group in such terms as it is getting back to the girl and that isn't fair. She's only a kid. Could the organisation running this find her anyone else?