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Original poster

16 Year Old Daughter sat on fathers knee. Disgusting?

464 replies

RedFlags1 · 11/04/2023 15:12

It was my birthday last month and I went round to my new partners house for a meal with my two daughters.

After dinner I sat in an arm chair in the sitting room and my 16 year old came in and sat on my knee and gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday Dad. She was on my knee for about 30 seconds.

My partner was moody all evening and then shocked me by saying that this was because my daughter had sat on my knee. She said that this was abnormal and disgusting, that she thought it completely inappropriate for an adult woman to sit on my knee.

She went on to say that this made her feel sick and about to faint.

I am stunned by this reaction to something that I see as completely natural and not at all controversial.

At home I will often sit on the sofa next to my girls (16, 20+, 20+++) and put my arm around them. I have never for one second thought this inappropriate, nor have they.

Can I ask, does anyone think that it is inappropriate behaviour or disgusting?

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 28/03/2024 11:51

Amantissima · 11/04/2023 15:24

She sounds as if she's sexualising your relationship with your teenage daughter AND views her as some kind of rival for your affection/intention.

Yes, there are quite a few women like this. They can barely tolerate their partner's mother or sister, never mind his daughter. Totally ridiculous and shows a severe lack of self esteem if they feel threatened by a relative.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/03/2024 11:34

Dd snuggled up to Dh for 2 hours yesterday watching tv. She’ll be 18 in July.

It makes me feel happy to see it.

ChrisPPancake · 28/03/2024 11:16

@RedFlags1 I'm so pleased to read your update and really glad you didn't put your partner's opinion ahead of your relationship with your daughter. Best wishes for a happy future Flowers

iwafs · 28/03/2024 10:27

Your partner is a weirdo. My 18yo son sat on me yesterday. Briefly though as otherwise the blood flow to my legs would have been stopped 🤣

meganorks · 28/03/2024 10:24

It's good to hear your update. Ironic that she thinks everyone is jealous of her when it seems pretty obvious she was jealous of your 16 year old daughters close relationship with you. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughters, so hopefully you will find someone loving who sees that.

GangnamGran · 28/03/2024 10:19

Thank you for choosing your daughter and getting free of that woman. I remember reading your original post and it hit a nerve for me, as I’m sure it did for a lot of people.

somewhereindevon · 28/03/2024 08:55

Got to be honest I didn’t do this at that age and never witnessed any other friends doing it either, I’d probably therefore note it as out of the ordinary solely based on my perception of normal growing up. But clearly other people here thing it’s totally normal so fair enough!

jeaux90 · 28/03/2024 08:43

Bullet dodged OP! Well done for prioritising your DC and yourself.

Springisroundthecorner · 28/03/2024 08:42

I often used to sit on my dads knee or hug him on the sofa as a teen and young adult - until I got too heavy for the knee sitting! I think her reaction told you more about her jealousy and insecurity of your relationship with your DD and issues in her own upbringing.

Bunnybear42 · 28/03/2024 08:21

My 17 year old dd often has a cuddle with her dad. And I used to hug my dad on the sofa briefly when I came home from a party when he was watching tv. I'd still do it now if he was alive to be honest at 43 but he's been gone 11 years 🥲 your partner clearly doesn't understand the daddy/ daughter bond !

Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 08:14

toomanyy · 28/03/2024 07:45

Happy to read your update, OP. Sounds like her aim was to drive a wedge between you and your daughters so she could control you.

Why do you think she was like this?

Show quote history

I honestly have no idea why she thinks as she does.
Obsessed with the idea that everyone is jealous of her, her intellect and her career.
She has accused my family of jealousy, her family, her work colleagues and even my kids.

Needed to be put on a pedestal and worshiped.
A very narcissistic individual

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 28/03/2024 08:06

Good luck with your future. Sometimes we find ourselves in bewildering and unfamiliar situations and it takes time to see circumstances clearly. Don't give her any more headspace.

toomanyy · 28/03/2024 07:45

RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:34

I wanted to thank everyone for the support you gave me.
Re-reading the thread the advice was overwhelmingly to leave her, which I have now done.
I am ashamed that it took a further 11 months to do so, and further similar incidents. I stopped her seeing my daughter before that.

There has been a cascade of vitriol and abuse from her subsequently, interspaced with pleas to reconsider, abuse of me, my family and friends.

Happy to read your update, OP. Sounds like her aim was to drive a wedge between you and your daughters so she could control you.

Why do you think she was like this?

Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:39

I am put in mind of the quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

OP posts:
Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:39

I did show her this thread, in the hopes that she would see how unanimous the view of "society" was.
She was outraged that I had posted and claimed not to have read it, as she didn't value the opinion of "a bunch of internet trolls who had nothing better to do than post on websites all day"

I really don't know why it took me so long to leave her, when the answer was so obvious from the outset.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:34

I wanted to thank everyone for the support you gave me.
Re-reading the thread the advice was overwhelmingly to leave her, which I have now done.
I am ashamed that it took a further 11 months to do so, and further similar incidents. I stopped her seeing my daughter before that.

There has been a cascade of vitriol and abuse from her subsequently, interspaced with pleas to reconsider, abuse of me, my family and friends.

OP posts:
BlueVixen · 16/04/2023 21:28

This makes me sad. The same thing happened to me. I was 12 and my Mum had just been found dead. I had to move house and get to know my Dad and Step-Mother properly (I knew them from only two weeks every summer). I was understandably upset and needed a hug so went to my Dad and perched on his knee. My Step-Mother lost her temper and forbade me from doing it again. It continued with her being a barrier between us because of jealousy. It left life long scars. I ran away at 15 to the Army to get away from her. People knew but didn't get involved in those days. Please don't be like my weak Dad, stick up for your relationship with your daughters, daughters need their Dad. You sound like a lovely Dad fwiw. x

Mumof3confused · 14/04/2023 16:38

Your role as a father is to put your daughter first and protect her. Your alarm bells are going off, and rightly so.

I would suggest seeing a therapist to work through any issues you may yourself be carrying which prevents you from taking action.

vickylou78 · 14/04/2023 09:57

I wonder if your partner has experienced some kind of trauma

vickylou78 · 14/04/2023 09:56

Having your daughters sit on your lap and have a cuddle is perfectly normal! They are your babies. Why should that stop if everyone is happy. I'm 44 and still hug my dad or sit right next to him and wouldn't think anything of it. I'd sit on his knees but would probably squash him as I weigh 12 stones though!

chelslurker · 13/04/2023 20:49

Seabreeze18 · 13/04/2023 07:33

Then I’m afraid OP she doesn’t seem very nice! Maybe u need to rethink this relationship?

I think if she had trauma in her past, "gaslighting" would be something she would understandably be wary of. People are abused (eg sexually) by being gaslit, otherwise they wouldn't let themselves be abused

Doesn't mean OP has to be with her though

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/04/2023 18:19

sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 00:36

I'm a bit late to this one, but as a word of warning, my step mother was like this.

She married my dad when I was 11 and she hated him spending time with me, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me, he wasn't allowed to help me with anything, I used to see them once a week as this was 'acceptable', I remember one day I was upset about something and he sat next to me and put his arm round me and she immediately hit the roof! She started shouting and said it looked like we were two lovers sat together. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong as a child, but I assumed it was my fault, and did everything I could not to antagonise her after that, I didn't want to get my dad in 'trouble'.

We were never alone together, but one time, a lot later, something happened to my car on the way round so I asked my dad to have a quick look when I got there, it was something really simple so he fixed it and she wouldn't speak the rest of the time I was there as we'd been outside alone together for 10 minutes.

She was fucking poisonous that one, and it was all because of jealousy, I saw it all over 25 years, I'm not saying your partner is as bad as this but it's definitely a red flag, which will only get worse over time if you let it. If you're a 'anything for a quiet life' person like my dad was, then I'd say be very careful what you go along with, it sets a precedent going forward of what you'll accept and what you won't.

My advice would be, don't put up with any of it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I can also offer a word of warning as due to a vile, jealous girlfriend, my now ex husband has not seen our son since he was 8, he's now 12. She made it quite clear he didn't feature in their future. My story is long and painful but another tale of caution for the OP.

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:02

Amantissima · 11/04/2023 15:24

She sounds as if she's sexualising your relationship with your teenage daughter AND views her as some kind of rival for your affection/intention.

I disagree with the sexualising, I don't think she is likely to actually think that, but I completely agree that she is using that to make him feel some sort of way to stop him allowing it again owing to rivalry. She doesn't want to share your attention. Take it from me, I've been the woman in that sort of scenario, it made me all sorts of jealous and insecure that I wasn't number 1. It doesn't end well, you'll be forced to make comprises with your relationships that you can't undo. Pick your daughters and find someone that understands what being a parent means.

Emmamoo89 · 13/04/2023 18:01

Get rid!

Serrina · 13/04/2023 17:52

redbigbananafeet · 13/04/2023 15:42

I'm glad you will be cutting ties with this woman as she is obviously very unhealthy. Out of pure curiosity, is your daughter particularly beautiful? I wonder if this is pure jealousy

Or as I said in a previous reply, it could also be that the daughter looks like the OPs ex (her mother) and OPs partner feels threatened by that. Its not a normal reaction, whatever it is.

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